Hi Guys,

I am off on a trip of a life time. In out literature is talks about building lifelong relationships and finding a life beyond our wildest dreams. I was told early on is I work those steps to the best of my ability, those promises would come true.

Well I have to tell you, they are unfolding in my life. Over the years I have lost track of people in this fellowship. But, recently, thanks to facebook and In The Rooms, I am finding them. One of my old friends happens to live in Tanzania now. Wondering were Tanzania is? I was myself. It is on the east coast of Africa. I am on my way there right now. In fact, I am typing this from my hotel room in Zurich were I have a lay over. Tomorrow I fly over to Tanzania and on Sunday we are off to the Serengeti for an African Safari. 

Now I would have never imagined (even 6 months ago) that I would be traveling to Africa for a vacation with an old friend. In fact, I have trouble imaging all the wonderful things that I have been given in recovery. 

I won’t be posting for a few days, but I will be back. So please write to me and I will answer all your emails when I return.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

What is your take on relationships in early recovery? I had been in and out of NA for about a year when I met my ex in the rooms. He was 60 days at the time and had been in and out also before this. I didn’t really care about the suggested things at the time, so we got together. We moved pretty fast and I moved in with him. He managed to get up to 11 months, the cleanest he had ever been. I continued to relapse, but less frequently. Before I couldn’t get more than a few days up, but started to get months up. I ended up moving out though due to my using. Then he relapsed while I was clean and we used together. We only used together around 10 times, as it was just really sad and we knew it would kill our relationship, which had been on and off due to my using. I ended up going to rehab and I hoped we’d get back together when I got out and was clean. Something changed this time and it’s the first time I really feel I’m getting real recovery. This is the cleanest I’ve been and I’m not white knuckling it. I’m doing at least a meeting a day, working the steps with a great sponsor and working on my connection with my HP. I was told in the rehab that being in a relationship wasn’t a good idea. My ex had been told the same and we have not been seeing each other even though we both still have feelings for one another. We still sometimes speak on the phone or see each other at a meeting, but not often. It’s now been 18 months since we first met. I have found being without him almost as hard as not using or probably the same. It’s been the main thing that has brought back thoughts of using. If it were up to me, I probably couldn’t resist being with him, but he really thinks it’s best for both our recoveries! I can see the benefits for sure. I am meeting more people and I’m starting to get a bit used to being without him. I am now 93 days clean. I am hoping though that we could get back together at some stage. I just wanted to get some advice from you about what the safest way would be to do this? When would be the best time? What are your tips on relationships in early recovery? Hope this wasn’t too long. Many thanks

Dear Sweetie,

Congratulations on your recovery! You sound great, getting to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, and most importantly developing a relationship with your higher power. This is just wonderful!

I am also very proud of your ex. He realized that your relationship was affecting both of your abilities to recover. But, not only that, he was strong enough to resist the temptation to slip back into it.

Relationships can be challenging at any point in recovery. But in the beginning it is extremely difficult. The main issue is that in order to recover, you need to change. The same person will use again. However, if you start changing while you are in a relationship, this can be very threatening to the other person. So, subconsciously you resist the change in order to safe-guard the relationship. That’s why couples end up slipping together for many years. They start to change, then fall back, over and over again.

It sounds like you two are doing the right thing. The suggestion is the rooms is to wait a year. This is an arbitrary time frame. The most important thing is to do the steps. The 12 step says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. The spiritual awakening is the change you are looking for; once, you are there, you will be free to have a happy and healthy recovery relationship. This was a very important question, thank you for writing.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

My boyfriend and I are both in recovery, both 2 years, and both on 4th step. In the past we just could not seem to be on the same relationship level at the same time Because of pass abuse, sex was a big issue for me. Since working my 4th step, I have found a new freedom in that area of my life. Now just when it seemed like all was well, quality time together has become an issue. Because of our work schedules and service commitments we hardly have time together (2 nights a week). Now he is also scheduling stuff on those nights, though it is not every week he does this; it is enough that it is affecting me. I am big on recovery first, but that is not the case. I have told him my feelings and he acted as if it was my problem alone. As if he was o.k. with a day out of the week here and there. Yes we live together, but I feel if I was not there he would not notice. Do you think I am being selfish or making too much of this?

Dear Sunshine,

Time together is challenging in most relationships when you are juggling so many things. If you don’t make a real effort at quality time, time together can easy slip away. When you live separate you have to make arrangements to be together such as dates. But since you two live together, you can easily confused quantity with quality. Just because you spent the last 10 hours under the same roof doesn’t mean you spent time together, especially if most of the time you both were sleeping.

