Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

I have been writing about relationship for several years now and have come to the understanding that all relationships stem from your relationship with God, or the Universe, or your higher power (or what ever you wish to call it). In other words, it’s your relationship with the world that dictates your personal relationships. If you live is faith, your relationship reflect faith, if you live in fear, your relationships reflect fear.

Ask yourself, if your relationships are based on fear or faith? If it’s fear you tend to try to change people so you can be happy. That is a silly task since its almost impossible to change another person. The fact that we want to change them usually results in their resistance.  And, to top it off we seldom are good judges at what’s going to make us happy. So if somehow we finally get to them to change, we quickly realize that wasn’t the problem, and look for something else that needs to change to make us happy.

By deepening our spirituality our relationships magically improve. Relationships that no longer serve us simply slip away, making room for new and better ones, which help us to strengthen our trust and faith. Marianne Williamson, bestselling spiritual teacher says in her book A Return to Love, “A relationship that is used by the Holy Spirit becomes a place where our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into out conscious awareness. Then we can see our dysfunctions clearly, and when we’re ready, ask God to show us another way.”

The “another way” is by even more spiritual growth. Every relationship is a relationship with our self. When we look for someone or something outside ourselves to make us happy, it selfdom works for very long. But when we look inside and deepen our relationship with God, we find a true happiness that is then reflected in our relationships.

I have an In The Rooms friend that you might be familiar with…Sandra of Sandraswalk.org. She is spending the summer walking from Fort Lauderdale to Philadelphia. She will be stopping in different places such a Washington DC to participate in recovery events.

I will be following her on her journey and updating periodically. Sandra is not traveling alone. She is carrying with her several signed copies of my book, CD’s and other fun items she will be giving to people who spot her. You can also buy one of her mustard seed necklaces. For each one she sells, she gives one away to someone who can’t afford one.

Check in here to find out were she is. Today she is near the A1A Pier on North Ocean Blvd in Pompano Beach Florida heading North. Stop by to say “hi.” She would love to see you.

Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

8805 Southwest 132nd Street
Miami, FL 33176
(305) 251-9642

Dear Dawn,

I have been clean for years but my daughter still treats me terrible and I take it because i want her and especially my 3 grand children in my life. She has them like they are the adult and I’m the child. The oldest is 11 and reports to my daughter on everything I do when I’m with them, especially if I say but no. Recently, the kids told her I was mean to them and now my daughter after 11 yrs of me bringing the kids presents every week to play with them and do everything they or my daughter want no matter what it does to my life, now my grandchild tells me they don’t want to see me because I was mean the last time I baby sat. I am not mean to any child but these kids love the attention they get from their mother when anyone makes them upset.  I am gonna go crazy, I am pleading with a child to not cut me out of their life and she saids when were ready we will call you.  This is heartbreaking!  I can’t take the constant rejection and now from my babies who I have treated wonderful probably too good.

Signed,

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

You sound like a sweet and loving grandmother. And, I can hear your pain in this letter. I know you want to run out and fix this, but I am afraid you are powerless over this situation. Your daughter is right. You are just going to have to wait for them to call you when they are ready.

I know this is heartbreaking and frustrating, but it sounds like your granddaughter is at that age. She is testing her boundaries and trying to figure how much power she has. She is getting to the age she doesn’t feel she needs a baby sitter anymore. I am sure you can remember when your daughter was that age. They would say things they didn’t mean, like “I hate you” or “I wish I was never born.” As the adult we understand it’s just a phase and it will pass. But the in between time is tough.

This is the time where you need to lean on you friends. Find other people to fill the void. Take a class or join a coffee clutch. Go to more meetings and go to the meeting after the meeting. You relationship is changing because your granddaughter is growing up. Instead of being upset for your loss, try to find the good in her growth. She will always love you. Watch her fly.

Love,

Dawn

            We all have some form of adversity. To what degree we have it depends on our attitude. I saw a quote the other day from David Brinkley. He said, “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.”

            Change is difficult. Most people (myself included) have some fear of change. The present, no matter how painful it may be, provides a level of comfort because we are familiar with it. The change on the other hand, may be better, but the fear is that it will be worse. In addition, every change requires some grieving. We must feel the emotions of the loss in order to accept it.

            We in recovery are not very comfortable with our emotions. That’s why we tried to numb ourselves. So when the change comes, instead of going through the grieving process and getting to the acceptance and finding the blessing, we sometimes try to prevent the change.

Maybe a friend is offered a great new job in another state. Although we love our friend and want them to be happy, we may try to talk them out of it, because we don’t want them to leave. We don’t want to have to go through our own grief of the loss of the friendship. Sometimes we might even get into a fight with them. Anger is the second step in the grief process.

            This anger can also be directed towards us. When we are changing, people may get mad at us.  They fear the change, but we feel like we are being attacked…throwing bricks at us. Sometimes, instead of continuing on, we may be tempting to run back to the familiar. We hit the anger and instead of walking through the sadness to the other side, we are tempted to run back, thwarting our own growth.

            We don’t have to fear the bricks of life. If we do we can jeopardize our own progress. We succeed when we realize that the bricks are just the building blocks we need to grow.

