Dear Dawn,

I have been out of recovery for awhile now, I am back in and I have been clean for 1 month today. I really don’t think about using, it’s the living on life’s terms that gets me. I go to church and I love it.  But I need meetings also and my family doesn’t think they help, they believe I just go there to find other addicts and get high. Which I have in the past. I am 46 years old I have been trying to stay clean all my life but I end up relapsing and in and out of I don’t know how many treatment centers. Can you give me some advice on what I need to do?

Thanks,

Signed Not Sure What to do

Dear Not Sure what to Do,

I wish I had the magical words for you. I really wish I had the magical cure that could make everything better. The words that could keep you clean and restore your families trust in you. But I don’t.

What I can tell you is that the majority of the people that walk into recovery end up walking back out. Even though they are in pain, even though it’s obvious they need the 12 steps, even though they might die, they say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You see, this program is not for people that need it; it’s for people that want it. I can only hope that God gives you that special gift he gave me. It’s the gift of desperation.   

The old timers would tell their stories in an effort to raise the bottom. They hoped if you can identify with what they had been through prior to their bottom that you might not have to ride all the way down. Go to lots of meetings until you find someone who you can identify with, then ask them for help. Do exactly as they tell you, especially if you don’t want to.

I am going to wish you what they wished me when I came in. When I first heard it I thought it was cruel, but now I understand. My dear I wish you a long slow recovery. Don’t get well too soon, stay green and desperate.

Love,

Dawn

Last post, I talked about the factors that lead to a broken GPS, an attraction to the wrong men. I stated that there were four main causes of a broken GPS or broken picker. I call these blocks to love. The four blocks are:

•                       Unresolved pain
•                       A belief in a lack of love
•                       Negative programming
•                       Not defining what you want

 Then, I explained how unresolved pain contributed to this painful condition. Now, I would like to explain how a belief in a lack of love can develop into a broken GPS.

A belief in the lack of love is a belief that love is in finite supply. It’s a belief that love is somehow limited. For example, Amber tried to tell me the reason she hasn’t been able to find love is because she is different. She has personality quarks that make it hard for her to find someone. When I asked her about these unique traits, she named a few things such as she shyness, reading a lot and is a picky eater. It became apparent as she fished for excuses, that Amber’s real problem was she didn’t believe there was anyone out there that would love her. Amber believed that there was not one person in the 6.8 billion on this planet that could possible love her.

Statistically, we all realize how silly that idea is, but so many of us still put restrictions on love. When we believe in unrequited love, we believe in a lack of love. We are telling ourselves, that particular person is the only one for us; that there can be no one else…ever. Like some heartbroken teenager, we tell ourselves over and over, “I’ll never find love again.”

A belief in a lack of love is a belief in a perception that stops you from finding love before you start. The perception says that love is finite. Maybe you loved once. Now we are sure we would never find love like that again. Which may be true, you may not find a love exactly like that. In fact, I know you wouldn’t, you will find a new and richer love. A love that is healthier and more mature. And, we all know that the sweetest fruit is the one we wait until it is matured to pick.

A belief in a lack of love is simply a lie we tell ourselves. It is part of our negative programming, but is one of the most common negative programs. Next time, we will look at how other negative programming can contributes to a broken picker.

Dear Dawn

When I was in my drinking days, I liked this girl and wanted to date her. We went out and everything went great and we decided to enter into a relationship with one another. We began drinking a lot together. We’d both blacked-out at times, etc. But to make a long story short after a year of dating she has broken up with me. However, she’s my biggest supporter and strength through my recovery. I feel as if it’s my fault and she blames me as well…During the relationship everything was good. But as soon as I got caught by the police and entered into sobriety court and going to IOP and such (getting sober) I filled with jealousy. I blamed her for cheating when I had no information to even back that up. I’d constantly feel as if she was cheating. I’d say things (manipulate) to dig out if she’s cheated or not. I’ve checked up on her…I have never done this in a relationship and I really don’t know what’s wrong with me….I really do love her and I miss her…yet I pushed her out the door. Any advice?

Dear Sweetheart,

Oh boy! Your behavior (although very painful looking back at it) is quite normal. Using drugs and alcohol “deadens” our emotions. Most of us will tell you we used so as not to feel. Therefore when we get into recovery, we begin to feel again. What we feel first are those old fears that caused us to use in the first place. The drugs and alcohol removed the fear. When we stop, the fear is there, but now it’s much bigger because we add in the guilt and shame from using.

That fear is what is causing your jealousy; the fear of losing what you have or not getting what you want. The fear that you are not good enough and she will either leave you for another, or worse play you for a fool by cheating. When you feel the fear, you react with jealousy. Your ego tells you that if you can catch her, it will somehow not hurt as much.

