Dear Dawn,

I’m a drunk, father and married to great women. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 18Yrs old I am now 48. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety and have been unemployed for the past 6 months because of layoffs after working at the same job for over 20 years. I come from a dysfunctional family, Dad was a drunk and has passed last year, and mother has been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 6years of age. I remember on time when she burnt my hands with matches for playing around with her cigarettes when I was 7 or 8 years old. She also loved to beat me with anything she could get her hands on when I was growing up. I was woken up once at night when I was 8Yrs old by my mother who was trying to stop my dad from raping her. My sister was born because of that rape and was later kicked out of the house at the age of 15 years old by my mother for having sex with her boy friend. The list goes on and on and I’ve tried to go to consoling and therapy, but nothing helps. I have nightmares that I’m back living with my mother. I started drinking again in July 2010 and just recently stopped in Sept. 2010 but the mental pain of depression and anxiety get the best of me every day, I take Cymbalta and xanax and that seems to help, but I do not want to get hooked again on drugs. I have no friends, not interested in sports like every other guy is and I always feel that I am less of a person and that everybody is better than me. I have very low esteem about myself. The only thing I’m good with is fixing computers, and I apply daily for jobs and call job recruiters daily. My wife avoids me because I’m always depressed and so do my kids. I really have no one I trust to talk too and when I go to AA meetings they depress me more and there is always someone that feels they have to tell me what to do and try to control my life. No one controls my life but god and my actions, but my prays are not being answered so I’m lost and want to kill myself. But I’m too chicken to get the job done. Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Sweetheart,

This is the toughest letter I have received. I am afraid not to respond, yet not sure of what to say. I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand how you feel. I have been in similar places myself, but each place is unique.

I can however provide you with some advice. I know something that can lessen your burden instantly and help you to feel better about your life and yourself. The question is if I told you what this key is would you actually pick it up? If I explained what to do, would you dismiss it or us it? I can only hope you give my suggestion a try.

There is one thing that works when all else fails. In fact this is the thing the Bill Wilson learned that started 12 step programs. Wonder what it is? Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. It can be a simply as giving someone a ride or talking to a homeless man. You can make some sandwiches and drive them down and feed people in need, or volunteer a habit for humanity.

Once I was driving down the road when it started to rain. An older woman was walking and getting wet, so I stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to risk getting it. It turned out she was trying to go to the grocery store. I was able to take her shopping and drive her back home with her groceries. Her gratitude and happiness instantly lifted the burden I had been carrying. Also, it turned out that she lived on my street, just a few buildings down. She continued to make me feel good because when I would see her she would wave and ask me in for tea.

I have to admit, I only gave her a ride because my sponsor had suggested that I help another person. And, I hate to admit it, but just like many things that are good for me, the minute I felt better I stopped doing the activity that made me feel better. Therefore, I have not continued to put myself out there as much as I would like. But I can tell you, I think if more people would just take a few moments to be kind to someone else, anti-depressant sales would plummet.

In addition to helping someone else, I would suggest asking for help for yourself. Get back to meetings and ask for help. Find a sponsor or mentor, someone whose life you admire and ask them how they did it. Then follow their directions. What you are feeling right now is temporary. There is a wonderful and amazing life beyond your wildest dreams out there waiting for you, if you dare work for it. I wish you only happiness.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am nearing a divorce with my husband of 23 years. He is 6 months sober but not thinking any differently. His alcoholism mostly caused financial neglect. I have stayed with him thru bankruptcy, IRS issues, and now a job loss. He has always been kind, attentive, and a good father. My therapist says leave. “Nice, attentiveness” is the easy stuff. He has been terribly reckless with my future. He is lingering, refusing to believe I’d end it and I feel paralyzed, not able to break away, be “cruel”. My head says he is a liability. Why is it so hard? I don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Afraid to say goodbye

Dear Afraid To Say Goodbye,

I am so sorry for your pain and frustration, I completely understand, this is a huge decision. You have spent a great deal of your life with this man, and that is probably why he doesn’t believe you. We tend to believe things will continue as they are. We find a level of comfort with the familiar even if it’s painful.

You said he is 6 months sober but not thinking differently, which is probably a very good assessment. Recovery takes some time, the thinking doesn’t really change until after working the steps. The spiritual awakening is a result of working all the 12 steps. So it does take some time.

