Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

8805 Southwest 132nd Street
Miami, FL 33176
(305) 251-9642

Dear Dawn,

 After several years of lot of arguing, I decided to break the chain of being his whipping post, so to speak. But, I do find myself hurting inside. How can I stop from hurting so much within my own skin?

 My Dear Sweet Child,

First I want to commend you on making this big step. Making a change, even a healthy one can be very difficult. I am so happy that you taking care of yourself.

The reason why change is so difficult is that it can cause pain. Any loss must be grieved. That’s the bad news. The good news is that this feeling is temporary. It hurts, but once you get through it you will find a much greater happiness and peace of mind. Unfortunately the only way to the other side it to go through it.

There are things you can do to make the process easier. First, be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend who was going through a loss. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or pedicure. Take hot baths, drink tea and read a good book. Let yourself cry and realize that this will pass. And, don’t forget to reach out to your friends, often during these times we like to isolate.

One of the best ways to ward off feeling of being lonely or depressed is to help someone else. Give rides if you have a car, lend an ear to someone, anything to get you out of your own head. When you focus on someone else, it takes your mind of your own pain for a little while.

I am so happy that you have taken this step for yourself. There is a saying that would give me comfort during trying times in my life. The saying goes, “If you want to discover new lands, you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.” In other words, growth takes risk. If you want to find a world beyond your wildest dreams, you must be willing to break away from your uncomfortable comfort zone. You have done that, just keep going, you are almost there.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

I received an email last week from a woman who wanted advice on dating. She explained she had made bad choices in the past. In fact, her ex-husband is currently in jail. She went on to tell me that she has comes to term with her past and is ready to move forward. But she is worried about dating again. She is afraid she will get back into her old pattern of settling for less then she deserves.

            By simply writing the email, she is well on her way to a better life. Realizing the mistakes you have made in the past, helps you to not repeating them. She will think twice before accepting unacceptable behavior. She will also more likely stop when she finds herself trying to fix or take care of a man.

            She concluded her letter with asking for advice on dating. My advice on dating is threefold. First, you need to heal you past so you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. Something she is already doing. Second, it’s important to love yourself. No one will treat you better than you treat yourself. So learn how to treat yourself well, by pampering yourself. Get a new hair cut or massage, do things that make you feel good. It’s also important to bolster your self-esteem by doing esteem-able things such as helping another person, or being kind and patient.

            Finally, before you ever think about a date, decide what you want for your life. It’s important to think about what you want in your future, where do you want to live, what do you want to do? Once you decide what you want in your life, then you need to decide the characteristics of the person you would like to be with. Remember, you want to find someone who will fit into your life. As women, we usually worry how we will fit in somebody else’s life. Once you know what you want in your life, than you will be able to spot him when he shows up. With a clear picture of what you want, you are less likely to settle for less than you deserve.

I would love for everyone to join me on a very exciting Valentine’s  weekend workshop.  Valentine’s Day is a romantic reminder of love, but it can also be a painful reminder of lack for people who are not in a relationship or are in the wrong relationship.

If you think you might be attracted to the wrong men, you don’t want to miss this free workshop. In the workshop will address:

• How to develop a health GPS (Guy Picking System).
• How to remove the blocks that are preventing you from finding the love.
• Provide you with concrete steps to figure out and find your true heart’s desire.

The workshop will be held:

Saturday February 12

10:00 am to 12:00pm

At:

Your Big Picture Café

 4900 S. University Dr

Davie, Fl 33314

If you have any questions please email me at dawnmaslar@yahoo.com. Hope to see you there.

Hi Dawn,

I’m in recovery 7 years next month. I have been in this unhealthy relationship for almost 2 years.  In the beginning he had good reasons to leave, but in the last few times he left he left me for no good reason.  I’m co dependent, and I’m deeply in love with him. I never want him to leave, so after 30 days of him being gone he calls tells me says he’s not going to leave me again.  He sounds so sincere, and I want to believe him, so I take him back, then he leaves again and I’m left hurting over and over. I feel like the monuments of pleasure are worth the pain, that’s so sick, every time I take him back I’m telling him it’s ok to treat me like this, it’s such a vicious cycle, HELP.

