I believe that in every relationship we come together to help each other. Some people come into our lives to help us learn lessons, some people help us to grow spiritually, and some people simple love and support us. But intimate relationships are all about healing. When we attract a painful relationship, that is a sure sign that we have old wounds that need to be addressed. But even after we address those surface wounds, deeper down we will find more.
We all dream of the “happily ever after” relationship, the relationship that once we enter it will be wonderfully happy without having to do anything. The thought is once we find the perfect person, they will always love us no matter what and we don’t have to look at ourselves ever again.
Unfortunately (and I had to learn this the hard way) that’s not how life works. We are constantly growing and changing and we naturally attract partners to help us grow…usually by pushing our buttons. Yeah, that’s right! Our perfect partner is actually the person that upsets us the most. Because they are so close, they can see our wounds and they seem to like to poke at them and ask us “does that hurt?” Sometimes we respond back by poking at theirs, producing a painful power struggle.
This pain is spurring us forward on our spiritual path. I once heard a speaker explain that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. Without pain we tend to rest, we stop growing. In biology we call this equilibrium. We only achieve perfect equilibrium when we die. So in our quest to live we will naturally gravitate to situations that will helps us grow. It’s basic biology.
In the past, many of us responded to this push for growth by either running, either physically or through substances, hiding by isolating, or fighting against it. After a while our responses started causing us more pain than just simply growing.
The point is that each relationship is here for a lesson. We attract people to help us grow. When we realize that every relationship is for our benefit, to support our spiritual development, then and only then do we find our “happily ever after.”

Love,
Dawn

Last month, I met an amazing man in California, Dr. Bruce Lipton the author of The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter, and Miracles. I mentioned that I taught biology and he quickly asked, “Oh great, have you read my book?” I was a little embarrassed, but I had to admit that I had not. To my surprise and delight, he said, “You must give me your address and let me send you a copy.”
I just love his book. If you can put biological evidence to spiritual concepts I am enthralled. He so eloquently addressed a concept that I have been talking about for years, the concept that you can either respond with love or with fear, but you can’t have both at the same time. If you are in a relationship because you fear being alone, that’s not love. If you are in a relationship (and that’s any relationship) based on love, it should be free of fear and manipulation.
Dr. Lipton was a cell biologist. Part of his job was growing cells in a petri dish. He noticed that when he placed cells in a nurturing environment, an environment with adequate food, water, and care the cells grew well. But, if he placed cells in a toxic environment, they withdrew. Instead of growing across the bottom of the petri dish, the cells actually migrated in the opposite direction. He observed that cells would move towards a healthy loving environment and move away from an unhealthy unloving environment. These movements are complete opposites, therefore the cell most pick a direction.
Since we are just a bunch of cells, we respond the same way. We can choose to move forward with love or withdrawal and protect ourselves. We cannot be completely open for love if we are still protecting ourselves. It’s biologically impossible. In order words, to truly find love, you must risk being vulnerable and emotionally available.
Dr. Lipton did a fabulous job on illustrating this concept. If you are interested in learning more please visit his website at www.brucelipton.com.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn, I know you are a biologist and therefore believe in nature and the oxytocin connection rather than nurture. I believe in both. Either way, my question is really is there a possibility of friendship after a sexual relationship or not and how do gender differences figure in that equation? Thanks! Nancy

Hi Nancy,

What a great question! And, yes as a biologist I am very attuned to the oxytocin connection. When a female has sex and achieves orgasm (which of course we all hope to do) she will release oxytocin. This is a hormone that produces bonding. She will typically have warm regards for the person who gave her the orgasm.

Now your question is can you be friends afterwards? Yes, of course. But the big factor here is time. The oxytocin will eventually wear off. You might have noticed this if you ever meet an old flame after a couple of years. Sometimes you can walk away from a reunion wondering what you ever saw in them. Your oxytocin has definitely worn off.

Like yourself, I believe in both nature and nurture. So the real answer to your question is what is happening in the relationship? For example, if you maintain the relationship because he is the father of your children and it has turned into a friendship, I think that’s fabulous. However, if the relationship is preventing you from moving on and finding a healthy relationship, than you are better off without it.

