One of this summer’s a new movies is titled Friends With Benefits. The premise behind the romantic comedy is that two emotionally damaged people decide to have a sex only relationship. The idea is that they will have a strictly physical relationship and avoid any emotional entanglement. One of those ideas that sounds better on paper than practice.

The problem with a sex only relationship is that is starts out physically but ends emotionally. The issue is our biology. Both sexes complicate sex only relationships, but a woman is more prone to becoming emotional, particularly is the sex is good. It’s rather ironic; if you have good sex, expect emotion. However, if you have bad sex, you are less at risk and can keep going. But than again what would be the point?

When a woman has an orgasm, her body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone released during the contraction of the uterus, such as an orgasm, or as in childbirth. One of the effects this hormone has is bonding, a very important reaction after just giving birth. Not a very good side effect if you are trying to have meaningless sex. Therefore, once an organism occurs, emotions follow.

One of the definitions of benefit is something that promotes well-being.  So, if you find yourself tempted about having meaningless sex with someone, ask yourself this question. Will this really be a benefit? Will this really promote genuine well-being?

Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

I have been writing about relationship for several years now and have come to the understanding that all relationships stem from your relationship with God, or the Universe, or your higher power (or what ever you wish to call it). In other words, it’s your relationship with the world that dictates your personal relationships. If you live is faith, your relationship reflect faith, if you live in fear, your relationships reflect fear.

Ask yourself, if your relationships are based on fear or faith? If it’s fear you tend to try to change people so you can be happy. That is a silly task since its almost impossible to change another person. The fact that we want to change them usually results in their resistance.  And, to top it off we seldom are good judges at what’s going to make us happy. So if somehow we finally get to them to change, we quickly realize that wasn’t the problem, and look for something else that needs to change to make us happy.

By deepening our spirituality our relationships magically improve. Relationships that no longer serve us simply slip away, making room for new and better ones, which help us to strengthen our trust and faith. Marianne Williamson, bestselling spiritual teacher says in her book A Return to Love, “A relationship that is used by the Holy Spirit becomes a place where our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into out conscious awareness. Then we can see our dysfunctions clearly, and when we’re ready, ask God to show us another way.”

The “another way” is by even more spiritual growth. Every relationship is a relationship with our self. When we look for someone or something outside ourselves to make us happy, it selfdom works for very long. But when we look inside and deepen our relationship with God, we find a true happiness that is then reflected in our relationships.

Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

8805 Southwest 132nd Street
Miami, FL 33176
(305) 251-9642

Dear Dawn,

I have been clean for years but my daughter still treats me terrible and I take it because i want her and especially my 3 grand children in my life. She has them like they are the adult and I’m the child. The oldest is 11 and reports to my daughter on everything I do when I’m with them, especially if I say but no. Recently, the kids told her I was mean to them and now my daughter after 11 yrs of me bringing the kids presents every week to play with them and do everything they or my daughter want no matter what it does to my life, now my grandchild tells me they don’t want to see me because I was mean the last time I baby sat. I am not mean to any child but these kids love the attention they get from their mother when anyone makes them upset.  I am gonna go crazy, I am pleading with a child to not cut me out of their life and she saids when were ready we will call you.  This is heartbreaking!  I can’t take the constant rejection and now from my babies who I have treated wonderful probably too good.

Signed,

Grandma

Dear Grandma,

You sound like a sweet and loving grandmother. And, I can hear your pain in this letter. I know you want to run out and fix this, but I am afraid you are powerless over this situation. Your daughter is right. You are just going to have to wait for them to call you when they are ready.

I know this is heartbreaking and frustrating, but it sounds like your granddaughter is at that age. She is testing her boundaries and trying to figure how much power she has. She is getting to the age she doesn’t feel she needs a baby sitter anymore. I am sure you can remember when your daughter was that age. They would say things they didn’t mean, like “I hate you” or “I wish I was never born.” As the adult we understand it’s just a phase and it will pass. But the in between time is tough.

This is the time where you need to lean on you friends. Find other people to fill the void. Take a class or join a coffee clutch. Go to more meetings and go to the meeting after the meeting. You relationship is changing because your granddaughter is growing up. Instead of being upset for your loss, try to find the good in her growth. She will always love you. Watch her fly.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 After several years of lot of arguing, I decided to break the chain of being his whipping post, so to speak. But, I do find myself hurting inside. How can I stop from hurting so much within my own skin?

 My Dear Sweet Child,

First I want to commend you on making this big step. Making a change, even a healthy one can be very difficult. I am so happy that you taking care of yourself.

