Dear Dawn,

Well you are a terrific looking woman …I am having great difficulty in motivating myself to actually break through and eh speak with women , especially ones I’m attracted to . Women friends of mine cant believe I am still single and have been for almost the 24 years I have been clean! They also notice I am very slow at picking up signals. I have a great attitude to life and believe I am a good man, any chance of getting me a date? YOURS in sunny OZ

Dear In Sunny Oz,

Well first of all thank you for such a sweet compliment! I can’t imagine you would have too much trouble with women. But, this is a common theme I hear from men. And, oh boy do I feel for you. It really is much easier being a woman. All we have to do send a little signal, and the man has to do the rest of the work.

So, now to your question…”any chance of getting me a date?” I guess with the name like Love In The Rooms, it does sound a little like a place to find love. I would so love to help you out, but I can’t on this one.

But maybe I can give you a little motivation. When I was doing sales, and also feared rejection, I would remind myself of a little quote form Zig Ziglar, the master salesmen. He liked to say, “don’t fear the no. Just remind yourself, that it takes ten ‘no’s’ to get to a ‘yes,’ therefore, each ‘no’ is getting your closer to your goal.”

We all want love. Fear is the opposite of love. Reach out with love and the fear losses every time. Thank you for writing and I wish you the best of luck!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn, I know you are a biologist and therefore believe in nature and the oxytocin connection rather than nurture. I believe in both. Either way, my question is really is there a possibility of friendship after a sexual relationship or not and how do gender differences figure in that equation? Thanks! Nancy

Hi Nancy,

What a great question! And, yes as a biologist I am very attuned to the oxytocin connection. When a female has sex and achieves orgasm (which of course we all hope to do) she will release oxytocin. This is a hormone that produces bonding. She will typically have warm regards for the person who gave her the orgasm.

Now your question is can you be friends afterwards? Yes, of course. But the big factor here is time. The oxytocin will eventually wear off. You might have noticed this if you ever meet an old flame after a couple of years. Sometimes you can walk away from a reunion wondering what you ever saw in them. Your oxytocin has definitely worn off.

Like yourself, I believe in both nature and nurture. So the real answer to your question is what is happening in the relationship? For example, if you maintain the relationship because he is the father of your children and it has turned into a friendship, I think that’s fabulous. However, if the relationship is preventing you from moving on and finding a healthy relationship, than you are better off without it.

Only you can decide if a relationship is for your highest good. One way to help you figure this out; is to sit down in your meditation as ask yourself the question…is this relationship love-based or fear-based. A fear-based relationship is one where you are afraid to be alone. A love-based relationship is one where you want the highest spiritual good for both people. If you determine that it is a love-based relationship, then congratulations! You have a healthy wonderful friendship!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi, I’ve been on recovery for over 6 months. I’m really proud of myself and feel fantastic. I see and know many couples, and I wish I had someone to share my life with. However, when I really give it some thought-I immediately feel exhausted-relationships are a lot of work and there are many concessions one has to make. I was married for 20 yrs.-to the king of emotional abuse-who had me doubt my perceptions-he was a deceitful sneaky guy. To add insult to injury-he was a banker-yep! He screwed me royally in the end-but I am so happy to be free of him-it was worth every dollar I was duped out of. Much as I would like to share my life (I’ve been in several relationships since my divorce) I just can’t find a guy who fits my criteria-he very 1st time catch him lying to me-he’s out. I’m 57 yet I’m told-and I work hard at it-look 10-15 yrs. younger. At this stage of life a woman becomes either “a nurse or a purse” I am NO ONE”S NURSE OR PURSE! This is the 1st time in my life that I live alone and I LOVE it! I can do anything I want-or do nothing-I’m free. Is their something wrong preferring NOT to be in a relationship? Are there any men out there who can be trusted if so-how many? Do I need therapy because I don’t trust men-actually I don’t like them very much either. Is there any hope for me, or am I destined to end my days living with my cat? PLS help- Lady with a cat

Dear Lady with a cat,

Congratulations on your new life. You sound happy and excited about the next chapter. So let’s get busy so you can enjoy it. You have a wonderful opportunity to move on to the next loving level of your life. It sounds like you have learned some great lessons, including recovery. There is a saying in recovery to wait until after the 1st year to begin a relationship, this maybe a good idea for you, since it sounds like you have a lot of healing to do. The loss of a 20 year marriage is a big deal and to throw on top of it emotional abuse.

