Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ve been in recovery for many years but would like to have a relationship with somebody. I do know guys at my AA group but am too shy to do anything about it. I’m also old fashioned and as a woman don’t make the first move. As I don’t rarely go to any social events how do I get to find someone? Thanks

Signed,

Looking

Dear Looking,

I am glad you understand yourself enough to know you don’t like to make the first move. I agree with that. I also believe that the man pursues the female. In fact, I would say that’s the man’s job. The woman’s job is to show receptivity. That means to show that she is available and interested.

There are several ways to show receptivity. One of the easiest is to smile. But this is not your normal smile; the receptivity smile involves holding the gaze for a few moments before turning away. That exact second tells the man that this is not just a friendly smile. Now, it’s up to him to pursue or not. If he doesn’t come up to talk to you the next course is to tell a mutual friend of your interest. Again, you indicate receptivity and then wait for him to pursue. If he doesn’t, it means he is not available or interested. Don’t waste any more time with him, it’s time to find someone else.

If there is no one available in your immediate environment, you will have to make yourself more available. This will require you to get out of your comfort zone and attend a few social activities. I am afraid if you really want a relationship you might have to meet him half way. Once you make a few attempts at change (even if it means just going to different meetings) you are sending out the message that you are ready. Go get a new haircut and put on an outfit that makes you feel pretty and try out your smile. Then you get to choose between all the potential suitors. Have fun!

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been in recovery for almost three years now. Before, I always had to be in a relationship. It was a form of medicating for me. When I got sober and became aware of my co-dependent tendencies and started making real friends and my need for a relationship with a woman was gone. I still have times where I would really like to be in a relationship, but all the girls that I have met along my journey may have been relationship material, but I have a fear of being unhappy in it. I’ve been told that when it’s time for me to be in a relationship it will happen on its own. I guess I’m asking what I can do to rid myself of this fear, and be able to connect with my heart and mind towards love. Thanks, To love, or Not To Love.

Dear To Love, or Not To Love,

What a great question! So many people have fears and are afraid to admit it. But you are willing to look at what is going on and make some changes. Bravo! You are well on your way to your heart’s desires.

You asked what you could do to help rid yourself of your fear. The key to doing that is discovering the origin of the fear. For a long time, I had a fear of love. My belief that I was not worthy would cause me to sabotage my relationships, either pushing people away or clinging on too hard.

What I discovered through the process of daily mediation and journaling, is that I had an underlying belief that I was not lovable. Once, I discovered where the belief came from I was able to heal it through compassion, understand, and forgiveness. Mediation coupled with journaling is the key.  During the process, ask yourself what is causing this fear. The answer will come. Try it for 30 days. Then write me back and tell me what you discovered.

Love,

Dawn