Only you can decide if a relationship is for your highest good. One way to help you figure this out; is to sit down in your meditation as ask yourself the question…is this relationship love-based or fear-based. A fear-based relationship is one where you are afraid to be alone. A love-based relationship is one where you want the highest spiritual good for both people. If you determine that it is a love-based relationship, then congratulations! You have a healthy wonderful friendship!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi, I’ve been on recovery for over 6 months. I’m really proud of myself and feel fantastic. I see and know many couples, and I wish I had someone to share my life with. However, when I really give it some thought-I immediately feel exhausted-relationships are a lot of work and there are many concessions one has to make. I was married for 20 yrs.-to the king of emotional abuse-who had me doubt my perceptions-he was a deceitful sneaky guy. To add insult to injury-he was a banker-yep! He screwed me royally in the end-but I am so happy to be free of him-it was worth every dollar I was duped out of. Much as I would like to share my life (I’ve been in several relationships since my divorce) I just can’t find a guy who fits my criteria-he very 1st time catch him lying to me-he’s out. I’m 57 yet I’m told-and I work hard at it-look 10-15 yrs. younger. At this stage of life a woman becomes either “a nurse or a purse” I am NO ONE”S NURSE OR PURSE! This is the 1st time in my life that I live alone and I LOVE it! I can do anything I want-or do nothing-I’m free. Is their something wrong preferring NOT to be in a relationship? Are there any men out there who can be trusted if so-how many? Do I need therapy because I don’t trust men-actually I don’t like them very much either. Is there any hope for me, or am I destined to end my days living with my cat? PLS help- Lady with a cat

Dear Lady with a cat,

Congratulations on your new life. You sound happy and excited about the next chapter. So let’s get busy so you can enjoy it. You have a wonderful opportunity to move on to the next loving level of your life. It sounds like you have learned some great lessons, including recovery. There is a saying in recovery to wait until after the 1st year to begin a relationship, this maybe a good idea for you, since it sounds like you have a lot of healing to do. The loss of a 20 year marriage is a big deal and to throw on top of it emotional abuse.

First, I hope you have a great sponsor to help you through the steps. Working out the issues of the marriage will be critical to do before you get into a new relationship. The tragedy that many people find themselves in, is escaping a bad relationship, only to find themselves in a similar relationship because they failed to do the healing work. The healing work is recognizing that everything that happened in your life was for a reason and for your own good. Once you can accept the things not only happened, but also find the blessing in them, than will you be truly heal. This is not an easy thing to do, but acceptance and forgiveness is key.

You said something in your letter that is a little scary. You said at your age a woman becomes either a nurse or a purse. Although that’s a very cute saying, it could be an insidious thought. Your thoughts are constructive, so what you believe you achieve. For example, if your belief is all men cheat. You will end up only meeting men that cheat because your mind only picks out the things it resonates with. The good news is that positive affirmations can help. Affirmations such as “I only attract healthy, self-supporting men with integrity” will help you to rewrite that old belief.

Your question was do I need a therapist because I don’t like men. If that’s what you truly believe – that you don’t like men. But, you want a relationship, it sounds like a therapist might be in order. You can do the work yourself, but a therapist can help speed up the process and keep you on the right track. You are going through a wonderful growth period in your life, a time to reevaluate and to decide what is important and what you truly want. Enjoy the process and I guarantee you wouldn’t end your days living with your cat, if you don’t want to.

Love,
Dawn

Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I met this guy at a meeting. He’s 26 I’m 32…we’ve been talking about having sex for the past 4 months. Neither one of us want a relationship, with our work obligations being the excuse. He’s been clean 7 years, me 3. I’ve never done the casual sex thing but have needs and want to experiment. I’m a little skeptical only because I’ve been told that no matter how much people say its just “sex” that there’s always some type of feeling involved. How true is this???

Signed,

Thinking Casual

Dear Thinking Casual,

Wow! Great question. I am so glad you asked me this. As a biologist, I can tell you men and women are different when it comes to sex. Now, I realize this is not news for most people, but just how different we are may be surprising to some.