I received an email last week from a woman who wanted advice on dating. She explained she had made bad choices in the past. In fact, her ex-husband is currently in jail. She went on to tell me that she has comes to term with her past and is ready to move forward. But she is worried about dating again. She is afraid she will get back into her old pattern of settling for less then she deserves.

            By simply writing the email, she is well on her way to a better life. Realizing the mistakes you have made in the past, helps you to not repeating them. She will think twice before accepting unacceptable behavior. She will also more likely stop when she finds herself trying to fix or take care of a man.

            She concluded her letter with asking for advice on dating. My advice on dating is threefold. First, you need to heal you past so you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. Something she is already doing. Second, it’s important to love yourself. No one will treat you better than you treat yourself. So learn how to treat yourself well, by pampering yourself. Get a new hair cut or massage, do things that make you feel good. It’s also important to bolster your self-esteem by doing esteem-able things such as helping another person, or being kind and patient.

            Finally, before you ever think about a date, decide what you want for your life. It’s important to think about what you want in your future, where do you want to live, what do you want to do? Once you decide what you want in your life, then you need to decide the characteristics of the person you would like to be with. Remember, you want to find someone who will fit into your life. As women, we usually worry how we will fit in somebody else’s life. Once you know what you want in your life, than you will be able to spot him when he shows up. With a clear picture of what you want, you are less likely to settle for less than you deserve.

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Nearly 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years due to his problems with alcohol and drugs. About 3 weeks after the break up I was asked out by a friend, who I had known for a few years and liked a lot, but that lasted only 4 months (he also has alcohol and gambling problems). Now I’m on my own again and really trying to put the pieces back together, but I’m finding it really hard to let my long-term boyfriend go. I know he is an alcoholic and drug user but I find myself thinking about the good things we did share and I feel really sad that it has to be this way. I know that I have done the right thing for my own sanity but it’s hard to move on. Although I’m not with this man anymore do you think Alanon would help me???

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know you are hurting, but this is normal and needed. You are grieving. By going out with the other guy you were hoping to avoid the grieving process by jumping into another relationship. This doesn’t work and the relationship usually dissolved in a few short months, as you discovered.

So now that your “savior” relationship is over, you find yourself thinking about your ex. Sometimes we go back to the relationship because we think this must be love, but it’s just your mind wanting closure. Alanon can help, but only if you focus on yourself and not him.

I would like you to try this exercise. Instead of thinking about him and what you both had, I want you to think about you and what you want. I want you to write down how you want your life to be in the future without putting a specific man in it. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do, do you want kids, a garden, or pets? Write down everything.

Once you figure out what you want in your life, now write down the characteristics of the relationship that you want to fit into that life. Create a sheet with four columns. In the first write down your “must haves,” in the second write down your “would likes,” and in the third write down your “negotiable” those are the characteristics that are not that important to you. In the final column write down the “deal breakers,” the deal breakers are those things that if he has you don’t want a relationship with him, such as an active alcoholic.

Once you have it all down on paper, that a look. Does your ex fit with what you really want in your life? I would guess not since you broke up because of his addictions. Now the next time you find yourself pining over your ex, pull out the list. Remind yourself, you deserve better in your life. Then, go take a hot bath, call a friend or read an inspirational book (such as From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire). Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry and grieve the lost of the relationship. But at the same time reaffirm that you deserve better. In fact, your desire for better is God given. There is something better out there waiting for you to be ready to accept it.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I need help. I have been clean for over 6 months and am in a long term relationship with the man I used with who also found his way into the rooms. We work harder on our recovery then we ever worked on getting high. The problem I have is my 19 year old daughter. She is in college on full scholarships. She works 2 jobs, makes excellent grades, and is honest and respectful. When I ask for her help with her younger siblings, she is always here. The problem I have is that she uses pot. My boyfriend says that as long as she’s using, she is not welcome here. I say that as long as she doesn’t use around us or her siblings, she is always welcome home. We have had a few heated conversations about this. I remind him that if our parents had given up on us, we would not be where we are today. I don’t want my daughter smoking pot and I don’t want her to go further, but she is an adult. She knows I am in recovery and respects that. She tells me every day that she is proud of us and spends a lot more time with us now then she ever did. I just don’t know how to handle it and its becoming a daily conversation. It’s to the point that I feel like I’m going to have to make a decision between my child who is doing wrong, and a man I love who is doing right! What do I do?

Signed,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Congratulations on raising such a wonderful daughter. She is doing well in school while working and is respectful.

But I am a little confused on your question. Your boyfriend doesn’t want your daughter around if she smokes pot. But, you say she you don’t want her around if she does it also. The question seems to be if the child smokes at all, you don’t want her to come home.

While I agree with his boundaries when it comes to her activities around the house, he really can’t police what she does outside of the home. Pot smoking is an illegal activity, and anyone that condoms it can be culpable.

So if she wants to come home, she needs to respect your boundaries. What she does in her dorm room is her business but what she does in your house is yours. If your boyfriend suspects that she is using pot while she is staying with you he has every reason to protect his home and the other children by asking her to leave.

I can tell from your letter you love your daughter very much. I also feel you might feel guilty because of some of your own drugs use. But what a child wants most from a parent is guidance. Good guidance comes from clear boundaries – boundaries that have the child’s best interest in mind.

Love,

Dawn