I believe that in every relationship we come together to help each other. Some people come into our lives to help us learn lessons, some people help us to grow spiritually, and some people simple love and support us. But intimate relationships are all about healing. When we attract a painful relationship, that is a sure sign that we have old wounds that need to be addressed. But even after we address those surface wounds, deeper down we will find more.
We all dream of the “happily ever after” relationship, the relationship that once we enter it will be wonderfully happy without having to do anything. The thought is once we find the perfect person, they will always love us no matter what and we don’t have to look at ourselves ever again.
Unfortunately (and I had to learn this the hard way) that’s not how life works. We are constantly growing and changing and we naturally attract partners to help us grow…usually by pushing our buttons. Yeah, that’s right! Our perfect partner is actually the person that upsets us the most. Because they are so close, they can see our wounds and they seem to like to poke at them and ask us “does that hurt?” Sometimes we respond back by poking at theirs, producing a painful power struggle.
This pain is spurring us forward on our spiritual path. I once heard a speaker explain that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. Without pain we tend to rest, we stop growing. In biology we call this equilibrium. We only achieve perfect equilibrium when we die. So in our quest to live we will naturally gravitate to situations that will helps us grow. It’s basic biology.
In the past, many of us responded to this push for growth by either running, either physically or through substances, hiding by isolating, or fighting against it. After a while our responses started causing us more pain than just simply growing.
The point is that each relationship is here for a lesson. We attract people to help us grow. When we realize that every relationship is for our benefit, to support our spiritual development, then and only then do we find our “happily ever after.”

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn, I know you are a biologist and therefore believe in nature and the oxytocin connection rather than nurture. I believe in both. Either way, my question is really is there a possibility of friendship after a sexual relationship or not and how do gender differences figure in that equation? Thanks! Nancy

Hi Nancy,

What a great question! And, yes as a biologist I am very attuned to the oxytocin connection. When a female has sex and achieves orgasm (which of course we all hope to do) she will release oxytocin. This is a hormone that produces bonding. She will typically have warm regards for the person who gave her the orgasm.

Now your question is can you be friends afterwards? Yes, of course. But the big factor here is time. The oxytocin will eventually wear off. You might have noticed this if you ever meet an old flame after a couple of years. Sometimes you can walk away from a reunion wondering what you ever saw in them. Your oxytocin has definitely worn off.

Like yourself, I believe in both nature and nurture. So the real answer to your question is what is happening in the relationship? For example, if you maintain the relationship because he is the father of your children and it has turned into a friendship, I think that’s fabulous. However, if the relationship is preventing you from moving on and finding a healthy relationship, than you are better off without it.

Only you can decide if a relationship is for your highest good. One way to help you figure this out; is to sit down in your meditation as ask yourself the question…is this relationship love-based or fear-based. A fear-based relationship is one where you are afraid to be alone. A love-based relationship is one where you want the highest spiritual good for both people. If you determine that it is a love-based relationship, then congratulations! You have a healthy wonderful friendship!

Love,
Dawn

Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I met this guy at a meeting. He’s 26 I’m 32…we’ve been talking about having sex for the past 4 months. Neither one of us want a relationship, with our work obligations being the excuse. He’s been clean 7 years, me 3. I’ve never done the casual sex thing but have needs and want to experiment. I’m a little skeptical only because I’ve been told that no matter how much people say its just “sex” that there’s always some type of feeling involved. How true is this???

Signed,

Thinking Casual

Dear Thinking Casual,

Wow! Great question. I am so glad you asked me this. As a biologist, I can tell you men and women are different when it comes to sex. Now, I realize this is not news for most people, but just how different we are may be surprising to some.

A young man in his twenties produced about 300,000 sperm per minute, or about 400 million per day! As, you might imagine he has a great desire to get rid of them; therefore it’s a little easier for men to have “casual sex.” Women, on the other hand, have a natural desire for sex but we produce a hormone that can get is in trouble when it comes to casual sex.

When women have a uterine contraction such during an orgasm or childbirth she releases a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone causes bonding, which is important after giving birth, but not so great after casual sex.

What ends up happening is you decide to have sex with a logical mind clear of oxytocin, and then find yourself a few weeks late “in love” and wondering what happened? Well oxytocin happened.

So to answer your question…is there always some type of feelings involved? The answer is yes. If the sex is good and you have an orgasm, bonding emotions will follow. Hope that helps with you decision.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi I’m a single mother in my early 30′s with one child who’s turning 9 this year. I’ve been a meth user on and off for the last 10 years and have gotten to a point where I would like to get help but I am not willing to lose custody of my daughter as a result of this. I’ve heard that there are recovery houses or places that actually allow you to have your child there with you in treatment and need to know if there is a place like this in my area. I live near Vancouver Canada. Thanks in advance for your help.

Dear Sweetness,

First I want to commend you for taking this first big step. Making a discussion to get help takes a lot of courage.

I have been looking around, and I have to admit I don’t know much about Canada and the resources available. Please take a look at the resources on InTheRooms, but also I found website that might help.

This website appears to offer a variety of services in your area: http://www.angelscommunity.com

Also this one has the rehab centers:

http://www.canadiandrugrehabcentres.com/support_groups/British_Columbia_support_groups/index.html

Also, I discovered that you have some unique resources including The Chopra Center and The Paradise Valley Wellness Center. That website is: http://www.chopra.com.

Please don’t let the fear of being away from you child keep you from recovery. The best gift you can give that child is a mother who is free from addiction. I wish you luck and love.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

I have been writing about relationship for several years now and have come to the understanding that all relationships stem from your relationship with God, or the Universe, or your higher power (or what ever you wish to call it). In other words, it’s your relationship with the world that dictates your personal relationships. If you live is faith, your relationship reflect faith, if you live in fear, your relationships reflect fear.

Ask yourself, if your relationships are based on fear or faith? If it’s fear you tend to try to change people so you can be happy. That is a silly task since its almost impossible to change another person. The fact that we want to change them usually results in their resistance.  And, to top it off we seldom are good judges at what’s going to make us happy. So if somehow we finally get to them to change, we quickly realize that wasn’t the problem, and look for something else that needs to change to make us happy.

By deepening our spirituality our relationships magically improve. Relationships that no longer serve us simply slip away, making room for new and better ones, which help us to strengthen our trust and faith. Marianne Williamson, bestselling spiritual teacher says in her book A Return to Love, “A relationship that is used by the Holy Spirit becomes a place where our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into out conscious awareness. Then we can see our dysfunctions clearly, and when we’re ready, ask God to show us another way.”

The “another way” is by even more spiritual growth. Every relationship is a relationship with our self. When we look for someone or something outside ourselves to make us happy, it selfdom works for very long. But when we look inside and deepen our relationship with God, we find a true happiness that is then reflected in our relationships.

I have an In The Rooms friend that you might be familiar with…Sandra of Sandraswalk.org. She is spending the summer walking from Fort Lauderdale to Philadelphia. She will be stopping in different places such a Washington DC to participate in recovery events.

I will be following her on her journey and updating periodically. Sandra is not traveling alone. She is carrying with her several signed copies of my book, CD’s and other fun items she will be giving to people who spot her. You can also buy one of her mustard seed necklaces. For each one she sells, she gives one away to someone who can’t afford one.

Check in here to find out were she is. Today she is near the A1A Pier on North Ocean Blvd in Pompano Beach Florida heading North. Stop by to say “hi.” She would love to see you.

Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

8805 Southwest 132nd Street
Miami, FL 33176
(305) 251-9642