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you for having the courage to write me. I know this painful cycle because I have been in it. You spend days yearning for him, looking at your phone hoping he calls. You obsessively replay every moment you have with him, wondering what you can do differently. I bet you talk to anyone that will still listen about this relationship. You feel caught in a painful vicious cycle and want help.

You are not alone. Many beautiful, talented, and intelligent women get caught in this. You are right it is a vicious cycle, but there is help. I wrote an entire book on this (From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System)). In it I explain how to stop the madness, heal and finding the love you truly desire. I can’t explian everything here, but if you write me back and send me your address I will send you a copy free of charge. It is my gift to you. I was given a gift; I was shown the way out. I would love to now share that gift with you.

Also take a look at my television interview …Dawn Maslar TV Interview

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I have a question for you I am 43 soon to be 44, I have almost 3 years in recovery and I have been single all my life and want to find someone who I can spend time with where I   live. I have gone to meetings but didn’t get a lot out of them so I stopped going and that was my downfall but I have been alone for quite some time and I hate it I want to meet someone but I don’t know how to go about it and when I did go to meetings nobody talked to me I felt like an outsider and that’s why I quit going I don’t want to drink I just want to find someone that I can relate with and see where it goes can you give me advice on what I should do because I want to bettermyself and meet new people I just don’t know where to start I am a member of in the rooms and I have been in the chat rooms but is there other places here where I can meet someone.. Thank you

Signed,

Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you for writing to me. Your problem is not unique; our disease is the disease of loneliness. In fact, it tries to separates us from other people so we are more vulnerable. I know it’s tempting to think, “If I had a relationship it would be better.” But you are looking for a relationship to make you better. No one can do that for you.

However, if you work on yourself, that means going to meetings and developing friends and a fellowship, you will get better. Once your life becomes full and you start feeling better about yourself, you will naturally attract people into your life. But I am afraid you’re going to need to get out of your house. On line chat rooms are nice, but they are no substitute for human contact. Go back to meetings and introduce yourself. Raise your hand and tell them you are struggling and would like phone numbers…of women. Then start using them. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but there really is no short-cut to happiness. All of us have been looking for that most of our lives and it lead straight back here…in the rooms. Your sunshine is waiting,

Love,

Dawn

Have you ever gotten up in the morning, full of enthusiasm for the new day, ready to start a new task, but before you have finished your shower, your mind has shot holes in your new idea? Maybe you thought about going back to school. You would love to pursue a new career which requires more education, but as you think about it, a dark cloud of doubt descends. Your mind throws up objections such as “it will take to much time” and “it will cost too much”. Before you know it you have killed your newly hacking idea before it has time to germinate. Has this ever happened to you?Now this is positive affirmations!

            Most of us have had this type of experience. This is a form of negative programming. Negative programming is that little voice inside your head that trips you up. It’s the voice that stops you from pursuing your dreams, leaving a bad relationship, or trying new things. It’s that voice that says “you can’t” or “you’re not good enough.” It’s that voice that says you are too old, too young, too fat, too thin, not smart enough, or not pretty enough.

            Negative program is like an insidious crack, growing and eroding our foundation. The longer we try to ignore it the larger it grows. If you ever suffering from heartache? You have some negative programming. That’s the bad news. The good news is that negative programming is easily treatable with daily doses of positive affirmations.

            Positive affirmations are those voices that tell you, “Yes you can.” If you are like me, those voices do not naturally live inside your head. What I needed to do was reprogram my brain. How I reprogrammed was to develop new voices that I wanted to hear. For example, “I am worthy of ____ (fill in the blank). I was struggling with relationships, so my earliest positive affirmation was, “I am worthy of love.” Later, when I struggled with the idea of writing a book, I said, “I can write a book,” and “my struggles can help other people.” I would write these affirmations down and post the strips of paper in strategic locations.

            I placed the one that said I was worthy of love over my bathroom mirror. I placed it there because I wanted to look at myself when I said it. I call this the mirror test. When you have difficulty saying an affirmation to yourself, or tell yourself this is stupid, than that’s the affirmation you need the most. At the time, I was embarrassed to affirm  myself.

            As time went on, I became more and more comfortable with the idea that I am worthy of love. So comfortable that when I started dating Ed and he asked to use my restroom, I completely forgot about the affirmation hanging above my bathroom mirror. He came out of my bathroom and said, “so you are worthy of love huh?” I just smiled proudly and said, “Yes…yes I am.” That was almost four years ago, he has been loving me ever since, So I guess he agreed.

Dear Dawn,

I’m a drunk, father and married to great women. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 18Yrs old I am now 48. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety and have been unemployed for the past 6 months because of layoffs after working at the same job for over 20 years. I come from a dysfunctional family, Dad was a drunk and has passed last year, and mother has been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 6years of age. I remember on time when she burnt my hands with matches for playing around with her cigarettes when I was 7 or 8 years old. She also loved to beat me with anything she could get her hands on when I was growing up. I was woken up once at night when I was 8Yrs old by my mother who was trying to stop my dad from raping her. My sister was born because of that rape and was later kicked out of the house at the age of 15 years old by my mother for having sex with her boy friend. The list goes on and on and I’ve tried to go to consoling and therapy, but nothing helps. I have nightmares that I’m back living with my mother. I started drinking again in July 2010 and just recently stopped in Sept. 2010 but the mental pain of depression and anxiety get the best of me every day, I take Cymbalta and xanax and that seems to help, but I do not want to get hooked again on drugs. I have no friends, not interested in sports like every other guy is and I always feel that I am less of a person and that everybody is better than me. I have very low esteem about myself. The only thing I’m good with is fixing computers, and I apply daily for jobs and call job recruiters daily. My wife avoids me because I’m always depressed and so do my kids. I really have no one I trust to talk too and when I go to AA meetings they depress me more and there is always someone that feels they have to tell me what to do and try to control my life. No one controls my life but god and my actions, but my prays are not being answered so I’m lost and want to kill myself. But I’m too chicken to get the job done. Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Sweetheart,

This is the toughest letter I have received. I am afraid not to respond, yet not sure of what to say. I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand how you feel. I have been in similar places myself, but each place is unique.

I can however provide you with some advice. I know something that can lessen your burden instantly and help you to feel better about your life and yourself. The question is if I told you what this key is would you actually pick it up? If I explained what to do, would you dismiss it or us it? I can only hope you give my suggestion a try.

There is one thing that works when all else fails. In fact this is the thing the Bill Wilson learned that started 12 step programs. Wonder what it is? Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. It can be a simply as giving someone a ride or talking to a homeless man. You can make some sandwiches and drive them down and feed people in need, or volunteer a habit for humanity.

Once I was driving down the road when it started to rain. An older woman was walking and getting wet, so I stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to risk getting it. It turned out she was trying to go to the grocery store. I was able to take her shopping and drive her back home with her groceries. Her gratitude and happiness instantly lifted the burden I had been carrying. Also, it turned out that she lived on my street, just a few buildings down. She continued to make me feel good because when I would see her she would wave and ask me in for tea.

I have to admit, I only gave her a ride because my sponsor had suggested that I help another person. And, I hate to admit it, but just like many things that are good for me, the minute I felt better I stopped doing the activity that made me feel better. Therefore, I have not continued to put myself out there as much as I would like. But I can tell you, I think if more people would just take a few moments to be kind to someone else, anti-depressant sales would plummet.

In addition to helping someone else, I would suggest asking for help for yourself. Get back to meetings and ask for help. Find a sponsor or mentor, someone whose life you admire and ask them how they did it. Then follow their directions. What you are feeling right now is temporary. There is a wonderful and amazing life beyond your wildest dreams out there waiting for you, if you dare work for it. I wish you only happiness.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn