Dear Dawn,

 Hi, I am 3 years into recovery and was dating a guy with a little over a year.  I am in NA and he is in AA. We were friends for years in active addiction. Then we met again in recovery, and, well, one thing led to another; we started a relationship beyond the friendship. Well, things just didn’t work out. We started arguing often and his anger is still very much present, not to the physical point, but screaming and yelling, etc. When this first surfaced I told him I would not tolerate it. So, he went to anger management counseling for a short time then quit. Needless to say we are not together today. However we still do see each other often and it always seems to lead to us having sex, starting to talk, and then trying again to “self-will” something that is clearly not going to work. We both want to remain friends like we were before all this started but that isn’t working either. I am so lost in this and I know he is too. How do I know? Well, he ended up spending the night last night and we talked about how it isn’t going to work but there we were and then this morning we had coffee and talked more about how we can’t let go but holding on is messing with us both. We are not kids by any means; he is 43 and I am 47.  Any suggestions on how to handle this one?  Thanks so much.

 Dear Can’t Let Go:

 There is an old saying, “that the solution to your problem, lies in your question.”  I am saying this because you clearly state that you are “trying again to “self-will” something that is clearly not going to work.”  You are telling me you are not interested in a relationship with him, but you find yourself “entangled” (another word for falling into bed together) when you try to talk about things and you are bewildered as to why.

 Okay, here’s the problem.  It’s a pesky little hormone called oxytocin.  Oxytocin is produced when women are pregnant and helps with contractions and the release of breast milk.  It also causes the mother to bond with the newborn.  So, now you may be wondering…what does that have to do with me?

 Oxytocin is also called the hormone of love.  Women produce it during labor (which causes contractions of the uterus) and when she orgasms (another contraction of the uterus).  The release of oxytocin during an orgasm will cause you to bond with the man you are sleeping with, which leads to finding yourself the next morning having coffee with him wondering how this happened…again.

 So how do you fix it? You have to wait for the oxytocin to wear off.  This may take awhile, so you need to separate.  No more clandestine meetings to discuss your situation.  This will only lead to more oxytocin production (if you know what I mean…).

(editted by Jana G.)