Dear Dawn, I know you are a biologist and therefore believe in nature and the oxytocin connection rather than nurture. I believe in both. Either way, my question is really is there a possibility of friendship after a sexual relationship or not and how do gender differences figure in that equation? Thanks! Nancy

Hi Nancy,

What a great question! And, yes as a biologist I am very attuned to the oxytocin connection. When a female has sex and achieves orgasm (which of course we all hope to do) she will release oxytocin. This is a hormone that produces bonding. She will typically have warm regards for the person who gave her the orgasm.

Now your question is can you be friends afterwards? Yes, of course. But the big factor here is time. The oxytocin will eventually wear off. You might have noticed this if you ever meet an old flame after a couple of years. Sometimes you can walk away from a reunion wondering what you ever saw in them. Your oxytocin has definitely worn off.

Like yourself, I believe in both nature and nurture. So the real answer to your question is what is happening in the relationship? For example, if you maintain the relationship because he is the father of your children and it has turned into a friendship, I think that’s fabulous. However, if the relationship is preventing you from moving on and finding a healthy relationship, than you are better off without it.

Only you can decide if a relationship is for your highest good. One way to help you figure this out; is to sit down in your meditation as ask yourself the question…is this relationship love-based or fear-based. A fear-based relationship is one where you are afraid to be alone. A love-based relationship is one where you want the highest spiritual good for both people. If you determine that it is a love-based relationship, then congratulations! You have a healthy wonderful friendship!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

Recently, I received a phone call. The women on the other end had just broken up with her boyfriend and called to bemoan, “You were right, I have a Broken Picker.” Now as much as I enjoy being right, I don’t enjoy being right about something as painful as being attracted to the wrong man.

            My friend has a broken GPS. She finds herself attracted to men that are not good for her, over and over again. She asked me what she was doing wrong. I assured her, that she was not doing anything wrong; she didn’t cause it, but she can do something to stop it. Having a broken picker is usually caused by one of four factors. Anyone with a broken guy picking system has at least one of these and some people may have two or more. The main causes of a broken GPS are:

•  Unresolved pain
• A believe in a lack of love
• Negative programming
• Not defining what you want

 The most common cause is unresolved pain. Let’s take a closer look at how unresolved pain can cause you to be attracted to unavailable men. Unresolved pain is when you get stuck somewhere in the grieving process. The grieving process has five stages:

•  Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

 You need to go through each step to reach acceptance. If you try to skip a step, or get stuck somewhere in the middle you have unresolved pain. For example, Katherine was divorced 2 years ago. She insists that she is ready to date, but at the same time she seethes with contempt when asked about her ex-husband. Obviously she is still stuck in the anger. In order to heal, she needs to continue through the grieving process until she reaches acceptance. It’s only after she reaches acceptance and finds the blessing in the experience will she truly be ready for love again.

Another example is Al. When Al was 2 years old his father left. His mother struggled to raise him and his two brothers alone. Since she had to work two jobs to make ends meet she didn’t have much quality time to spend with the boys. Al felt alone and abandoned much of his childhood. Al has been married and divorced twice and struggles in relationships. When you ask about his childhood he says, “They did the best they could with what they had.” When pressed about his childhood you can see glimpses of anger in his eyes. Al’s attempt to jump straight to acceptance, without going through the emotions has caused him to be stuck in denial. Trying to deny the pain, or avoid the pain only causes us more pain in the form of shattered relationships.

The relationship struggles are our bodies attempt to indicate a part of us needs healing. You are probably familiar with the experience of inflammation. When you hurt your arm, your body directs white blood cells to the site. It also increases the permeability of the blood vessels so more fluid can reach the area and it causes the nerve ends to be more sensitive. The increase sensitivity or pain is your body’s way of letting you know you need to allow that part of you to heal.

That was a physical example; however, your body will do the same thing when in mental pain. An attraction to the wrong men is an attempt by your body to alert you to the fact that a part of your needs healing. Those old emotions need to be released. If not, they will remain trapped inside causing damage.

Next time we will take a look at how a belief in a lack of love contributes to a broken picker.

