Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been out of recovery for awhile now, I am back in and I have been clean for 1 month today. I really don’t think about using, it’s the living on life’s terms that gets me. I go to church and I love it.  But I need meetings also and my family doesn’t think they help, they believe I just go there to find other addicts and get high. Which I have in the past. I am 46 years old I have been trying to stay clean all my life but I end up relapsing and in and out of I don’t know how many treatment centers. Can you give me some advice on what I need to do?

Thanks,

Signed Not Sure What to do

Dear Not Sure what to Do,

I wish I had the magical words for you. I really wish I had the magical cure that could make everything better. The words that could keep you clean and restore your families trust in you. But I don’t.

What I can tell you is that the majority of the people that walk into recovery end up walking back out. Even though they are in pain, even though it’s obvious they need the 12 steps, even though they might die, they say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You see, this program is not for people that need it; it’s for people that want it. I can only hope that God gives you that special gift he gave me. It’s the gift of desperation.   

The old timers would tell their stories in an effort to raise the bottom. They hoped if you can identify with what they had been through prior to their bottom that you might not have to ride all the way down. Go to lots of meetings until you find someone who you can identify with, then ask them for help. Do exactly as they tell you, especially if you don’t want to.

I am going to wish you what they wished me when I came in. When I first heard it I thought it was cruel, but now I understand. My dear I wish you a long slow recovery. Don’t get well too soon, stay green and desperate.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m a drunk, father and married to great women. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 18Yrs old I am now 48. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety and have been unemployed for the past 6 months because of layoffs after working at the same job for over 20 years. I come from a dysfunctional family, Dad was a drunk and has passed last year, and mother has been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 6years of age. I remember on time when she burnt my hands with matches for playing around with her cigarettes when I was 7 or 8 years old. She also loved to beat me with anything she could get her hands on when I was growing up. I was woken up once at night when I was 8Yrs old by my mother who was trying to stop my dad from raping her. My sister was born because of that rape and was later kicked out of the house at the age of 15 years old by my mother for having sex with her boy friend. The list goes on and on and I’ve tried to go to consoling and therapy, but nothing helps. I have nightmares that I’m back living with my mother. I started drinking again in July 2010 and just recently stopped in Sept. 2010 but the mental pain of depression and anxiety get the best of me every day, I take Cymbalta and xanax and that seems to help, but I do not want to get hooked again on drugs. I have no friends, not interested in sports like every other guy is and I always feel that I am less of a person and that everybody is better than me. I have very low esteem about myself. The only thing I’m good with is fixing computers, and I apply daily for jobs and call job recruiters daily. My wife avoids me because I’m always depressed and so do my kids. I really have no one I trust to talk too and when I go to AA meetings they depress me more and there is always someone that feels they have to tell me what to do and try to control my life. No one controls my life but god and my actions, but my prays are not being answered so I’m lost and want to kill myself. But I’m too chicken to get the job done. Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Sweetheart,

This is the toughest letter I have received. I am afraid not to respond, yet not sure of what to say. I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand how you feel. I have been in similar places myself, but each place is unique.

I can however provide you with some advice. I know something that can lessen your burden instantly and help you to feel better about your life and yourself. The question is if I told you what this key is would you actually pick it up? If I explained what to do, would you dismiss it or us it? I can only hope you give my suggestion a try.

There is one thing that works when all else fails. In fact this is the thing the Bill Wilson learned that started 12 step programs. Wonder what it is? Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. It can be a simply as giving someone a ride or talking to a homeless man. You can make some sandwiches and drive them down and feed people in need, or volunteer a habit for humanity.

Once I was driving down the road when it started to rain. An older woman was walking and getting wet, so I stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to risk getting it. It turned out she was trying to go to the grocery store. I was able to take her shopping and drive her back home with her groceries. Her gratitude and happiness instantly lifted the burden I had been carrying. Also, it turned out that she lived on my street, just a few buildings down. She continued to make me feel good because when I would see her she would wave and ask me in for tea.

I have to admit, I only gave her a ride because my sponsor had suggested that I help another person. And, I hate to admit it, but just like many things that are good for me, the minute I felt better I stopped doing the activity that made me feel better. Therefore, I have not continued to put myself out there as much as I would like. But I can tell you, I think if more people would just take a few moments to be kind to someone else, anti-depressant sales would plummet.

In addition to helping someone else, I would suggest asking for help for yourself. Get back to meetings and ask for help. Find a sponsor or mentor, someone whose life you admire and ask them how they did it. Then follow their directions. What you are feeling right now is temporary. There is a wonderful and amazing life beyond your wildest dreams out there waiting for you, if you dare work for it. I wish you only happiness.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am most definitely an addict. I used for at least 20 years. When I decided to quit I made the mistake of thinking I could drink. This is something I’m sure many of us have told ourselves. Where I live the closest N.A. meeting is 50 miles away, but there are A.A. meetings every day. I have been going to the AA meetings and get quite a bit out of them. My problem is I feel if I tell my whole story nobody would really understand being that a huge part of my life I was addicted to drugs. Should I just give up going to AA and try my best to go to NA meetings when I can or continue and hope maybe I’ll find someone there who is an alcoholic addict like me?

Dear Sweetheart,

I realize what I am about to say may be criticized by some people but the truth is once you get past the first step all the steps are basically the same. You can take the first step and put in alcohol, or drugs, or food, or even relationships. The point of the steps is to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. If an AA meeting that you can get to is much preferable to an NA meeting you can’t. By the way, most people in an AA meeting short of a few really old timers have used drugs. The 60’s (sex, drugs and rock and roll) was 50 years ago. Just be respectful when you tell your story in a meeting. Leave the drug details for your sponsor. You are not alone. Welcome.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I was wondering how many sponsees you can take on without being too much??

Signed Wondering

Dear Wondering,

 This is an interesting question. I am afraid my answer might be frustrating to you but here it is…it depends. A lot of factors come into play with this question. For example, I can easily see a retired guy with over 30 years having a bunch of sponsees with lots of time. On the other hand, I can also see a young mother with two kids that works full-time having difficulties handling one new comer.

            The rule of thumb is that the newer the sponsee the more time they need. Then we need to look at the sponsor and what’s going on in their life. When I was going through my divorce I had several sponsee’s under 6 months. I was taught that when I am going through a tough time that I need to get out of myself and help someone else.

            The important thing is how many is right for you? You need to be fair to yourself and check your motives. Some people like lots of sponsees for the accolades and some don’t want any sponsees because they are selfish with their time. But, there is a lot of room in the middle.  The most rewarding thing you can ever do in your life is help someone in utter despair become happily, whole and free of addiction.

 Love,

Dawn