Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

I have an In The Rooms friend that you might be familiar with…Sandra of Sandraswalk.org. She is spending the summer walking from Fort Lauderdale to Philadelphia. She will be stopping in different places such a Washington DC to participate in recovery events.

I will be following her on her journey and updating periodically. Sandra is not traveling alone. She is carrying with her several signed copies of my book, CD’s and other fun items she will be giving to people who spot her. You can also buy one of her mustard seed necklaces. For each one she sells, she gives one away to someone who can’t afford one.

Check in here to find out were she is. Today she is near the A1A Pier on North Ocean Blvd in Pompano Beach Florida heading North. Stop by to say “hi.” She would love to see you.

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I have a question for you I am 43 soon to be 44, I have almost 3 years in recovery and I have been single all my life and want to find someone who I can spend time with where I   live. I have gone to meetings but didn’t get a lot out of them so I stopped going and that was my downfall but I have been alone for quite some time and I hate it I want to meet someone but I don’t know how to go about it and when I did go to meetings nobody talked to me I felt like an outsider and that’s why I quit going I don’t want to drink I just want to find someone that I can relate with and see where it goes can you give me advice on what I should do because I want to bettermyself and meet new people I just don’t know where to start I am a member of in the rooms and I have been in the chat rooms but is there other places here where I can meet someone.. Thank you

Signed,

Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you for writing to me. Your problem is not unique; our disease is the disease of loneliness. In fact, it tries to separates us from other people so we are more vulnerable. I know it’s tempting to think, “If I had a relationship it would be better.” But you are looking for a relationship to make you better. No one can do that for you.

However, if you work on yourself, that means going to meetings and developing friends and a fellowship, you will get better. Once your life becomes full and you start feeling better about yourself, you will naturally attract people into your life. But I am afraid you’re going to need to get out of your house. On line chat rooms are nice, but they are no substitute for human contact. Go back to meetings and introduce yourself. Raise your hand and tell them you are struggling and would like phone numbers…of women. Then start using them. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but there really is no short-cut to happiness. All of us have been looking for that most of our lives and it lead straight back here…in the rooms. Your sunshine is waiting,

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn

It’s kinda crazy but I always want to pick the ladies I think I can fix. What is it that draws me to them?? How do I find Love ?????

Signed Broken GPS (Girl Picking System)

Dear Broken GPS,

Both men and women suffered from broken GPS’s for the same reason. When we find ourselves attracted to people we believe we can fix, or make better in some way such as providing a place to live, sending them back to school, or helping them recover from an addiction, we are responding to our own internal negative programming. We have a subconscious belief is that we are not lovable the way we are. The thought is we must somehow earn love by performing a task. The goal of this belief is once we “fix” the person, they will be so happy and grateful they will love us forever and never leave us. We may have developed this belief because we lost someone due to death or divorce and we are hoping for a guarantee so we don’t have to feel that type of loss again. Another way we can develop this belief is being raised in a family that required you to act in a certain why to be loved. For example, if you misbehaved or performed poorly in school the love was withdrawn. That loss of love was so traumatic that now as an adult you still continue to look for ways to earn love.

            The unfortunate result of this line of thinking is further rejection and abandonment. When you try to “fix” someone else you are sending them the message that they are broken; that they are somehow not acceptable as they are. This is a painful message to send to someone. If that person stays in the relationship with you it will erode their self-esteem. In order to save themselves they must leave you and find someone else that doesn’t believe they need fixing; someone who will love them just the way they are.

            The irony is that both people are really looking for the same thing. Both are looking to be loved and accepted just the way they are. There is a saying that when you point a finger at someone else there are three pointing back at you. When you are attracted to people you believe you need to fix, it is you that you believe needs fixing. Your belief is that no one could possible love you for just being you. By learning to love and accept yourself, you will lose the need to have to earn love. When you truly love yourself, you realize that you a perfect just as you are. You accept your faults as well as your assets and you realize we all have both. You no longer feel you have to earn love because you realize love is a free gift that cannot be earned or captured. Only by letting others be exactly who they are suppose, can we finally be exactly who we are suppose to be. And when two people are exactly as they are suppose to be met, only then can we develop a relationship based on the love we desire.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been out of recovery for awhile now, I am back in and I have been clean for 1 month today. I really don’t think about using, it’s the living on life’s terms that gets me. I go to church and I love it.  But I need meetings also and my family doesn’t think they help, they believe I just go there to find other addicts and get high. Which I have in the past. I am 46 years old I have been trying to stay clean all my life but I end up relapsing and in and out of I don’t know how many treatment centers. Can you give me some advice on what I need to do?

Thanks,

Signed Not Sure What to do

Dear Not Sure what to Do,

I wish I had the magical words for you. I really wish I had the magical cure that could make everything better. The words that could keep you clean and restore your families trust in you. But I don’t.

