Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

8805 Southwest 132nd Street
Miami, FL 33176
(305) 251-9642

Dear Dawn,

I have been clean for years but my daughter still treats me terrible and I take it because i want her and especially my 3 grand children in my life. She has them like they are the adult and I’m the child. The oldest is 11 and reports to my daughter on everything I do when I’m with them, especially if I say but no. Recently, the kids told her I was mean to them and now my daughter after 11 yrs of me bringing the kids presents every week to play with them and do everything they or my daughter want no matter what it does to my life, now my grandchild tells me they don’t want to see me because I was mean the last time I baby sat. I am not mean to any child but these kids love the attention they get from their mother when anyone makes them upset.  I am gonna go crazy, I am pleading with a child to not cut me out of their life and she saids when were ready we will call you.  This is heartbreaking!  I can’t take the constant rejection and now from my babies who I have treated wonderful probably too good.

Signed,

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

You sound like a sweet and loving grandmother. And, I can hear your pain in this letter. I know you want to run out and fix this, but I am afraid you are powerless over this situation. Your daughter is right. You are just going to have to wait for them to call you when they are ready.

I know this is heartbreaking and frustrating, but it sounds like your granddaughter is at that age. She is testing her boundaries and trying to figure how much power she has. She is getting to the age she doesn’t feel she needs a baby sitter anymore. I am sure you can remember when your daughter was that age. They would say things they didn’t mean, like “I hate you” or “I wish I was never born.” As the adult we understand it’s just a phase and it will pass. But the in between time is tough.

This is the time where you need to lean on you friends. Find other people to fill the void. Take a class or join a coffee clutch. Go to more meetings and go to the meeting after the meeting. You relationship is changing because your granddaughter is growing up. Instead of being upset for your loss, try to find the good in her growth. She will always love you. Watch her fly.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

I received an email last week from a woman who wanted advice on dating. She explained she had made bad choices in the past. In fact, her ex-husband is currently in jail. She went on to tell me that she has comes to term with her past and is ready to move forward. But she is worried about dating again. She is afraid she will get back into her old pattern of settling for less then she deserves.

            By simply writing the email, she is well on her way to a better life. Realizing the mistakes you have made in the past, helps you to not repeating them. She will think twice before accepting unacceptable behavior. She will also more likely stop when she finds herself trying to fix or take care of a man.

            She concluded her letter with asking for advice on dating. My advice on dating is threefold. First, you need to heal you past so you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. Something she is already doing. Second, it’s important to love yourself. No one will treat you better than you treat yourself. So learn how to treat yourself well, by pampering yourself. Get a new hair cut or massage, do things that make you feel good. It’s also important to bolster your self-esteem by doing esteem-able things such as helping another person, or being kind and patient.

            Finally, before you ever think about a date, decide what you want for your life. It’s important to think about what you want in your future, where do you want to live, what do you want to do? Once you decide what you want in your life, then you need to decide the characteristics of the person you would like to be with. Remember, you want to find someone who will fit into your life. As women, we usually worry how we will fit in somebody else’s life. Once you know what you want in your life, than you will be able to spot him when he shows up. With a clear picture of what you want, you are less likely to settle for less than you deserve.

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I need help. I have been clean for over 6 months and am in a long term relationship with the man I used with who also found his way into the rooms. We work harder on our recovery then we ever worked on getting high. The problem I have is my 19 year old daughter. She is in college on full scholarships. She works 2 jobs, makes excellent grades, and is honest and respectful. When I ask for her help with her younger siblings, she is always here. The problem I have is that she uses pot. My boyfriend says that as long as she’s using, she is not welcome here. I say that as long as she doesn’t use around us or her siblings, she is always welcome home. We have had a few heated conversations about this. I remind him that if our parents had given up on us, we would not be where we are today. I don’t want my daughter smoking pot and I don’t want her to go further, but she is an adult. She knows I am in recovery and respects that. She tells me every day that she is proud of us and spends a lot more time with us now then she ever did. I just don’t know how to handle it and its becoming a daily conversation. It’s to the point that I feel like I’m going to have to make a decision between my child who is doing wrong, and a man I love who is doing right! What do I do?

Signed,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Congratulations on raising such a wonderful daughter. She is doing well in school while working and is respectful.

But I am a little confused on your question. Your boyfriend doesn’t want your daughter around if she smokes pot. But, you say she you don’t want her around if she does it also. The question seems to be if the child smokes at all, you don’t want her to come home.

