Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

This is not about love life (not yet). I have tried it all, ‘the secret’ positive affirmations in AA but I cannot get to day 3 staying sober. Is it wrong of me to use CAMPRAL and or Naltrexone? Dr. wants me to use both, which seems like a lot? I don’t know if you are even allowed to go to AA on this stuff? Love some answers thank you. Hope in 1 year I will ask you about love.

Signed, RX

Dear RX,

My sweet child, I have had this issue in my own recovery. I am not a doctor, so I asked a REAL doctor about the medications you sent me. She said that those are used to help people stop drinking. It is far too common to find people who are well meaning but ill advised to make prescription drug suggestions. This can have devastating effects.

When I first came in, I was placed on anti-depressants. There were people in the rooms that believed you should not take anything. But what my doctor said was it would help keep me alive long enough for the program to start working. I took the medication for two years. Last October I celebrated 22 years in recovery, so I am inclined to think that the doctor was right.

Unfortunately after 22 years, I have also gone to my share of funerals. Some of the deaths were by suicide in recovery. This is not a disease to be played with. If you doctor believes that the medication will help you, by all means take it. It might upset a few people, but as you grow in recovery, they will get over it. Can’t wait until next year when you send me that question about love.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been out of recovery for awhile now, I am back in and I have been clean for 1 month today. I really don’t think about using, it’s the living on life’s terms that gets me. I go to church and I love it.  But I need meetings also and my family doesn’t think they help, they believe I just go there to find other addicts and get high. Which I have in the past. I am 46 years old I have been trying to stay clean all my life but I end up relapsing and in and out of I don’t know how many treatment centers. Can you give me some advice on what I need to do?

Thanks,

Signed Not Sure What to do

Dear Not Sure what to Do,

I wish I had the magical words for you. I really wish I had the magical cure that could make everything better. The words that could keep you clean and restore your families trust in you. But I don’t.

What I can tell you is that the majority of the people that walk into recovery end up walking back out. Even though they are in pain, even though it’s obvious they need the 12 steps, even though they might die, they say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You see, this program is not for people that need it; it’s for people that want it. I can only hope that God gives you that special gift he gave me. It’s the gift of desperation.   

The old timers would tell their stories in an effort to raise the bottom. They hoped if you can identify with what they had been through prior to their bottom that you might not have to ride all the way down. Go to lots of meetings until you find someone who you can identify with, then ask them for help. Do exactly as they tell you, especially if you don’t want to.

I am going to wish you what they wished me when I came in. When I first heard it I thought it was cruel, but now I understand. My dear I wish you a long slow recovery. Don’t get well too soon, stay green and desperate.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am recently sober (70 days) and am loving being that way. My problem is that even though I’ve started attending NA meetings, I’m missing the comfort of having a significant other. Is it too soon to start looking for a potential boyfriend and is it wrong to consider my fellow NA members as prospects? I know I got a lot of work to do as far as I’m concerned but I miss having someone around to share my life with. What should I do?

Signed,

Looking for love

Dear Love Bug,

Congratulations are getting clean! You are on the start of a wondrous journey. Thank you for writing in and asking this question. This is a great one!

One of the first things I heard when I can into the rooms was “don’t have a relationship for the first year.” Since this was not one of the steps, I realized it was optional. Not having the comfort of a significant other was simply too much for me to bear. I got involved with a semi-recovering heroin addict which was disastrous. The relationship didn’t last very long and I began a series of serial relationships that lasted for the next 17 years. During that time, I stayed clean and sober but I robbed myself of a lot of the growth and happiness and caused damage to myself and others.  

If you do not deflect, that is get in a relationship, or switch addictions, such as work or food, you will grow exponentially during your first year. That’s the good news. The bad news is that growth can be painful, sending you running out in the middle of the night looking for comfort. When you get involved in a relationship several things can happen. You stop growing because you focus on someone or something else. You grow but since people usually don’t grow at the same rate, your growth can be inhibited by the relationship. In other words, the relationship becomes a deterrent for change for the fear you will grow apart.