Try to schedule a date night each week. A date night is where you do something together and reconnect with each other. Focus on the quality rather than the quantity. Since each of you are in an important time (in the middle of your steps), time with sponsors and meetings are very important. Allow each other the time to work on yourself and the relationship. Sometimes we focus on the outside stuff, when we really need to be looking within. Step work can make you feel uncomfortable, but this will pass. As you continue to work on the steps and become more comfortable with yourself, your relationship will follow suit.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hello and thanks for any insight. I was wondering if it was acceptable for me to share my recovery (the details of my steps) the things that are Ah-Ha’s for me with my partner. She is not in a 12 step and a healthy individual that is not an addict so she is not all familiar with the steps but very supportive. It has been 5 months together and when family and past things come up, I am reserved to discuss as I am not sure if it is ok to do so. Thanks signed should I share.

Dear Should I Share,

How wonderful that you are happy in recovery and diligently working on your steps.  In addition to that you are having amazing Ah-ha moments you want to share with your supportive partner. All of this is just great stuff.

So the question is should you share?  You have found a wonderful program and you are embracing a spiritual life and you wonder if you should share this? My question for you is why wouldn’t you share this with someone you love?

My only concern for you would be the extent of what you share. Of course share your Ah-ha moments, and share the exhilaration feeling you get. Also, share the principles that you are incorporating in your life. However, do not share anything that would harm your partner or make them feel bad. Sometimes we feel that rigorous honesty will help us to become more intimate with our partner. Unfortunately, this can have the opposite effect. Sharing our pasts may make us feel better, but it can place an undue burden on them. That you share with your sponsor.

Love,

Dawn

Hello Dawn,

I need some advice. I am in recovery in been sober seven years. I have been with the man of my dreams for over a year. We have a newborn two month old son; however, it has been really rough. He got back on drugs, I think maybe he cheated and was selling drugs. I’m living a double life. God rescued him when he got locked up for a month. He came out and wants to start over, however I do not trust him at all. I went to his phone changed his voicemail to access it and I’m going insane with all these thoughts and feelings. I am finding nothing but it’s only been a short time that we started over. But my mind keeps me insane. Any help or advice would be great. I love this man and want to be with him and I just can’t seem to let go of the past. I am willing and pray every day for God to help me and even thought the program teaches me how to live but I’m having a hard time applying the principles to this relationship. I want to salvage what we have in some move on but I can’t. Signed Letting Go.

Dear Letting Go,

I am so glad you wrote to me. I know exactly how you feel. When you doubt someone you become hyper-vigilant, looking for any evidence of impending dome.  It drives you crazy because you can’t seem to find any peace.

I have a suggestion that was given to me when I had similar emotions. What I was told was to give myself a certain period of time, maybe 6 months or a year.  During that time, I would agree to not make any decisions about the relationship. You practice being the person you would want to be in a relationship with. If you want a trustworthy, loving and kind partner, then you be the loving trusting supportive partner that you want.  Gather up a support group so when you feel afraid and want to check up on him, you can call them instead. Get active in your own life finding your own outlets and hobbies.

At the end of the time period, reevaluate your decision, if he is still the man you want to be with, then your relationship will probably be going pretty well. If however, you find he wasn’t trustworthy or just isn’t the man you want, you will have become the partner anyone would want. So instead of ending up an angry and bitter woman, you will have developed the qualities that will have men beating a path to your door. You will also maintain your sanity and a level of peace more conducive to raising a child. Whatever you decide, know that you deserve lots of love and the best the world has to offer.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Why can’t we all get along ??!!  I sent out a friend note to an NA member, who then replied back to me “I don’t friend people in A.A.” Wow I thought we got into recovery to experience personal freedom and happiness. I somehow missed the part about ‘I’m better than you and you don’t fit in because I don’t like your ‘WHAT I THINK I KNOW ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I ASSUME YOUR AN A– JUST BECAUSE YOUR IN A different fellowship’- I never read that line in the basic text or in the big book. I had my first NA sponsor in 1991 and went through the steps and started several meetings and did area service in New York. I am deeply saddened to find out that there are people still holding on to resentments and controversy between the fellowships anywhere in the world.

Dear why can’t we all get along,

I understand your frustration.  The fighting against each other is sad, but completely understandable.  We suffer from a disease that wants to separate us any way it can.  If it can’t separate us individually from the meetings, it will try to separate us from each other in the meetings.  It’s the disease of the ego.  The ego needs to have separation – it needs to judge, putting one above or below another.

When we recover and grow spiritually, we decrease the ego’s power.   Recover is about inclusion and selflessness, not about the ego.   Since the ego doesn’t like to lose power, it fights back, trying to regain its power by pitting us against each other.

The ideal spiritual being has no enemies, nor do they fight against anything.  Mother Theresa was asked once “will you join us in our march against oppression?”  She said, “No, I will not fight against anything.  But I am willing to join you if you walk for freedom.”  This spiritual nature is the perfection we strive for, but very few get close.

Just remember when someone is trying to separate themselves or their group, that their disease is winning that day.  Maybe say a little prayer for them.