While I agree with his boundaries when it comes to her activities around the house, he really can’t police what she does outside of the home. Pot smoking is an illegal activity, and anyone that condoms it can be culpable.

So if she wants to come home, she needs to respect your boundaries. What she does in her dorm room is her business but what she does in your house is yours. If your boyfriend suspects that she is using pot while she is staying with you he has every reason to protect his home and the other children by asking her to leave.

I can tell from your letter you love your daughter very much. I also feel you might feel guilty because of some of your own drugs use. But what a child wants most from a parent is guidance. Good guidance comes from clear boundaries – boundaries that have the child’s best interest in mind.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I just don’t have enough time in to really appreciate the complexities of a serious relationship. Sure I love being in love, I’m a romantic and not ashamed of it. But when it comes down to the day to day comfortable relationship it all seems quite dull. How can a guy in my position find the right woman? I don’t think I could seriously get into a relationship with someone who is in recovery, but anyone outside of it will be wary of a guy with my alcoholic background, and rightfully so. I want to leave it in God’s hands, but I certainly have to do some of the work myself down here. I’ve met two women on this site all ready and they were ready to do more than fall in love, they wanted a total commitment from me, a guy they had never met face to face before. I can understand their lonely and have needs, so am I? I just can’t put my finger on how to have a special relationship with a woman, to have a soul mate, a life partner. It’s only really happened to me once before in my life and I screwed that up with my alcoholism. Will I ever get a second chance at true love? What do you think?

Hi Sweetheart,

When we are looking for a good relationship, the key to finding a healthy one is not needing one. It sounds ironic, but you can only truly be happy with someone, when you are happy alone. You made a keen observation; you said several women on this site wanted to have a committed relationship with you without even meeting you. Further you indicated this was probably stemming from loneliness rather than form a real desire to be in a relationship. Many people, myself included, have searched for a relationship expecting it to make us feel better.

In the beginning I would feel great, full of hope and promise. But after awhile I would grow bored and discontent. The reason was because the relationship was just a Band-Aid. It was a temporary diversion from my internal pain. The pain and uneasiness would always come back.

In order to find true love, I needed to do some internal work. True love can only be found when two whole people meet to share, not when two wounded people meet to take. Keep doing your work…prayer, journaling and meditation. Keep yourself open for a relationship, but stop searching. You asked if you would get a second chance at true love. The answer is no, you will get the first chance at real love.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

We have been together over 2 years. He does have a drinking problem. 3 times he has gotten bitterly verbal and physically abusive, 2 times in front of my daughter. I thank God it wasn’t us he was beating on, mainly the walls. I did ask him to leave. He’s been out 2 weeks now. He doesn’t feel he has a problem, denial. All his family knows he has a problem but I’m still getting the blame for kicking him out. I maybe have 1 or 2 drinks a week, but this problem has made me want more. I don’t know what to do as far as our relationship goes. I love him and it hurts. What do I do?

My Dear Sweet Child,

I applaud you for doing the right thing. This is tough stuff but you understood what was important and protected yourself and your daughter by asking him to leave. Of course his family will blame you because they don’t want to feel guilty themselves for his actions. Stay strong.

Now what to do? You need all the help and support you can get right now. Talk with family members that want to help, not blame. Once he becomes violent even if it only the walls it will be just a matter of time before you or your daughter get in the way. He needs help, but doesn’t know it. He has to have a consequence in his life to make him look at what he is doing and want to change. You asking him to leave may be that consequence. But, it’s only the beginning; he now has to do the work to change. This is something only he can do and only if he wants to.

You need to now take care of yourself and stay strong for your daughter. There are resources out there that will support you. I beg of you to look into attending an Alanon meeting. To find one in your area:  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Also there are organizations set up to help women in your situation. In my area we have Women in Distress http://www.womenindistress.org.

When I was twenty years old I married my high school sweetheart and love of my life. A few months after we were married, he became violent. I blamed it on the cocaine because I knew deep down he was a loving man. One night he became violent again, but this time I got in the way. Beaten and bruised I got up the next day and decided to leave. I hoped he would get help and I could return. He never did. I on the other hand, went on with my life and have a much greater life then I would have ever had with him. A few years ago, I called to find out what ever happened to him. He remarried but did not change. His new wife started crying on the phone talking with me. She said it had been 15 years and he was still the same! As you can imagine, I hung up the phone grateful that I wasn’t waiting for him to change.

Looking back on it now, I realize it was God’s way of telling me “I have something much better in store you.” Stay strong…you are doing the right things. And, understand that God has something better in store for you.

Love,

Dawn