Or, the biggest issue when it comes to relationships early on is that you have a lot of pain. When you look for comfort, you are not looking for a healthy loving relationship; you are looking for a savior, someone to take away your pain. No one can do that for you. Eventually you will realize that they are not the right person, because you choose them for the wrong reasons. Then you will have to decide if you want to look for another savior, or finally give yourself the time to heal and grow.

You need to love yourself before you love another person. You cannot give what you do not have. My sweetheart, please take the time to work on yourself now, so you can enjoy all the joy, promises and love in store for you.

Love,

Dawn

I often hear people say things like, “you need to watch out for number one,” or quote Darwinism with its “the survival of the fittest out there.” This ideology of looking out for you above all else, can unfortunately produce the opposite of the desired result. For example, maybe you are in a hurry to get home. In your haste you cut someone off in traffic. That person becomes upset and decides to retaliate and cut you off. He jumps in front of you and slams on the breaks. You try to stop but end up rear ending him. Now instead of gaining time, you end up losing much more time because you now need to make an accident report, maybe get a tow truck and a ride home, and later lose time getting your car repaired.   

            As a biology professor, I have heard many people us biological concept such as Darwinism to rationalize poor behavior. They end up not doing “survival of the fittest,” but something very different. In biology when one organism only looks out for themselves and takes from another organism without providing any benefit to the relationship they are referred to as a parasite. Most parasites are undesirable blood sucking pests. Not something you probably want to be known for.

            Most of us are aware when we have a parasite relationship, although I may not define it as such. We intuitively understand a parasitic relationship by the way they make us feel. We may feel uncomfortable, put on or drained after and encounter with a parasite. For example, the friend that calls up only to talk about her problems. Then gets off the phone the minute you try to talk about yours. Or the friend who is always broke or borrowing something and never repays the money or returns any of the borrowed items. All of these are one sided parasitic relationships. There are many other examples, often more subtle, but the key to a parasitic relationship is that one person gains and the other loses, or at least they feel like they have lost something.

            You can be a parasite in a one on one relationship with another person, or even in a group. If you are part of a group and only bring your problems to the group and never bring a solution, you are behaving like a parasite. If you are part of a group and never give back by providing service, expecting others to do all the work while you are receiving some benefit you are acting like a parasite.

            The problem is no one likes a parasite. People will go to incredible lengths to avoid or eradicate parasites. So, you are acting like one, taking without giving, don’t be surprised if someone retaliates against this behavior. If you really want to watch out for number one, you may have to stop thinking so much about number one.

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am most definitely an addict. I used for at least 20 years. When I decided to quit I made the mistake of thinking I could drink. This is something I’m sure many of us have told ourselves. Where I live the closest N.A. meeting is 50 miles away, but there are A.A. meetings every day. I have been going to the AA meetings and get quite a bit out of them. My problem is I feel if I tell my whole story nobody would really understand being that a huge part of my life I was addicted to drugs. Should I just give up going to AA and try my best to go to NA meetings when I can or continue and hope maybe I’ll find someone there who is an alcoholic addict like me?

Dear Sweetheart,

I realize what I am about to say may be criticized by some people but the truth is once you get past the first step all the steps are basically the same. You can take the first step and put in alcohol, or drugs, or food, or even relationships. The point of the steps is to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. If an AA meeting that you can get to is much preferable to an NA meeting you can’t. By the way, most people in an AA meeting short of a few really old timers have used drugs. The 60’s (sex, drugs and rock and roll) was 50 years ago. Just be respectful when you tell your story in a meeting. Leave the drug details for your sponsor. You are not alone. Welcome.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn:

