Hi Dawn,

I’m in recovery 7 years next month. I have been in this unhealthy relationship for almost 2 years.  In the beginning he had good reasons to leave, but in the last few times he left he left me for no good reason.  I’m co dependent, and I’m deeply in love with him. I never want him to leave, so after 30 days of him being gone he calls tells me says he’s not going to leave me again.  He sounds so sincere, and I want to believe him, so I take him back, then he leaves again and I’m left hurting over and over. I feel like the monuments of pleasure are worth the pain, that’s so sick, every time I take him back I’m telling him it’s ok to treat me like this, it’s such a vicious cycle, HELP.

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you for having the courage to write me. I know this painful cycle because I have been in it. You spend days yearning for him, looking at your phone hoping he calls. You obsessively replay every moment you have with him, wondering what you can do differently. I bet you talk to anyone that will still listen about this relationship. You feel caught in a painful vicious cycle and want help.

You are not alone. Many beautiful, talented, and intelligent women get caught in this. You are right it is a vicious cycle, but there is help. I wrote an entire book on this (From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System)). In it I explain how to stop the madness, heal and finding the love you truly desire. I can’t explian everything here, but if you write me back and send me your address I will send you a copy free of charge. It is my gift to you. I was given a gift; I was shown the way out. I would love to now share that gift with you.

Also take a look at my television interview …Dawn Maslar TV Interview

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn