Dear Dawn,

Nearly 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years due to his problems with alcohol and drugs. About 3 weeks after the break up I was asked out by a friend, who I had known for a few years and liked a lot, but that lasted only 4 months (he also has alcohol and gambling problems). Now I’m on my own again and really trying to put the pieces back together, but I’m finding it really hard to let my long-term boyfriend go. I know he is an alcoholic and drug user but I find myself thinking about the good things we did share and I feel really sad that it has to be this way. I know that I have done the right thing for my own sanity but it’s hard to move on. Although I’m not with this man anymore do you think Alanon would help me???

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know you are hurting, but this is normal and needed. You are grieving. By going out with the other guy you were hoping to avoid the grieving process by jumping into another relationship. This doesn’t work and the relationship usually dissolved in a few short months, as you discovered.

So now that your “savior” relationship is over, you find yourself thinking about your ex. Sometimes we go back to the relationship because we think this must be love, but it’s just your mind wanting closure. Alanon can help, but only if you focus on yourself and not him.

I would like you to try this exercise. Instead of thinking about him and what you both had, I want you to think about you and what you want. I want you to write down how you want your life to be in the future without putting a specific man in it. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do, do you want kids, a garden, or pets? Write down everything.

Once you figure out what you want in your life, now write down the characteristics of the relationship that you want to fit into that life. Create a sheet with four columns. In the first write down your “must haves,” in the second write down your “would likes,” and in the third write down your “negotiable” those are the characteristics that are not that important to you. In the final column write down the “deal breakers,” the deal breakers are those things that if he has you don’t want a relationship with him, such as an active alcoholic.

Once you have it all down on paper, that a look. Does your ex fit with what you really want in your life? I would guess not since you broke up because of his addictions. Now the next time you find yourself pining over your ex, pull out the list. Remind yourself, you deserve better in your life. Then, go take a hot bath, call a friend or read an inspirational book (such as From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire). Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry and grieve the lost of the relationship. But at the same time reaffirm that you deserve better. In fact, your desire for better is God given. There is something better out there waiting for you to be ready to accept it.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn

My question is this…When I first got sober over 7 years ago, I went straight into a full time relationship with another member of the fellowship. At that time I was only 4 weeks Sober. I really think what has happened is that now I am totally dependent on this person emotionally, physically etc. Our relationship is very turbulent and very hurtful and we cannot really be in the same room for very long or we will begin to fight. Please don’t think I am being horrible, but we no longer show any type of respect to each other. I now think it’s too late to rescue any kind of friendship/relationship between us. Do you think that I should cut my losses and move on? At this stage in my life I would like to start to learn who I am without running around trying to please someone else anymore. Any ideas, yes we are married, no children involved and no property to separate as we both do not live together. Thanks

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you so much to writing to me.  I understand your pain.  The fear of change can be so great that it makes the intolerable, tolerable. I don’t take leaving a marriage lightly.  I believe that marriage can provide us with some of our greatest lesson about love, compassion and living life.  We shouldn’t cut our losses too hastily. 

However, after reading you letter, I can’t image there is much to preserve.  You state you can’t be in the same room or you fight, that you have no longer respect for each other, and that you are very hurtful to each other.  Obviously at this point it would take a lot of work to keep the relationship together.  But you added one final insult, by stating that you don’t even live together.

It would seem to me that all you really have left is to sign the final paper work.  If the relationship is as you describe, you owe yourself to close this chapter in your life and prepare for a new exciting one. By finally releasing this relationship you will be making room for the happy life you deserve. I wish you the best of luck and please let me know what you decide.

 Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ve been struggling with a break up of an engagement for the better part of a year now. First I dealt with it by ignoring it; then I dealt with it by self medicating with alcohol. Neither of these tactics have worked. I’ve been “quit” from drinking for 5 weeks now, going to meetings every day, and still struggling with this raw, open wound. The object of my affection has “moved on,” threw the “baby out with the bath water,” but wants to remain friends. She took a trip with me to Aruba; came to the lake for family functions, came to the lake to visit me; has slept with me (but put up a rigid “no sex” boundary); and until recently was contacting me every day by phone and email. I finally said enough was enough and told her I had to distance myself from her until I could be just friends. Last night I saw her on match.com and it was a painful ! reminder that the raw, open wound is still there. I know getting involved with someone else to help myself move on is not fair or constructive…though it sure would make me feel better. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I know the most important thing is to not drink one day at a time. This raw pain is pretty rough though…thanks for your help.

Hi Sweetheart,

I grimaced when I read your letter because I have been guilty of some of the same actions your ex-girlfriend is doing.  She is acting very selfish, allowing you to take her on trips, compliment her and love her without any obligation of return.  She doesn’t want you, but she wants you to stick around until she finds someone else.  The “lets be friends,” is another way of saying “make  me feel good while I look for someone new.”

Here is my advice…block her number and email.  And, stay off of the on-line dating services.  You are only pouring salt in the wounds.  As you said getting involved without else right now is not fair.

The great thing you have to your advantage is your new found sobriety.  This is a great time for you.  You are at the beginning of a completely new life.  You are going to meet new friends and get involved in lots of new activities.  I know the pain is tough right now.  But, you need to get out of yourself, so you don’t feel sorry for yourself.  I hope you dive into the program. Go to many meetings and tell people you are new.  Then go to the meeting after the meeting (out for coffee). Take on service jobs and stay busy.  Pretty soon you will be wondering what you ever saw in old what’s her name.  

You have a wonder life ahead of you.  And don’t worry, you will meet plenty of women willing to go to Aruba with you.  Please keep me posted .

 Love,

Dawn