I am so lost. I am an addict who has caused so much hurt, pain and destruction. I’m married to a beautiful woman who at one point I considered my best friend and soul-mate. As an addict I have never really gave recovery 100% and with every relapse I have simply ran from the problems I’ve caused. After losing my job in September ’09,’ I relapsed and ran to Cali leaving my son, wife and our home. Everything was going downhill and my wife and I were separated because of my addiction and our inability to get along. I wasted about six months running around and now I’m in Oklahoma because I couldn’t stay clean in Cali where all of my previous addiction history resides and I caused a situation with a good friend and lost great trust. Another friend who I know from Cali and also recovering addict suggested I come out here to Oklahoma to the sober living house he stays in and I’ve been trying to start over and give my recovery a 100 percent. I’m going to meetings every day, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. My wife and I are talking again and she wants me to come home especially because I left everything to fall on her. Her mother has cancer and going through chemotherapy. My wife has also very recently had two of her good friends lose their mothers to cancer within the last year, plus she is also sick with a lifelong disease of sickle cell anemia. As I’ve started trying to be more honest for the sake of ever having any real recovery, I’ve told my wife that I have cheated. When I was running from the mess I’ve caused I figured we were not going to be together anymore which is a feeling I’ve often had while we were together. I’m realizing that I am very sick in my head. I swore everything was her fault and she was way too needy for attention. I am starting to see my part in our past conflicts. I am afraid to go back to Minnesota because mainly I’m afraid of the fact that everyone else like her parents and mine are through with me. Her parents use to think I was the best thing that has ever happened to their daughter and now it is the opposite. We still have our home which no one is living in and it will be foreclosed on in what I was told a year. I don’t know what to do. She is scared but wants me back to be with her and to love her. I want to be back with her but I’m scared to be there and own up to the hurt and wreckage I’ve created which includes leaving their car in Cali. I know all trust in me is shot and I’m sure they have no desire for me to be around. I don’t know what to do. At one point I had become addicted to my wife’s medication which was the main reason for this second separation. I feel obligated to go back because she is my wife who I deserted and hurt. I know where ever I go, my recovery must go, at the same time, I’ve always felt I’ve had such a difficult time getting along with her and now I understand that some if not all of that was due to my disease, limited communication and life skills. What do I do?

Dear Lost,

            I understand your pain. You have quite a mess on your hands, but it sounds like you have learned (the hard way) that running away doesn’t work. So now what do you do? You will need to go home eventually. Your wife needs you, but she needs the adult you. It’s time to meet your obligations and deal with your wreckage.

            It is not going to be easy, but you need to start. One step at a time, one day at a time. Some people will not trust you, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will doubt your intentions, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will not like that you came back, but that doesn’t matter. You need to go back and do the right things, because that’s all that matters.

            When we first get clean it is very tempting to be rigorously honest. We want to lessen our own guilt by admitting our faults to the ones we hurt. You can’t do that. The step says “except when to do so would injure others.” When you tell your wife about your indiscretions you feel relieved because you take the burden from yourself and place it on her. That’s not fair, you need to admit your faults to someone it will not hurt.

            Go home and be the best person you can be. When she gets mad or upset, forgive her, just as you would like to be forgiven. Go to meetings, find a home group, start working and help her as much as you can. You have a lot of ground to make up, but you can do it. You have already made huge steps; you are admitting your faults and asking for help. With that type of willingness you can’t go wrong.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I was wondering how many sponsees you can take on without being too much??

Signed Wondering

Dear Wondering,

 This is an interesting question. I am afraid my answer might be frustrating to you but here it is…it depends. A lot of factors come into play with this question. For example, I can easily see a retired guy with over 30 years having a bunch of sponsees with lots of time. On the other hand, I can also see a young mother with two kids that works full-time having difficulties handling one new comer.

            The rule of thumb is that the newer the sponsee the more time they need. Then we need to look at the sponsor and what’s going on in their life. When I was going through my divorce I had several sponsee’s under 6 months. I was taught that when I am going through a tough time that I need to get out of myself and help someone else.

            The important thing is how many is right for you? You need to be fair to yourself and check your motives. Some people like lots of sponsees for the accolades and some don’t want any sponsees because they are selfish with their time. But, there is a lot of room in the middle.  The most rewarding thing you can ever do in your life is help someone in utter despair become happily, whole and free of addiction.

 Love,

Dawn