A young man in his twenties produced about 300,000 sperm per minute, or about 400 million per day! As, you might imagine he has a great desire to get rid of them; therefore it’s a little easier for men to have “casual sex.” Women, on the other hand, have a natural desire for sex but we produce a hormone that can get is in trouble when it comes to casual sex.

When women have a uterine contraction such during an orgasm or childbirth she releases a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone causes bonding, which is important after giving birth, but not so great after casual sex.

What ends up happening is you decide to have sex with a logical mind clear of oxytocin, and then find yourself a few weeks late “in love” and wondering what happened? Well oxytocin happened.

So to answer your question…is there always some type of feelings involved? The answer is yes. If the sex is good and you have an orgasm, bonding emotions will follow. Hope that helps with you decision.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m in love with a man who is 9yrs sober and I’m 4yrs sober.  From the start of our relationship 6yrs ago, I was not honest I was using and he did not know. When the truth came out he was very supportive in seeing me get help, he loved me very much even though there was a lot of stealing and lying while I was active.  At 10 months sober he told me I had to find another place to live. I was devastated but I did so and have remained sober for the last 4yrs. my sobriety is the most important thing to me and I am very active in working the 12 steps of AA (recovery). We have remained friends and he has helped me get on my feet. We used to tell each other that we loved each other.  Recently, he stopped responding when I would say I love you. Things have changed between us. I always felt that we would reunite and we were just taking things slow. I don’t know what happened but he is definitely pulling away even as my friend. I know that it is time to let go but it is very sad and painful I am praying to God how I should act in this relationship. I can’t believe that I have to ask that question with someone I love so much. I feel he does not know how to tell me (not a very good communicator) so he is just pulling away. He knows how I feel about him I guess I should just walk away right?

Dear Sweetheart,

I know how painful it feels when someone you love pulls away. That pain and fear causes you to search for reasons why its happening, believing if you figure it out you might be able to change the outcome. It sounds like you had someone very special in your life. He came at the right time and he actually knew what to do to take care of both of you.

You are very fortunate. Instead of rejecting you, he stood by you and helped you. He asked you to move at 10 months so he was not enabling you. Now you have 4 years sober. Wow! Now it appears he is moving on. It sounds like its time.

My biggest challenge in recovery has always been maintaining faith during a tough time. It’s easy to have faith when things are going my way, but do I still believe when things become painful?

This is a loss and it’s going to hurt. That’s ok. It’s ok to cry and to miss him. But, have faith that this is happening for a reason and for your highest good. It looks like he was placed in your life for your highest good and now it’s time to let him go for your highest good.

You knew the answer when you wrote to me. You titled the letter letting go; now its time to take your own advice. Make this a selfish time. Just be alone for a while, and become completely comfortable by yourself. You have changed a lot over the course of this relationship, and you’re still changing. When you’re ready, someone else will come into your life.  Get ready for him.

Love,

Dawn

One of this summer’s a new movies is titled Friends With Benefits. The premise behind the romantic comedy is that two emotionally damaged people decide to have a sex only relationship. The idea is that they will have a strictly physical relationship and avoid any emotional entanglement. One of those ideas that sounds better on paper than practice.

The problem with a sex only relationship is that is starts out physically but ends emotionally. The issue is our biology. Both sexes complicate sex only relationships, but a woman is more prone to becoming emotional, particularly is the sex is good. It’s rather ironic; if you have good sex, expect emotion. However, if you have bad sex, you are less at risk and can keep going. But than again what would be the point?

When a woman has an orgasm, her body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone released during the contraction of the uterus, such as an orgasm, or as in childbirth. One of the effects this hormone has is bonding, a very important reaction after just giving birth. Not a very good side effect if you are trying to have meaningless sex. Therefore, once an organism occurs, emotions follow.

One of the definitions of benefit is something that promotes well-being.  So, if you find yourself tempted about having meaningless sex with someone, ask yourself this question. Will this really be a benefit? Will this really promote genuine well-being?

Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn