Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

8805 Southwest 132nd Street
Miami, FL 33176
(305) 251-9642

            We all have some form of adversity. To what degree we have it depends on our attitude. I saw a quote the other day from David Brinkley. He said, “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.”

            Change is difficult. Most people (myself included) have some fear of change. The present, no matter how painful it may be, provides a level of comfort because we are familiar with it. The change on the other hand, may be better, but the fear is that it will be worse. In addition, every change requires some grieving. We must feel the emotions of the loss in order to accept it.

            We in recovery are not very comfortable with our emotions. That’s why we tried to numb ourselves. So when the change comes, instead of going through the grieving process and getting to the acceptance and finding the blessing, we sometimes try to prevent the change.

Maybe a friend is offered a great new job in another state. Although we love our friend and want them to be happy, we may try to talk them out of it, because we don’t want them to leave. We don’t want to have to go through our own grief of the loss of the friendship. Sometimes we might even get into a fight with them. Anger is the second step in the grief process.

            This anger can also be directed towards us. When we are changing, people may get mad at us.  They fear the change, but we feel like we are being attacked…throwing bricks at us. Sometimes, instead of continuing on, we may be tempting to run back to the familiar. We hit the anger and instead of walking through the sadness to the other side, we are tempted to run back, thwarting our own growth.

            We don’t have to fear the bricks of life. If we do we can jeopardize our own progress. We succeed when we realize that the bricks are just the building blocks we need to grow.

Dear Dawn,

 After several years of lot of arguing, I decided to break the chain of being his whipping post, so to speak. But, I do find myself hurting inside. How can I stop from hurting so much within my own skin?

 My Dear Sweet Child,

First I want to commend you on making this big step. Making a change, even a healthy one can be very difficult. I am so happy that you taking care of yourself.

The reason why change is so difficult is that it can cause pain. Any loss must be grieved. That’s the bad news. The good news is that this feeling is temporary. It hurts, but once you get through it you will find a much greater happiness and peace of mind. Unfortunately the only way to the other side it to go through it.

There are things you can do to make the process easier. First, be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend who was going through a loss. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or pedicure. Take hot baths, drink tea and read a good book. Let yourself cry and realize that this will pass. And, don’t forget to reach out to your friends, often during these times we like to isolate.

One of the best ways to ward off feeling of being lonely or depressed is to help someone else. Give rides if you have a car, lend an ear to someone, anything to get you out of your own head. When you focus on someone else, it takes your mind of your own pain for a little while.

I am so happy that you have taken this step for yourself. There is a saying that would give me comfort during trying times in my life. The saying goes, “If you want to discover new lands, you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.” In other words, growth takes risk. If you want to find a world beyond your wildest dreams, you must be willing to break away from your uncomfortable comfort zone. You have done that, just keep going, you are almost there.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Nearly 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years due to his problems with alcohol and drugs. About 3 weeks after the break up I was asked out by a friend, who I had known for a few years and liked a lot, but that lasted only 4 months (he also has alcohol and gambling problems). Now I’m on my own again and really trying to put the pieces back together, but I’m finding it really hard to let my long-term boyfriend go. I know he is an alcoholic and drug user but I find myself thinking about the good things we did share and I feel really sad that it has to be this way. I know that I have done the right thing for my own sanity but it’s hard to move on. Although I’m not with this man anymore do you think Alanon would help me???

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know you are hurting, but this is normal and needed. You are grieving. By going out with the other guy you were hoping to avoid the grieving process by jumping into another relationship. This doesn’t work and the relationship usually dissolved in a few short months, as you discovered.

So now that your “savior” relationship is over, you find yourself thinking about your ex. Sometimes we go back to the relationship because we think this must be love, but it’s just your mind wanting closure. Alanon can help, but only if you focus on yourself and not him.

I would like you to try this exercise. Instead of thinking about him and what you both had, I want you to think about you and what you want. I want you to write down how you want your life to be in the future without putting a specific man in it. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do, do you want kids, a garden, or pets? Write down everything.

Once you figure out what you want in your life, now write down the characteristics of the relationship that you want to fit into that life. Create a sheet with four columns. In the first write down your “must haves,” in the second write down your “would likes,” and in the third write down your “negotiable” those are the characteristics that are not that important to you. In the final column write down the “deal breakers,” the deal breakers are those things that if he has you don’t want a relationship with him, such as an active alcoholic.