Dear Dawn

When I was in my drinking days, I liked this girl and wanted to date her. We went out and everything went great and we decided to enter into a relationship with one another. We began drinking a lot together. We’d both blacked-out at times, etc. But to make a long story short after a year of dating she has broken up with me. However, she’s my biggest supporter and strength through my recovery. I feel as if it’s my fault and she blames me as well…During the relationship everything was good. But as soon as I got caught by the police and entered into sobriety court and going to IOP and such (getting sober) I filled with jealousy. I blamed her for cheating when I had no information to even back that up. I’d constantly feel as if she was cheating. I’d say things (manipulate) to dig out if she’s cheated or not. I’ve checked up on her…I have never done this in a relationship and I really don’t know what’s wrong with me….I really do love her and I miss her…yet I pushed her out the door. Any advice?

Dear Sweetheart,

Oh boy! Your behavior (although very painful looking back at it) is quite normal. Using drugs and alcohol “deadens” our emotions. Most of us will tell you we used so as not to feel. Therefore when we get into recovery, we begin to feel again. What we feel first are those old fears that caused us to use in the first place. The drugs and alcohol removed the fear. When we stop, the fear is there, but now it’s much bigger because we add in the guilt and shame from using.

That fear is what is causing your jealousy; the fear of losing what you have or not getting what you want. The fear that you are not good enough and she will either leave you for another, or worse play you for a fool by cheating. When you feel the fear, you react with jealousy. Your ego tells you that if you can catch her, it will somehow not hurt as much.

By staying in recovery, developing a spiritual program, and working on yourself. You can uncover the underlying beliefs that are causing the fears and heal them. By healing them, you can free yourself from their power over you. You may still feel jealous or afraid from time to time, but they won’t cause you to sabotage your relationship. Do the work on yourself, trust in God, be patient, and expect a miracle.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m not an addict, but I’m in love with a recovering addict. We’ve dated for 6 months recently he decided to breakup with me. I didn’t see this coming. He’s loving caring and all he said to me was he don’t see a future with us. I’m so hurt my family loves him, his family loves me and he’s so private and he won’t allow me to talk to his family about our breakup. He’s a wonderful man and I’m thinking I did something wrong. I’ve supported him through his meetings and fellowship I encourage him and I love him. Please help I’m hurting and broken-hearted. I know this IN THE ROOMS page is for people with addiction problems but please don’t turn away the ones that love addicts or recovering addicts, we need help just as much so we can keep on fighting for the ones we love. Thank you for listening.

 Dear Broken Hearted,

I feel sad for your pain. This forum is for everyone and I am so glad you wrote to me. Breaking-up is not easy for either one. But that is really what the dating process is for. Ideally you date until you find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

It’s important to date for a while because when you first meet someone you get this “hormonal high” that feels like love. You need to keep dating until this wears off and to see if you are still attracted to the person. Sometimes you are and sometimes you are not. That’s the hard part, when you start doubting the long-tem possibility for the relationship.

Unfortunately another hormone may have come into play. Oxytocin is released during sex. Both people have it, but it tends to effect women more. Oxytocin causes bonding. So now the hormones are wearing off on one partner and another one is kicking in on the other.

Ok, so now that I explain the biology behind it, what does it all mean? It means that all though this is painful right now, it’s better for you in the long run. There is someone more suited for you out there. Someone who will just adore you! I can promise you that you will look back on this relationship one day and realized you would have settled for so much less in it. Cry and journal for a while then get back out there…he’ll be looking for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I met my boyfriend when I had a year of sobriety and he had two. He’s a drug counselor and we’ve been living together now for a little over a year. But a couple months ago I stopped going to meetings and withdrew from my community. In the end I relapsed. We love each other and I want to stay with him. What is the healthy thing to do? Do we stick together while I build myself back up, or is the healthy thing to do would be to move out until I am in a stable mind set?

Dear Sweetheart,

Your dilemma is more common then most people would hope. It is easy to get lulled into the security of a relationship and forget to take care of ourselves. Before we realize what happened we have slipped away from the program and are in trouble. Some people, like yourself, may even use again.