What I can tell you is that the majority of the people that walk into recovery end up walking back out. Even though they are in pain, even though it’s obvious they need the 12 steps, even though they might die, they say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You see, this program is not for people that need it; it’s for people that want it. I can only hope that God gives you that special gift he gave me. It’s the gift of desperation.   

The old timers would tell their stories in an effort to raise the bottom. They hoped if you can identify with what they had been through prior to their bottom that you might not have to ride all the way down. Go to lots of meetings until you find someone who you can identify with, then ask them for help. Do exactly as they tell you, especially if you don’t want to.

I am going to wish you what they wished me when I came in. When I first heard it I thought it was cruel, but now I understand. My dear I wish you a long slow recovery. Don’t get well too soon, stay green and desperate.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am recently sober (70 days) and am loving being that way. My problem is that even though I’ve started attending NA meetings, I’m missing the comfort of having a significant other. Is it too soon to start looking for a potential boyfriend and is it wrong to consider my fellow NA members as prospects? I know I got a lot of work to do as far as I’m concerned but I miss having someone around to share my life with. What should I do?

Signed,

Looking for love

Dear Love Bug,

Congratulations are getting clean! You are on the start of a wondrous journey. Thank you for writing in and asking this question. This is a great one!

One of the first things I heard when I can into the rooms was “don’t have a relationship for the first year.” Since this was not one of the steps, I realized it was optional. Not having the comfort of a significant other was simply too much for me to bear. I got involved with a semi-recovering heroin addict which was disastrous. The relationship didn’t last very long and I began a series of serial relationships that lasted for the next 17 years. During that time, I stayed clean and sober but I robbed myself of a lot of the growth and happiness and caused damage to myself and others.  

If you do not deflect, that is get in a relationship, or switch addictions, such as work or food, you will grow exponentially during your first year. That’s the good news. The bad news is that growth can be painful, sending you running out in the middle of the night looking for comfort. When you get involved in a relationship several things can happen. You stop growing because you focus on someone or something else. You grow but since people usually don’t grow at the same rate, your growth can be inhibited by the relationship. In other words, the relationship becomes a deterrent for change for the fear you will grow apart.

Or, the biggest issue when it comes to relationships early on is that you have a lot of pain. When you look for comfort, you are not looking for a healthy loving relationship; you are looking for a savior, someone to take away your pain. No one can do that for you. Eventually you will realize that they are not the right person, because you choose them for the wrong reasons. Then you will have to decide if you want to look for another savior, or finally give yourself the time to heal and grow.

You need to love yourself before you love another person. You cannot give what you do not have. My sweetheart, please take the time to work on yourself now, so you can enjoy all the joy, promises and love in store for you.

Love,

Dawn

I often hear people say things like, “you need to watch out for number one,” or quote Darwinism with its “the survival of the fittest out there.” This ideology of looking out for you above all else, can unfortunately produce the opposite of the desired result. For example, maybe you are in a hurry to get home. In your haste you cut someone off in traffic. That person becomes upset and decides to retaliate and cut you off. He jumps in front of you and slams on the breaks. You try to stop but end up rear ending him. Now instead of gaining time, you end up losing much more time because you now need to make an accident report, maybe get a tow truck and a ride home, and later lose time getting your car repaired.   

            As a biology professor, I have heard many people us biological concept such as Darwinism to rationalize poor behavior. They end up not doing “survival of the fittest,” but something very different. In biology when one organism only looks out for themselves and takes from another organism without providing any benefit to the relationship they are referred to as a parasite. Most parasites are undesirable blood sucking pests. Not something you probably want to be known for.

            Most of us are aware when we have a parasite relationship, although I may not define it as such. We intuitively understand a parasitic relationship by the way they make us feel. We may feel uncomfortable, put on or drained after and encounter with a parasite. For example, the friend that calls up only to talk about her problems. Then gets off the phone the minute you try to talk about yours. Or the friend who is always broke or borrowing something and never repays the money or returns any of the borrowed items. All of these are one sided parasitic relationships. There are many other examples, often more subtle, but the key to a parasitic relationship is that one person gains and the other loses, or at least they feel like they have lost something.

            You can be a parasite in a one on one relationship with another person, or even in a group. If you are part of a group and only bring your problems to the group and never bring a solution, you are behaving like a parasite. If you are part of a group and never give back by providing service, expecting others to do all the work while you are receiving some benefit you are acting like a parasite.

            The problem is no one likes a parasite. People will go to incredible lengths to avoid or eradicate parasites. So, you are acting like one, taking without giving, don’t be surprised if someone retaliates against this behavior. If you really want to watch out for number one, you may have to stop thinking so much about number one.

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn