Dear Dawn,

Hi, I’ve been on recovery for over 6 months. I’m really proud of myself and feel fantastic. I see and know many couples, and I wish I had someone to share my life with. However, when I really give it some thought-I immediately feel exhausted-relationships are a lot of work and there are many concessions one has to make. I was married for 20 yrs.-to the king of emotional abuse-who had me doubt my perceptions-he was a deceitful sneaky guy. To add insult to injury-he was a banker-yep! He screwed me royally in the end-but I am so happy to be free of him-it was worth every dollar I was duped out of. Much as I would like to share my life (I’ve been in several relationships since my divorce) I just can’t find a guy who fits my criteria-he very 1st time catch him lying to me-he’s out. I’m 57 yet I’m told-and I work hard at it-look 10-15 yrs. younger. At this stage of life a woman becomes either “a nurse or a purse” I am NO ONE”S NURSE OR PURSE! This is the 1st time in my life that I live alone and I LOVE it! I can do anything I want-or do nothing-I’m free. Is their something wrong preferring NOT to be in a relationship? Are there any men out there who can be trusted if so-how many? Do I need therapy because I don’t trust men-actually I don’t like them very much either. Is there any hope for me, or am I destined to end my days living with my cat? PLS help- Lady with a cat

Dear Lady with a cat,

Congratulations on your new life. You sound happy and excited about the next chapter. So let’s get busy so you can enjoy it. You have a wonderful opportunity to move on to the next loving level of your life. It sounds like you have learned some great lessons, including recovery. There is a saying in recovery to wait until after the 1st year to begin a relationship, this maybe a good idea for you, since it sounds like you have a lot of healing to do. The loss of a 20 year marriage is a big deal and to throw on top of it emotional abuse.

First, I hope you have a great sponsor to help you through the steps. Working out the issues of the marriage will be critical to do before you get into a new relationship. The tragedy that many people find themselves in, is escaping a bad relationship, only to find themselves in a similar relationship because they failed to do the healing work. The healing work is recognizing that everything that happened in your life was for a reason and for your own good. Once you can accept the things not only happened, but also find the blessing in them, than will you be truly heal. This is not an easy thing to do, but acceptance and forgiveness is key.

You said something in your letter that is a little scary. You said at your age a woman becomes either a nurse or a purse. Although that’s a very cute saying, it could be an insidious thought. Your thoughts are constructive, so what you believe you achieve. For example, if your belief is all men cheat. You will end up only meeting men that cheat because your mind only picks out the things it resonates with. The good news is that positive affirmations can help. Affirmations such as “I only attract healthy, self-supporting men with integrity” will help you to rewrite that old belief.

Your question was do I need a therapist because I don’t like men. If that’s what you truly believe – that you don’t like men. But, you want a relationship, it sounds like a therapist might be in order. You can do the work yourself, but a therapist can help speed up the process and keep you on the right track. You are going through a wonderful growth period in your life, a time to reevaluate and to decide what is important and what you truly want. Enjoy the process and I guarantee you wouldn’t end your days living with your cat, if you don’t want to.

Love,
Dawn

Last post, I talked about the factors that lead to a broken GPS, an attraction to the wrong men. I stated that there were four main causes of a broken GPS or broken picker. I call these blocks to love. The four blocks are:

•                       Unresolved pain
•                       A belief in a lack of love
•                       Negative programming
•                       Not defining what you want

 Then, I explained how unresolved pain contributed to this painful condition. Now, I would like to explain how a belief in a lack of love can develop into a broken GPS.

A belief in the lack of love is a belief that love is in finite supply. It’s a belief that love is somehow limited. For example, Amber tried to tell me the reason she hasn’t been able to find love is because she is different. She has personality quarks that make it hard for her to find someone. When I asked her about these unique traits, she named a few things such as she shyness, reading a lot and is a picky eater. It became apparent as she fished for excuses, that Amber’s real problem was she didn’t believe there was anyone out there that would love her. Amber believed that there was not one person in the 6.8 billion on this planet that could possible love her.

Statistically, we all realize how silly that idea is, but so many of us still put restrictions on love. When we believe in unrequited love, we believe in a lack of love. We are telling ourselves, that particular person is the only one for us; that there can be no one else…ever. Like some heartbroken teenager, we tell ourselves over and over, “I’ll never find love again.”

A belief in a lack of love is a belief in a perception that stops you from finding love before you start. The perception says that love is finite. Maybe you loved once. Now we are sure we would never find love like that again. Which may be true, you may not find a love exactly like that. In fact, I know you wouldn’t, you will find a new and richer love. A love that is healthier and more mature. And, we all know that the sweetest fruit is the one we wait until it is matured to pick.

A belief in a lack of love is simply a lie we tell ourselves. It is part of our negative programming, but is one of the most common negative programs. Next time, we will look at how other negative programming can contributes to a broken picker.

Recently, I received a phone call. The women on the other end had just broken up with her boyfriend and called to bemoan, “You were right, I have a Broken Picker.” Now as much as I enjoy being right, I don’t enjoy being right about something as painful as being attracted to the wrong man.

            My friend has a broken GPS. She finds herself attracted to men that are not good for her, over and over again. She asked me what she was doing wrong. I assured her, that she was not doing anything wrong; she didn’t cause it, but she can do something to stop it. Having a broken picker is usually caused by one of four factors. Anyone with a broken guy picking system has at least one of these and some people may have two or more. The main causes of a broken GPS are:

•  Unresolved pain
• A believe in a lack of love
• Negative programming
• Not defining what you want

 The most common cause is unresolved pain. Let’s take a closer look at how unresolved pain can cause you to be attracted to unavailable men. Unresolved pain is when you get stuck somewhere in the grieving process. The grieving process has five stages:

•  Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

 You need to go through each step to reach acceptance. If you try to skip a step, or get stuck somewhere in the middle you have unresolved pain. For example, Katherine was divorced 2 years ago. She insists that she is ready to date, but at the same time she seethes with contempt when asked about her ex-husband. Obviously she is still stuck in the anger. In order to heal, she needs to continue through the grieving process until she reaches acceptance. It’s only after she reaches acceptance and finds the blessing in the experience will she truly be ready for love again.

Another example is Al. When Al was 2 years old his father left. His mother struggled to raise him and his two brothers alone. Since she had to work two jobs to make ends meet she didn’t have much quality time to spend with the boys. Al felt alone and abandoned much of his childhood. Al has been married and divorced twice and struggles in relationships. When you ask about his childhood he says, “They did the best they could with what they had.” When pressed about his childhood you can see glimpses of anger in his eyes. Al’s attempt to jump straight to acceptance, without going through the emotions has caused him to be stuck in denial. Trying to deny the pain, or avoid the pain only causes us more pain in the form of shattered relationships.

The relationship struggles are our bodies attempt to indicate a part of us needs healing. You are probably familiar with the experience of inflammation. When you hurt your arm, your body directs white blood cells to the site. It also increases the permeability of the blood vessels so more fluid can reach the area and it causes the nerve ends to be more sensitive. The increase sensitivity or pain is your body’s way of letting you know you need to allow that part of you to heal.

That was a physical example; however, your body will do the same thing when in mental pain. An attraction to the wrong men is an attempt by your body to alert you to the fact that a part of your needs healing. Those old emotions need to be released. If not, they will remain trapped inside causing damage.

Next time we will take a look at how a belief in a lack of love contributes to a broken picker.

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I was introduced to sex at a very early age of 8 years old from being sexually abused. Every since then I have been going from relationship to relationship having sex. I HATE being single. I fall for anything because not being with a guy drives me crazy. I came to a really strict school in 2008 so when we are in session I’m ok it’s still really hard but not as hard as when we are not because I don’t have anything keeping me from getting with a guy. What do I do to stop this pattern in my life and overcome this need to have someone and to have sex?

Dear Sweetheart,

You are not alone. Many women who have survived a trauma like yours end-up experiencing the same aftermath, the intense desire to be sexual. It is one of those strange ironic twists like drug addiction. In drug addiction we become hooked on a substance that ends up causing trouble and pain in our lives. But for some reason we go back to the drug to relieve us of the pain in our lives that is caused by us using the drug to relieve us of the pain in our lives.

In your case, you use sex and the sexual attraction to relieve the anxiety and pain in your life. That is why you feel crazy when you don’t have a guy in your life. So what’s the answer? The answer is to dig deep, uncover and heal the original pain. That is what steps four and five are about. We need to uncover and face the issues we have been trying to run from. Many women feel a sense of shame because of abuse, which robs them of their sense of value. By healing your past, you can begin the long process of building self-esteem.

The first step is stopping. Continuing to act out on your impulses only deepens the pain. Find a support group of women who you trust to love and support you. Find a friend who you can call when you feel like calling a man, and find a sponsor who can work you through your past. You deserve love and happiness in your life. By dealing with the damage in your past, you will create a pathway to the life you desire. Good luck and God Speed.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I had almost 4 yrs clean and relapsed. Now I have a little over 18 months again. I waited a year to date both times. I only dated once in the first four years clean and none this time. I am lonely and scared. Is this normal? Do we recover in this area too and how?

Dear Scared and lonely,

Is this normal?  Absolutely!  Our own literature tells us that relationships are difficult.  The AA Twelve and Twelve states, “The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”  And, the NA Basic Text states, “One of our biggest stumbling blocks in recovery seems to be placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others.  Relationships can be a terribly painful area.”

The key too our recovery in this area is found in the NA quote…unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others.  When we get into a relationship we can easily put unrealistic expectations on other people.  We want them to love and adore us sometimes becoming hurt and angry if we see any evidence to the contrary.  In fact, some of us can be so guarded that we refuse to love someone else until we get an absolute guarantee they will not leave us (a definite unrealistic expectation).

Of course no one can live up to unrealistic expectations so as the basic text says, “If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands.”  So what is the key to a successful relationship?

Faith….a dependence on a higher power that is greater than any dependency on another person.  When we believe God loves us and is looking out for our best interests our fear lessens.  We realize that people go in and out of our lives. People are placed in our lives for our own best interest, and people leave our lives for our own best interest. God loves us so much that he removes people from our lives to make room for better ones. 

 So what can we do to help this process? Practice date.  Allow people to move in and out of your life without any expectations.  Date lots of different people and enjoy yourself.  Just don’t become sexual, until you have dated for awhile and have decided it is someone you would like a committed relationship with.  By this time some of your fears should have subsided as well as some of your expectations.  Please keep me informed of your progress.

 Love,

Dawn