Dear Dawn,

We have been together over 2 years. He does have a drinking problem. 3 times he has gotten bitterly verbal and physically abusive, 2 times in front of my daughter. I thank God it wasn’t us he was beating on, mainly the walls. I did ask him to leave. He’s been out 2 weeks now. He doesn’t feel he has a problem, denial. All his family knows he has a problem but I’m still getting the blame for kicking him out. I maybe have 1 or 2 drinks a week, but this problem has made me want more. I don’t know what to do as far as our relationship goes. I love him and it hurts. What do I do?

My Dear Sweet Child,

I applaud you for doing the right thing. This is tough stuff but you understood what was important and protected yourself and your daughter by asking him to leave. Of course his family will blame you because they don’t want to feel guilty themselves for his actions. Stay strong.

Now what to do? You need all the help and support you can get right now. Talk with family members that want to help, not blame. Once he becomes violent even if it only the walls it will be just a matter of time before you or your daughter get in the way. He needs help, but doesn’t know it. He has to have a consequence in his life to make him look at what he is doing and want to change. You asking him to leave may be that consequence. But, it’s only the beginning; he now has to do the work to change. This is something only he can do and only if he wants to.

You need to now take care of yourself and stay strong for your daughter. There are resources out there that will support you. I beg of you to look into attending an Alanon meeting. To find one in your area:  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Also there are organizations set up to help women in your situation. In my area we have Women in Distress http://www.womenindistress.org.

When I was twenty years old I married my high school sweetheart and love of my life. A few months after we were married, he became violent. I blamed it on the cocaine because I knew deep down he was a loving man. One night he became violent again, but this time I got in the way. Beaten and bruised I got up the next day and decided to leave. I hoped he would get help and I could return. He never did. I on the other hand, went on with my life and have a much greater life then I would have ever had with him. A few years ago, I called to find out what ever happened to him. He remarried but did not change. His new wife started crying on the phone talking with me. She said it had been 15 years and he was still the same! As you can imagine, I hung up the phone grateful that I wasn’t waiting for him to change.

Looking back on it now, I realize it was God’s way of telling me “I have something much better in store you.” Stay strong…you are doing the right things. And, understand that God has something better in store for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am wondering if there is a 12 step workbook on sexual abuse. My dad molested me at 3 years of age, raped me when I was 16. I have had abusive relationships all my life. I am currently 56 years of age and facing the realities of childhood abuse.  Exploring why I cannot love/be loved; intimacy doesn’t exist for me. I know now it wasn’t my fault; however doesn’t seem to change anything. I have 90 days clean, never wanted to live until 90 days ago, working the steps, but I feel like I need more.

Dear Sweetheart,

I have done a little research and have found a resource I hope may help.  There is an organization called ASCA Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (www.ascasupport.org).  It’s an international self-help support group program designed specifically for adult survivors of neglect, physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. They have a handful of meetings mostly in large metropolitan areas.  However, they have an on-line virtual meeting place, as well as an on-line manual.  I hope this helps you find all the love and support you need. I am so glad you have found recover.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

My husband is a recovering alcoholic (sometimes).  He keeps relapsing just about every 2 to 3 weeks.  He gets very mean and verbally abusive to me when he uses.  I love him and do not want to end my marriage of only a year and a half.  I am afraid to let him out of my sight, for fear of him using.  My question is, is there any hope for my marriage?

Thank you, Sue

Dear Sue,

Thank you for writing.  You wrote something in your letter that is very scary to me.  You said when your husband uses; he gets mean and verbally abusive. I find that behavior unacceptable. Love does not mean pain.  Even if he is falling short of physically abusing you, verbal abuse is just as damaging. 

You need to get yourself in a safe place with safe people.  Please check out the Alanon Family Groups at www.al-anon.alateen.org.  There is an organization in Broward County Florida called Women in Distress (www.womenindistress.org) that helps women in your situation.  They define battering and abuse in a relationship to include: name calling, insulting, humiliating, criticizing, and blaming. Just because you don’t have physical scars doesn’t mean you are not being hurt.

I had a similar situation in my first marriage. When he used he became verbally abusive.  Unfortunately, one night, when I didn’t do what he wanted, he snapped and became physically abusive.  I was able to get out with just a few bruises and a black eye.  Some women are not that lucky.

Once you are safe from the abuse, you can begin to look at if there is hope for the relationship. Take care of yourself first.  Then decide later if you both want to work on the marriage. Please keep me up-dated and let me know how you are doing.

Love,

Dawn