By staying in recovery, developing a spiritual program, and working on yourself. You can uncover the underlying beliefs that are causing the fears and heal them. By healing them, you can free yourself from their power over you. You may still feel jealous or afraid from time to time, but they won’t cause you to sabotage your relationship. Do the work on yourself, trust in God, be patient, and expect a miracle.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn:

I am so lost. I am an addict who has caused so much hurt, pain and destruction. I’m married to a beautiful woman who at one point I considered my best friend and soul-mate. As an addict I have never really gave recovery 100% and with every relapse I have simply ran from the problems I’ve caused. After losing my job in September ’09,’ I relapsed and ran to Cali leaving my son, wife and our home. Everything was going downhill and my wife and I were separated because of my addiction and our inability to get along. I wasted about six months running around and now I’m in Oklahoma because I couldn’t stay clean in Cali where all of my previous addiction history resides and I caused a situation with a good friend and lost great trust. Another friend who I know from Cali and also recovering addict suggested I come out here to Oklahoma to the sober living house he stays in and I’ve been trying to start over and give my recovery a 100 percent. I’m going to meetings every day, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. My wife and I are talking again and she wants me to come home especially because I left everything to fall on her. Her mother has cancer and going through chemotherapy. My wife has also very recently had two of her good friends lose their mothers to cancer within the last year, plus she is also sick with a lifelong disease of sickle cell anemia. As I’ve started trying to be more honest for the sake of ever having any real recovery, I’ve told my wife that I have cheated. When I was running from the mess I’ve caused I figured we were not going to be together anymore which is a feeling I’ve often had while we were together. I’m realizing that I am very sick in my head. I swore everything was her fault and she was way too needy for attention. I am starting to see my part in our past conflicts. I am afraid to go back to Minnesota because mainly I’m afraid of the fact that everyone else like her parents and mine are through with me. Her parents use to think I was the best thing that has ever happened to their daughter and now it is the opposite. We still have our home which no one is living in and it will be foreclosed on in what I was told a year. I don’t know what to do. She is scared but wants me back to be with her and to love her. I want to be back with her but I’m scared to be there and own up to the hurt and wreckage I’ve created which includes leaving their car in Cali. I know all trust in me is shot and I’m sure they have no desire for me to be around. I don’t know what to do. At one point I had become addicted to my wife’s medication which was the main reason for this second separation. I feel obligated to go back because she is my wife who I deserted and hurt. I know where ever I go, my recovery must go, at the same time, I’ve always felt I’ve had such a difficult time getting along with her and now I understand that some if not all of that was due to my disease, limited communication and life skills. What do I do?

Dear Lost,

            I understand your pain. You have quite a mess on your hands, but it sounds like you have learned (the hard way) that running away doesn’t work. So now what do you do? You will need to go home eventually. Your wife needs you, but she needs the adult you. It’s time to meet your obligations and deal with your wreckage.

            It is not going to be easy, but you need to start. One step at a time, one day at a time. Some people will not trust you, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will doubt your intentions, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will not like that you came back, but that doesn’t matter. You need to go back and do the right things, because that’s all that matters.

            When we first get clean it is very tempting to be rigorously honest. We want to lessen our own guilt by admitting our faults to the ones we hurt. You can’t do that. The step says “except when to do so would injure others.” When you tell your wife about your indiscretions you feel relieved because you take the burden from yourself and place it on her. That’s not fair, you need to admit your faults to someone it will not hurt.

            Go home and be the best person you can be. When she gets mad or upset, forgive her, just as you would like to be forgiven. Go to meetings, find a home group, start working and help her as much as you can. You have a lot of ground to make up, but you can do it. You have already made huge steps; you are admitting your faults and asking for help. With that type of willingness you can’t go wrong.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I was introduced to sex at a very early age of 8 years old from being sexually abused. Every since then I have been going from relationship to relationship having sex. I HATE being single. I fall for anything because not being with a guy drives me crazy. I came to a really strict school in 2008 so when we are in session I’m ok it’s still really hard but not as hard as when we are not because I don’t have anything keeping me from getting with a guy. What do I do to stop this pattern in my life and overcome this need to have someone and to have sex?

Dear Sweetheart,

You are not alone. Many women who have survived a trauma like yours end-up experiencing the same aftermath, the intense desire to be sexual. It is one of those strange ironic twists like drug addiction. In drug addiction we become hooked on a substance that ends up causing trouble and pain in our lives. But for some reason we go back to the drug to relieve us of the pain in our lives that is caused by us using the drug to relieve us of the pain in our lives.

In your case, you use sex and the sexual attraction to relieve the anxiety and pain in your life. That is why you feel crazy when you don’t have a guy in your life. So what’s the answer? The answer is to dig deep, uncover and heal the original pain. That is what steps four and five are about. We need to uncover and face the issues we have been trying to run from. Many women feel a sense of shame because of abuse, which robs them of their sense of value. By healing your past, you can begin the long process of building self-esteem.