So the question is should you move out to get healthy? The question you need to ask, is do you ultimately want to stay? If you want to stay in this relationship, than why leave? If you leave to get healthy, then it will be very easy to slip back into old behavior when you return.

It may be harder, but eventually healthier to stay and work on you. What that means is you need to develop your own program independent of him. You need to find your own sponsor, your own meetings (try some women’s meetings) and work your own steps. I do believe you, when you said you love each other. Love and support is what you need right now. Gather around as many people that you can find that love you, while you learn how to love yourself.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been in an unhealthy relationship for 16 yrs. I want to get out, but I don’t want to feel the pain of releasing him or seeing him with someone else.

Dear Sweet Child,

I am so glad you wrote to me.  It is your birthright to be happy and loved.  I know that there is a life waiting out there beyond your wildest dreams.  But the admission price for that life is courage.  You have to have the courage to feel the pain of letting go of the old life, to make room for the new one. 

The only true way past the pain is through the pain.  Only by feeling the pain and allowing it to heal, can you freely move on. That’s the bad news.  The good news is that you are not alone.  You will find many friends to support you, hold on tight to them.  Allow them to love you and help you to heal.  Treat yourself well and give yourself the time to grieve, allowing the tears to soften you.   

It is important for you to find a place away from him.  You are correct in that the pain will be much greater if you see him.  You are like a caterpillar right now. Some biological marker has indicated that there is a need for a change.  Eventually the caterpillar will need to form a chrysalis, a rotective cocoon to allow for the transformation.  I understand the transformation process can be painful for the caterpillar.  But it is necessary to be able to emerge a beautiful butterfly, able to soar higher than the old caterpillar could have ever dreamed possible. 

Take a few minutes today and think about what your dreams are.  If your current life is not matching up to your dreams, you may be ready for change.   Don’t try to run from the pain, instead walk in the direction of your dreams.

Love,

Dawn

Aloha Dawn,

I don’t know how long I have been sober.  I have relapsed three times.  I am trying to get out of a relationship that I have been in for almost nine years.  I don’t know what to do because he is still using drugs.  How can I stay in the relationship and still be strong?

Sweetie,

Struggling to recover while living with someone who is using is very difficult.  I am sure a part of you wants to hold onto the romantic idea of staying together and both recovering.  I had that same dream myself.  I was one of those lucky ones that married her high school sweetheart.  Unfortunately, the marriage deteriorated quickly because of drug and alcohol abuse.  I want to tell you that I left when it became verbally and physically abusive (which it did), but the truth is, I left because he became stingy.

I didn’t last long on my own and soon found the rooms.  Not long after I came into recovery, he called to say he needed me.  I ran home with visions of him coming into recovery too.  We could both recover and live happily ever after together. 

My dreams were dashed when on our last night together he decided to leave me and go out to a bar.  I said, “I can’t go, it’s too dangerous for me.”  He said, “No problem, I’ll be back in a little while.”  I realized then, he wasn’t going to change.  If I thought my recovery was important, I couldn’t stay.

Fast forward 15 years and I found myself wondering what ever happened to my ex-husband.  A phone number came up when I googled his name.  When I called the number a woman answered.  I tried to play if off by telling her I had gone to high school with him and was just wondering how he was doing.  She then said, “the name on the caller ID says Dawn, is this the Dawn that he was married too?”  Since I was caught, I thought it better to tell the truth.  I said “yes it is.”

What happened next shocked me.  The poor woman began crying and said, “Oh Dawn, he hasn’t changed a bit.”  She went on to tell me the whole story of their marriage and his using.  She said he doesn’t work, takes her money, and is never home.  I felt so sorry for her I wanted to go up and save her.  I of course didn’t, I thanked her and hung up.  Then I dropped to my knees and thanked God that she was living that life and I didn’t have too.  By that time I had been released from the prison of addiction for over 16 years.   

I heard it said once that the program might not get you into heaven, but it will open up the gates of hell and let you out.  If you want to get out, you have made an important beginning by writing to me. The next step is to go to meetings and tell them what you told me. You are well on your way to an amazing life out there waiting for you.

 Love,

Dawn