You indicated he is sober, so I am going to assume he has a big book. That’s the Alcoholics Anonymous book. If so, I would like you to read a chapter called the Family Afterwards. I believe it may explain some of the things you are feeling right now. In addition, before you make any major changes, I would recommend attended a few Alanon meetings. These are people just like you that have been living with the pain of alcoholism for many years. There you will find help and guidance to make the best decision for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn:

I am so lost. I am an addict who has caused so much hurt, pain and destruction. I’m married to a beautiful woman who at one point I considered my best friend and soul-mate. As an addict I have never really gave recovery 100% and with every relapse I have simply ran from the problems I’ve caused. After losing my job in September ’09,’ I relapsed and ran to Cali leaving my son, wife and our home. Everything was going downhill and my wife and I were separated because of my addiction and our inability to get along. I wasted about six months running around and now I’m in Oklahoma because I couldn’t stay clean in Cali where all of my previous addiction history resides and I caused a situation with a good friend and lost great trust. Another friend who I know from Cali and also recovering addict suggested I come out here to Oklahoma to the sober living house he stays in and I’ve been trying to start over and give my recovery a 100 percent. I’m going to meetings every day, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. My wife and I are talking again and she wants me to come home especially because I left everything to fall on her. Her mother has cancer and going through chemotherapy. My wife has also very recently had two of her good friends lose their mothers to cancer within the last year, plus she is also sick with a lifelong disease of sickle cell anemia. As I’ve started trying to be more honest for the sake of ever having any real recovery, I’ve told my wife that I have cheated. When I was running from the mess I’ve caused I figured we were not going to be together anymore which is a feeling I’ve often had while we were together. I’m realizing that I am very sick in my head. I swore everything was her fault and she was way too needy for attention. I am starting to see my part in our past conflicts. I am afraid to go back to Minnesota because mainly I’m afraid of the fact that everyone else like her parents and mine are through with me. Her parents use to think I was the best thing that has ever happened to their daughter and now it is the opposite. We still have our home which no one is living in and it will be foreclosed on in what I was told a year. I don’t know what to do. She is scared but wants me back to be with her and to love her. I want to be back with her but I’m scared to be there and own up to the hurt and wreckage I’ve created which includes leaving their car in Cali. I know all trust in me is shot and I’m sure they have no desire for me to be around. I don’t know what to do. At one point I had become addicted to my wife’s medication which was the main reason for this second separation. I feel obligated to go back because she is my wife who I deserted and hurt. I know where ever I go, my recovery must go, at the same time, I’ve always felt I’ve had such a difficult time getting along with her and now I understand that some if not all of that was due to my disease, limited communication and life skills. What do I do?

Dear Lost,

            I understand your pain. You have quite a mess on your hands, but it sounds like you have learned (the hard way) that running away doesn’t work. So now what do you do? You will need to go home eventually. Your wife needs you, but she needs the adult you. It’s time to meet your obligations and deal with your wreckage.

            It is not going to be easy, but you need to start. One step at a time, one day at a time. Some people will not trust you, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will doubt your intentions, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will not like that you came back, but that doesn’t matter. You need to go back and do the right things, because that’s all that matters.

            When we first get clean it is very tempting to be rigorously honest. We want to lessen our own guilt by admitting our faults to the ones we hurt. You can’t do that. The step says “except when to do so would injure others.” When you tell your wife about your indiscretions you feel relieved because you take the burden from yourself and place it on her. That’s not fair, you need to admit your faults to someone it will not hurt.

            Go home and be the best person you can be. When she gets mad or upset, forgive her, just as you would like to be forgiven. Go to meetings, find a home group, start working and help her as much as you can. You have a lot of ground to make up, but you can do it. You have already made huge steps; you are admitting your faults and asking for help. With that type of willingness you can’t go wrong.

Love,

Dawn

Would you like instant gratification? You are probably thinking, “Of course ,Dawn who wouldn’t?” Well, here is your chance. Starting April 23, 2010, Holistic Lifestyles Radio will be producing a new week long line-up of recovery based call-in shows, including a live version of Love In The Rooms. This is not meant to replace your letters (please keep them coming). But, if you can’t wait, and want instant feedback now you have an opportunity.

The show is every Friday from 10pm to 11pm est. It’s an interactive show about relationships and recovery. Simply call 1-888-565-1470 to be a part of it. In The Rooms makes listening easy, just click on the Holistic Lifestyles Radio listen live button at 10 pm each night for the greatest hour of recovery on radio. You can also listen live in South Florida by tuning into WWNN 1470 AM.