Once you have it all down on paper, that a look. Does your ex fit with what you really want in your life? I would guess not since you broke up because of his addictions. Now the next time you find yourself pining over your ex, pull out the list. Remind yourself, you deserve better in your life. Then, go take a hot bath, call a friend or read an inspirational book (such as From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire). Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry and grieve the lost of the relationship. But at the same time reaffirm that you deserve better. In fact, your desire for better is God given. There is something better out there waiting for you to be ready to accept it.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I need help. I have been clean for over 6 months and am in a long term relationship with the man I used with who also found his way into the rooms. We work harder on our recovery then we ever worked on getting high. The problem I have is my 19 year old daughter. She is in college on full scholarships. She works 2 jobs, makes excellent grades, and is honest and respectful. When I ask for her help with her younger siblings, she is always here. The problem I have is that she uses pot. My boyfriend says that as long as she’s using, she is not welcome here. I say that as long as she doesn’t use around us or her siblings, she is always welcome home. We have had a few heated conversations about this. I remind him that if our parents had given up on us, we would not be where we are today. I don’t want my daughter smoking pot and I don’t want her to go further, but she is an adult. She knows I am in recovery and respects that. She tells me every day that she is proud of us and spends a lot more time with us now then she ever did. I just don’t know how to handle it and its becoming a daily conversation. It’s to the point that I feel like I’m going to have to make a decision between my child who is doing wrong, and a man I love who is doing right! What do I do?

Signed,

Mom

Dear Mom,

Congratulations on raising such a wonderful daughter. She is doing well in school while working and is respectful.

But I am a little confused on your question. Your boyfriend doesn’t want your daughter around if she smokes pot. But, you say she you don’t want her around if she does it also. The question seems to be if the child smokes at all, you don’t want her to come home.

While I agree with his boundaries when it comes to her activities around the house, he really can’t police what she does outside of the home. Pot smoking is an illegal activity, and anyone that condoms it can be culpable.

So if she wants to come home, she needs to respect your boundaries. What she does in her dorm room is her business but what she does in your house is yours. If your boyfriend suspects that she is using pot while she is staying with you he has every reason to protect his home and the other children by asking her to leave.

I can tell from your letter you love your daughter very much. I also feel you might feel guilty because of some of your own drugs use. But what a child wants most from a parent is guidance. Good guidance comes from clear boundaries – boundaries that have the child’s best interest in mind.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

Has your sponsor or friend told you that you might have a broken picker?

Are you tired of wasting time, energy and emotion falling for the wrong men?

Come to a free 2 hour workshop to discover how to develop a healthy GPS (Guy Picking System)

Saturday Febuary 26th

10am to 12am

Seaside Inn (Sober Hotel)

308 S Ocean Blvd

Pompano Beach, Fl

RSVP at dawnmaslar@yahoo.com

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=126856070720096

Hi Dawn,

I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I just don’t have enough time in to really appreciate the complexities of a serious relationship. Sure I love being in love, I’m a romantic and not ashamed of it. But when it comes down to the day to day comfortable relationship it all seems quite dull. How can a guy in my position find the right woman? I don’t think I could seriously get into a relationship with someone who is in recovery, but anyone outside of it will be wary of a guy with my alcoholic background, and rightfully so. I want to leave it in God’s hands, but I certainly have to do some of the work myself down here. I’ve met two women on this site all ready and they were ready to do more than fall in love, they wanted a total commitment from me, a guy they had never met face to face before. I can understand their lonely and have needs, so am I? I just can’t put my finger on how to have a special relationship with a woman, to have a soul mate, a life partner. It’s only really happened to me once before in my life and I screwed that up with my alcoholism. Will I ever get a second chance at true love? What do you think?

Hi Sweetheart,

When we are looking for a good relationship, the key to finding a healthy one is not needing one. It sounds ironic, but you can only truly be happy with someone, when you are happy alone. You made a keen observation; you said several women on this site wanted to have a committed relationship with you without even meeting you. Further you indicated this was probably stemming from loneliness rather than form a real desire to be in a relationship. Many people, myself included, have searched for a relationship expecting it to make us feel better.

In the beginning I would feel great, full of hope and promise. But after awhile I would grow bored and discontent. The reason was because the relationship was just a Band-Aid. It was a temporary diversion from my internal pain. The pain and uneasiness would always come back.

In order to find true love, I needed to do some internal work. True love can only be found when two whole people meet to share, not when two wounded people meet to take. Keep doing your work…prayer, journaling and meditation. Keep yourself open for a relationship, but stop searching. You asked if you would get a second chance at true love. The answer is no, you will get the first chance at real love.

Love,

Dawn