The reason why change is so difficult is that it can cause pain. Any loss must be grieved. That’s the bad news. The good news is that this feeling is temporary. It hurts, but once you get through it you will find a much greater happiness and peace of mind. Unfortunately the only way to the other side it to go through it.

There are things you can do to make the process easier. First, be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend who was going through a loss. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or pedicure. Take hot baths, drink tea and read a good book. Let yourself cry and realize that this will pass. And, don’t forget to reach out to your friends, often during these times we like to isolate.

One of the best ways to ward off feeling of being lonely or depressed is to help someone else. Give rides if you have a car, lend an ear to someone, anything to get you out of your own head. When you focus on someone else, it takes your mind of your own pain for a little while.

I am so happy that you have taken this step for yourself. There is a saying that would give me comfort during trying times in my life. The saying goes, “If you want to discover new lands, you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.” In other words, growth takes risk. If you want to find a world beyond your wildest dreams, you must be willing to break away from your uncomfortable comfort zone. You have done that, just keep going, you are almost there.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

I received an email last week from a woman who wanted advice on dating. She explained she had made bad choices in the past. In fact, her ex-husband is currently in jail. She went on to tell me that she has comes to term with her past and is ready to move forward. But she is worried about dating again. She is afraid she will get back into her old pattern of settling for less then she deserves.

            By simply writing the email, she is well on her way to a better life. Realizing the mistakes you have made in the past, helps you to not repeating them. She will think twice before accepting unacceptable behavior. She will also more likely stop when she finds herself trying to fix or take care of a man.

            She concluded her letter with asking for advice on dating. My advice on dating is threefold. First, you need to heal you past so you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. Something she is already doing. Second, it’s important to love yourself. No one will treat you better than you treat yourself. So learn how to treat yourself well, by pampering yourself. Get a new hair cut or massage, do things that make you feel good. It’s also important to bolster your self-esteem by doing esteem-able things such as helping another person, or being kind and patient.

            Finally, before you ever think about a date, decide what you want for your life. It’s important to think about what you want in your future, where do you want to live, what do you want to do? Once you decide what you want in your life, then you need to decide the characteristics of the person you would like to be with. Remember, you want to find someone who will fit into your life. As women, we usually worry how we will fit in somebody else’s life. Once you know what you want in your life, than you will be able to spot him when he shows up. With a clear picture of what you want, you are less likely to settle for less than you deserve.

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Nearly 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years due to his problems with alcohol and drugs. About 3 weeks after the break up I was asked out by a friend, who I had known for a few years and liked a lot, but that lasted only 4 months (he also has alcohol and gambling problems). Now I’m on my own again and really trying to put the pieces back together, but I’m finding it really hard to let my long-term boyfriend go. I know he is an alcoholic and drug user but I find myself thinking about the good things we did share and I feel really sad that it has to be this way. I know that I have done the right thing for my own sanity but it’s hard to move on. Although I’m not with this man anymore do you think Alanon would help me???

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know you are hurting, but this is normal and needed. You are grieving. By going out with the other guy you were hoping to avoid the grieving process by jumping into another relationship. This doesn’t work and the relationship usually dissolved in a few short months, as you discovered.

So now that your “savior” relationship is over, you find yourself thinking about your ex. Sometimes we go back to the relationship because we think this must be love, but it’s just your mind wanting closure. Alanon can help, but only if you focus on yourself and not him.

I would like you to try this exercise. Instead of thinking about him and what you both had, I want you to think about you and what you want. I want you to write down how you want your life to be in the future without putting a specific man in it. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do, do you want kids, a garden, or pets? Write down everything.

Once you figure out what you want in your life, now write down the characteristics of the relationship that you want to fit into that life. Create a sheet with four columns. In the first write down your “must haves,” in the second write down your “would likes,” and in the third write down your “negotiable” those are the characteristics that are not that important to you. In the final column write down the “deal breakers,” the deal breakers are those things that if he has you don’t want a relationship with him, such as an active alcoholic.

Once you have it all down on paper, that a look. Does your ex fit with what you really want in your life? I would guess not since you broke up because of his addictions. Now the next time you find yourself pining over your ex, pull out the list. Remind yourself, you deserve better in your life. Then, go take a hot bath, call a friend or read an inspirational book (such as From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire). Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry and grieve the lost of the relationship. But at the same time reaffirm that you deserve better. In fact, your desire for better is God given. There is something better out there waiting for you to be ready to accept it.

Love,

Dawn