This show is part of a new and exciting line up every week night at 10pm est. Monday’s will feature Ken Seeley of Intervention911 and Thursday night will be Terry Gorski with relapse prevention. Wondering who will be on the other two nights…we have some big surprises in store so you have to tune in.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

What is your take on relationships in early recovery? I had been in and out of NA for about a year when I met my ex in the rooms. He was 60 days at the time and had been in and out also before this. I didn’t really care about the suggested things at the time, so we got together. We moved pretty fast and I moved in with him. He managed to get up to 11 months, the cleanest he had ever been. I continued to relapse, but less frequently. Before I couldn’t get more than a few days up, but started to get months up. I ended up moving out though due to my using. Then he relapsed while I was clean and we used together. We only used together around 10 times, as it was just really sad and we knew it would kill our relationship, which had been on and off due to my using. I ended up going to rehab and I hoped we’d get back together when I got out and was clean. Something changed this time and it’s the first time I really feel I’m getting real recovery. This is the cleanest I’ve been and I’m not white knuckling it. I’m doing at least a meeting a day, working the steps with a great sponsor and working on my connection with my HP. I was told in the rehab that being in a relationship wasn’t a good idea. My ex had been told the same and we have not been seeing each other even though we both still have feelings for one another. We still sometimes speak on the phone or see each other at a meeting, but not often. It’s now been 18 months since we first met. I have found being without him almost as hard as not using or probably the same. It’s been the main thing that has brought back thoughts of using. If it were up to me, I probably couldn’t resist being with him, but he really thinks it’s best for both our recoveries! I can see the benefits for sure. I am meeting more people and I’m starting to get a bit used to being without him. I am now 93 days clean. I am hoping though that we could get back together at some stage. I just wanted to get some advice from you about what the safest way would be to do this? When would be the best time? What are your tips on relationships in early recovery? Hope this wasn’t too long. Many thanks

Dear Sweetie,

Congratulations on your recovery! You sound great, getting to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, and most importantly developing a relationship with your higher power. This is just wonderful!

I am also very proud of your ex. He realized that your relationship was affecting both of your abilities to recover. But, not only that, he was strong enough to resist the temptation to slip back into it.

Relationships can be challenging at any point in recovery. But in the beginning it is extremely difficult. The main issue is that in order to recover, you need to change. The same person will use again. However, if you start changing while you are in a relationship, this can be very threatening to the other person. So, subconsciously you resist the change in order to safe-guard the relationship. That’s why couples end up slipping together for many years. They start to change, then fall back, over and over again.

It sounds like you two are doing the right thing. The suggestion is the rooms is to wait a year. This is an arbitrary time frame. The most important thing is to do the steps. The 12 step says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. The spiritual awakening is the change you are looking for; once, you are there, you will be free to have a happy and healthy recovery relationship. This was a very important question, thank you for writing.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

My boyfriend and I are both in recovery, both 2 years, and both on 4th step. In the past we just could not seem to be on the same relationship level at the same time Because of pass abuse, sex was a big issue for me. Since working my 4th step, I have found a new freedom in that area of my life. Now just when it seemed like all was well, quality time together has become an issue. Because of our work schedules and service commitments we hardly have time together (2 nights a week). Now he is also scheduling stuff on those nights, though it is not every week he does this; it is enough that it is affecting me. I am big on recovery first, but that is not the case. I have told him my feelings and he acted as if it was my problem alone. As if he was o.k. with a day out of the week here and there. Yes we live together, but I feel if I was not there he would not notice. Do you think I am being selfish or making too much of this?

Dear Sunshine,

Time together is challenging in most relationships when you are juggling so many things. If you don’t make a real effort at quality time, time together can easy slip away. When you live separate you have to make arrangements to be together such as dates. But since you two live together, you can easily confused quantity with quality. Just because you spent the last 10 hours under the same roof doesn’t mean you spent time together, especially if most of the time you both were sleeping.

Try to schedule a date night each week. A date night is where you do something together and reconnect with each other. Focus on the quality rather than the quantity. Since each of you are in an important time (in the middle of your steps), time with sponsors and meetings are very important. Allow each other the time to work on yourself and the relationship. Sometimes we focus on the outside stuff, when we really need to be looking within. Step work can make you feel uncomfortable, but this will pass. As you continue to work on the steps and become more comfortable with yourself, your relationship will follow suit.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hello and thanks for any insight. I was wondering if it was acceptable for me to share my recovery (the details of my steps) the things that are Ah-Ha’s for me with my partner. She is not in a 12 step and a healthy individual that is not an addict so she is not all familiar with the steps but very supportive. It has been 5 months together and when family and past things come up, I am reserved to discuss as I am not sure if it is ok to do so. Thanks signed should I share.

Dear Should I Share,

How wonderful that you are happy in recovery and diligently working on your steps.  In addition to that you are having amazing Ah-ha moments you want to share with your supportive partner. All of this is just great stuff.

So the question is should you share?  You have found a wonderful program and you are embracing a spiritual life and you wonder if you should share this? My question for you is why wouldn’t you share this with someone you love?

My only concern for you would be the extent of what you share. Of course share your Ah-ha moments, and share the exhilaration feeling you get. Also, share the principles that you are incorporating in your life. However, do not share anything that would harm your partner or make them feel bad. Sometimes we feel that rigorous honesty will help us to become more intimate with our partner. Unfortunately, this can have the opposite effect. Sharing our pasts may make us feel better, but it can place an undue burden on them. That you share with your sponsor.

Love,

Dawn

Hello Dawn,

I need some advice. I am in recovery in been sober seven years. I have been with the man of my dreams for over a year. We have a newborn two month old son; however, it has been really rough. He got back on drugs, I think maybe he cheated and was selling drugs. I’m living a double life. God rescued him when he got locked up for a month. He came out and wants to start over, however I do not trust him at all. I went to his phone changed his voicemail to access it and I’m going insane with all these thoughts and feelings. I am finding nothing but it’s only been a short time that we started over. But my mind keeps me insane. Any help or advice would be great. I love this man and want to be with him and I just can’t seem to let go of the past. I am willing and pray every day for God to help me and even thought the program teaches me how to live but I’m having a hard time applying the principles to this relationship. I want to salvage what we have in some move on but I can’t. Signed Letting Go.

Dear Letting Go,

I am so glad you wrote to me. I know exactly how you feel. When you doubt someone you become hyper-vigilant, looking for any evidence of impending dome.  It drives you crazy because you can’t seem to find any peace.

I have a suggestion that was given to me when I had similar emotions. What I was told was to give myself a certain period of time, maybe 6 months or a year.  During that time, I would agree to not make any decisions about the relationship. You practice being the person you would want to be in a relationship with. If you want a trustworthy, loving and kind partner, then you be the loving trusting supportive partner that you want.  Gather up a support group so when you feel afraid and want to check up on him, you can call them instead. Get active in your own life finding your own outlets and hobbies.

At the end of the time period, reevaluate your decision, if he is still the man you want to be with, then your relationship will probably be going pretty well. If however, you find he wasn’t trustworthy or just isn’t the man you want, you will have become the partner anyone would want. So instead of ending up an angry and bitter woman, you will have developed the qualities that will have men beating a path to your door. You will also maintain your sanity and a level of peace more conducive to raising a child. Whatever you decide, know that you deserve lots of love and the best the world has to offer.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Why can’t we all get along ??!!  I sent out a friend note to an NA member, who then replied back to me “I don’t friend people in A.A.” Wow I thought we got into recovery to experience personal freedom and happiness. I somehow missed the part about ‘I’m better than you and you don’t fit in because I don’t like your ‘WHAT I THINK I KNOW ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I ASSUME YOUR AN A– JUST BECAUSE YOUR IN A different fellowship’- I never read that line in the basic text or in the big book. I had my first NA sponsor in 1991 and went through the steps and started several meetings and did area service in New York. I am deeply saddened to find out that there are people still holding on to resentments and controversy between the fellowships anywhere in the world.

Dear why can’t we all get along,

I understand your frustration.  The fighting against each other is sad, but completely understandable.  We suffer from a disease that wants to separate us any way it can.  If it can’t separate us individually from the meetings, it will try to separate us from each other in the meetings.  It’s the disease of the ego.  The ego needs to have separation – it needs to judge, putting one above or below another.

When we recover and grow spiritually, we decrease the ego’s power.   Recover is about inclusion and selflessness, not about the ego.   Since the ego doesn’t like to lose power, it fights back, trying to regain its power by pitting us against each other.

The ideal spiritual being has no enemies, nor do they fight against anything.  Mother Theresa was asked once “will you join us in our march against oppression?”  She said, “No, I will not fight against anything.  But I am willing to join you if you walk for freedom.”  This spiritual nature is the perfection we strive for, but very few get close.

Just remember when someone is trying to separate themselves or their group, that their disease is winning that day.  Maybe say a little prayer for them.