The first step is stopping. Continuing to act out on your impulses only deepens the pain. Find a support group of women who you trust to love and support you. Find a friend who you can call when you feel like calling a man, and find a sponsor who can work you through your past. You deserve love and happiness in your life. By dealing with the damage in your past, you will create a pathway to the life you desire. Good luck and God Speed.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been in recovery for almost three years now. Before, I always had to be in a relationship. It was a form of medicating for me. When I got sober and became aware of my co-dependent tendencies and started making real friends and my need for a relationship with a woman was gone. I still have times where I would really like to be in a relationship, but all the girls that I have met along my journey may have been relationship material, but I have a fear of being unhappy in it. I’ve been told that when it’s time for me to be in a relationship it will happen on its own. I guess I’m asking what I can do to rid myself of this fear, and be able to connect with my heart and mind towards love. Thanks, To love, or Not To Love.

Dear To Love, or Not To Love,

What a great question! So many people have fears and are afraid to admit it. But you are willing to look at what is going on and make some changes. Bravo! You are well on your way to your heart’s desires.

You asked what you could do to help rid yourself of your fear. The key to doing that is discovering the origin of the fear. For a long time, I had a fear of love. My belief that I was not worthy would cause me to sabotage my relationships, either pushing people away or clinging on too hard.

What I discovered through the process of daily mediation and journaling, is that I had an underlying belief that I was not lovable. Once, I discovered where the belief came from I was able to heal it through compassion, understand, and forgiveness. Mediation coupled with journaling is the key.  During the process, ask yourself what is causing this fear. The answer will come. Try it for 30 days. Then write me back and tell me what you discovered.

Love,

Dawn

Would you like instant gratification? You are probably thinking, “Of course ,Dawn who wouldn’t?” Well, here is your chance. Starting April 23, 2010, Holistic Lifestyles Radio will be producing a new week long line-up of recovery based call-in shows, including a live version of Love In The Rooms. This is not meant to replace your letters (please keep them coming). But, if you can’t wait, and want instant feedback now you have an opportunity.

The show is every Friday from 10pm to 11pm est. It’s an interactive show about relationships and recovery. Simply call 1-888-565-1470 to be a part of it. In The Rooms makes listening easy, just click on the Holistic Lifestyles Radio listen live button at 10 pm each night for the greatest hour of recovery on radio. You can also listen live in South Florida by tuning into WWNN 1470 AM.

This show is part of a new and exciting line up every week night at 10pm est. Monday’s will feature Ken Seeley of Intervention911 and Thursday night will be Terry Gorski with relapse prevention. Wondering who will be on the other two nights…we have some big surprises in store so you have to tune in.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am 23 years old and it only took 7 years of using for my disease to bring me to my knees. However, I have been in recovery now for a little over a year. This is my first time of abstinence and my first time in a program. I have been in a relationship with the man I love for 4 years. He recently asked me to marry him! So of course I said yes but here is my problem. In active addiction, I was a dancer and did many horrible things. My fourth step is full of shame and guilt. I have just finished my fifth step but sex still is a very uncomfortable area for me. I went from being a highly sexual person to withdrawing from anything sexual. I feel like sex is wrong. I know over time I can work through this but not exactly how to work through my shame and guilt while being in a relationship. This is just not fair to him. I want to be able to have sex and feel good about it. Help! A guilt-filled addict.

Dear Guilt-filled Addict,

Oh sweet child, I want to thank you so much for writing.  Many women struggle with this issue in silence.  The fear and shame keep many from asking questions, so thank you for being so brave!

Almost every woman I have met in recovery has a past that includes sexual shame and guilt.  I am so happy that you said you were working the steps.  What the steps will do is allow you to come to terms with this.  As you continue to work the steps, you will eventually release all that old pain and the guilt and shame will slip away. 

This phenomenon is very much like the movement of a pendulum.  In our addict we are at one end of the spectrum, with extreme sexual behavior.  When we get into recovery, all of a sudden we withdraw as you stated, sometimes to the point of complete abstinence.  We go from one end of the spectrum to the other end.  You may even find yourself going back and forth a bit, until you finally settle down to a place where you feel comfortable with yourself, your past and your sexuality.  So, how do you deal with your fiancé in the meantime?  Talk to him (without any gory details) and explain you need this time.  If he truly loves you he will understand and give you time.  If he doesn’t want to give you time, than it indicates he is probably too young or to selfish to be a husband right now.

Just do me two favors: don’t get married until you finish all your steps, and don’t run off confessing anything until you have talked with your sponsor.  You have a long and wonderful life ahead of you.  I can assure you that you have many talents and qualities that are untapped right now.  I commend you are taking the beginning steps to a life beyond your wildest dreams.  Well done little one!

Love,

Dawn