I often hear people say things like, “you need to watch out for number one,” or quote Darwinism with its “the survival of the fittest out there.” This ideology of looking out for you above all else, can unfortunately produce the opposite of the desired result. For example, maybe you are in a hurry to get home. In your haste you cut someone off in traffic. That person becomes upset and decides to retaliate and cut you off. He jumps in front of you and slams on the breaks. You try to stop but end up rear ending him. Now instead of gaining time, you end up losing much more time because you now need to make an accident report, maybe get a tow truck and a ride home, and later lose time getting your car repaired.   

            As a biology professor, I have heard many people us biological concept such as Darwinism to rationalize poor behavior. They end up not doing “survival of the fittest,” but something very different. In biology when one organism only looks out for themselves and takes from another organism without providing any benefit to the relationship they are referred to as a parasite. Most parasites are undesirable blood sucking pests. Not something you probably want to be known for.

            Most of us are aware when we have a parasite relationship, although I may not define it as such. We intuitively understand a parasitic relationship by the way they make us feel. We may feel uncomfortable, put on or drained after and encounter with a parasite. For example, the friend that calls up only to talk about her problems. Then gets off the phone the minute you try to talk about yours. Or the friend who is always broke or borrowing something and never repays the money or returns any of the borrowed items. All of these are one sided parasitic relationships. There are many other examples, often more subtle, but the key to a parasitic relationship is that one person gains and the other loses, or at least they feel like they have lost something.

            You can be a parasite in a one on one relationship with another person, or even in a group. If you are part of a group and only bring your problems to the group and never bring a solution, you are behaving like a parasite. If you are part of a group and never give back by providing service, expecting others to do all the work while you are receiving some benefit you are acting like a parasite.

            The problem is no one likes a parasite. People will go to incredible lengths to avoid or eradicate parasites. So, you are acting like one, taking without giving, don’t be surprised if someone retaliates against this behavior. If you really want to watch out for number one, you may have to stop thinking so much about number one.

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am 5 months sober. I have had 2 relationships in the past 7 months, one healthy the other not. I found someone again and I think this one can be my one true one. Am I crazy?

Dear Sweet Child,

No you are not crazy. We all want to love and to be loved. Mother Theresa is quoted with saying “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” When we come into recovery our heart and soul’s are broken. We are starved for love and look for it anywhere we can find it.

Sometimes we find it, but most often our search is unsuccessful. The reason is, that the people we usually meet in the beginning are usually just like us…starved for love. So we both end up trying to get love instead of giving love. For a relationship to flourish you must give love freely. Imagine a butterfly. It has a poetic beauty as it flutters from flower to flower. When we try to capture it and hold onto it, we damage the poor thing. The powder comes off its wings and it can loss its ability to fly.  By trying to capture the beauty of the butterfly, we end-up losing it. Love can be similar.

I was told early on that the people in the rooms would love me until I learned to love myself. I found that to be true. Go to meetings and plug yourself in. Find some people with time that are willing to take you under their wing. Soak up all their love until you feel full. And, then after you are whole again, you will be ready to freely love. Good luck sweetheart and thank you for writing.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

My boyfriend and I are both in recovery, both 2 years, and both on 4th step. In the past we just could not seem to be on the same relationship level at the same time Because of pass abuse, sex was a big issue for me. Since working my 4th step, I have found a new freedom in that area of my life. Now just when it seemed like all was well, quality time together has become an issue. Because of our work schedules and service commitments we hardly have time together (2 nights a week). Now he is also scheduling stuff on those nights, though it is not every week he does this; it is enough that it is affecting me. I am big on recovery first, but that is not the case. I have told him my feelings and he acted as if it was my problem alone. As if he was o.k. with a day out of the week here and there. Yes we live together, but I feel if I was not there he would not notice. Do you think I am being selfish or making too much of this?

Dear Sunshine,

Time together is challenging in most relationships when you are juggling so many things. If you don’t make a real effort at quality time, time together can easy slip away. When you live separate you have to make arrangements to be together such as dates. But since you two live together, you can easily confused quantity with quality. Just because you spent the last 10 hours under the same roof doesn’t mean you spent time together, especially if most of the time you both were sleeping.

Try to schedule a date night each week. A date night is where you do something together and reconnect with each other. Focus on the quality rather than the quantity. Since each of you are in an important time (in the middle of your steps), time with sponsors and meetings are very important. Allow each other the time to work on yourself and the relationship. Sometimes we focus on the outside stuff, when we really need to be looking within. Step work can make you feel uncomfortable, but this will pass. As you continue to work on the steps and become more comfortable with yourself, your relationship will follow suit.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I relapsed right after my year, so I have a month of sobriety now.  I have stopped going to meetings and I do not have a sponsor. I am alone much of the time and I am depressed and anxious most of the time. I am wondering if sobriety is for me.

Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for writing me!  You are not alone.  Many people that have relapsed feel lonely, depressed and afraid.  That is quite normal.  You have a disease that wants to kill you, but before it can, it has to get you alone.

I know it is tough and scary, but please go back to the meetings.  Your friends are wondering what happened to you.  And, yes if you return, some may be disappointed that you relapsed.  Their disappointment stems from the fear of their own disease.  However, I can assure you that the overwhelming percentage will be happy and grateful you returned. 

Did you see the movie The Titanic?  There is a scene in the movie, where the lifeboat is traveling through the dead bodies looking for survivors.  The people in the boat are somber because they wonder if there was more that they could have done to help.  But when a survivor started blowing a whistle, everyone was overjoyed that one was found!

The rooms are a lot like the life boats in The Titanic.  When someone goes back out we sometimes feel guilty wondering if we could have done more.  But when we find a “live one” we can pull into the boat with us, we are thrilled.  Please, please, please go back to the meeting.  We love and miss you and know it’s cold out there.

 Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 I have been in recovery since May of 2008.  I relapsed right after my year, so I have 4 months of sobriety now.  I have stopped going to meetings,  I do not have a sponsor, I am alone much of the time and have depression and anxiety without the drugs or alcohol. So my question is, how do I let go of my fear again?  I know there is nothing in the rooms that is going to hurt me.  But, I have isolated from the people I got sober with for almost 5 months and I feel like I did before I started the journey of recovery.  Help In Vegas

 Hi Vegas,

 Thank you so much for writing me!  Congratulations on your 5 months of sobriety! 

 I have been in your shoes before in my own life.  During different times in my life I have drifted away from the program.  At times, I just got busy with life and at other times I isolated.  What I eventually learned is that I had a disease that was trying to pull me away from the pack to in order to kill me.

 Imagine yourself as a baby antelope and your disease of addiction as a large lion.  You are safer and much more likely to stay alive if you get in the middle of the herd.  However, if you find yourself getting away from the herd you put yourself in grave danger.  You might not be attacked right away, but the longer you stay on the outskirts, the greater your chances of being killed.  And, I think you are feeling that fear.

 Please come back to the rooms and tell us your story.  We need people like you to come back and tell us what happens when we stay away too long.  We need you to tell us that even though you have almost 5 months you feel like you did before you started the journey.  Your return and sharing of your experience could save someone’s life. 

 Love,

Dawn