First, I hope you have a great sponsor to help you through the steps. Working out the issues of the marriage will be critical to do before you get into a new relationship. The tragedy that many people find themselves in, is escaping a bad relationship, only to find themselves in a similar relationship because they failed to do the healing work. The healing work is recognizing that everything that happened in your life was for a reason and for your own good. Once you can accept the things not only happened, but also find the blessing in them, than will you be truly heal. This is not an easy thing to do, but acceptance and forgiveness is key.

You said something in your letter that is a little scary. You said at your age a woman becomes either a nurse or a purse. Although that’s a very cute saying, it could be an insidious thought. Your thoughts are constructive, so what you believe you achieve. For example, if your belief is all men cheat. You will end up only meeting men that cheat because your mind only picks out the things it resonates with. The good news is that positive affirmations can help. Affirmations such as “I only attract healthy, self-supporting men with integrity” will help you to rewrite that old belief.

Your question was do I need a therapist because I don’t like men. If that’s what you truly believe – that you don’t like men. But, you want a relationship, it sounds like a therapist might be in order. You can do the work yourself, but a therapist can help speed up the process and keep you on the right track. You are going through a wonderful growth period in your life, a time to reevaluate and to decide what is important and what you truly want. Enjoy the process and I guarantee you wouldn’t end your days living with your cat, if you don’t want to.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m in love with a man who is 9yrs sober and I’m 4yrs sober.  From the start of our relationship 6yrs ago, I was not honest I was using and he did not know. When the truth came out he was very supportive in seeing me get help, he loved me very much even though there was a lot of stealing and lying while I was active.  At 10 months sober he told me I had to find another place to live. I was devastated but I did so and have remained sober for the last 4yrs. my sobriety is the most important thing to me and I am very active in working the 12 steps of AA (recovery). We have remained friends and he has helped me get on my feet. We used to tell each other that we loved each other.  Recently, he stopped responding when I would say I love you. Things have changed between us. I always felt that we would reunite and we were just taking things slow. I don’t know what happened but he is definitely pulling away even as my friend. I know that it is time to let go but it is very sad and painful I am praying to God how I should act in this relationship. I can’t believe that I have to ask that question with someone I love so much. I feel he does not know how to tell me (not a very good communicator) so he is just pulling away. He knows how I feel about him I guess I should just walk away right?

Dear Sweetheart,

I know how painful it feels when someone you love pulls away. That pain and fear causes you to search for reasons why its happening, believing if you figure it out you might be able to change the outcome. It sounds like you had someone very special in your life. He came at the right time and he actually knew what to do to take care of both of you.

You are very fortunate. Instead of rejecting you, he stood by you and helped you. He asked you to move at 10 months so he was not enabling you. Now you have 4 years sober. Wow! Now it appears he is moving on. It sounds like its time.

My biggest challenge in recovery has always been maintaining faith during a tough time. It’s easy to have faith when things are going my way, but do I still believe when things become painful?

This is a loss and it’s going to hurt. That’s ok. It’s ok to cry and to miss him. But, have faith that this is happening for a reason and for your highest good. It looks like he was placed in your life for your highest good and now it’s time to let him go for your highest good.

You knew the answer when you wrote to me. You titled the letter letting go; now its time to take your own advice. Make this a selfish time. Just be alone for a while, and become completely comfortable by yourself. You have changed a lot over the course of this relationship, and you’re still changing. When you’re ready, someone else will come into your life.  Get ready for him.

Love,

Dawn

I have been writing about relationship for several years now and have come to the understanding that all relationships stem from your relationship with God, or the Universe, or your higher power (or what ever you wish to call it). In other words, it’s your relationship with the world that dictates your personal relationships. If you live is faith, your relationship reflect faith, if you live in fear, your relationships reflect fear.

Ask yourself, if your relationships are based on fear or faith? If it’s fear you tend to try to change people so you can be happy. That is a silly task since its almost impossible to change another person. The fact that we want to change them usually results in their resistance.  And, to top it off we seldom are good judges at what’s going to make us happy. So if somehow we finally get to them to change, we quickly realize that wasn’t the problem, and look for something else that needs to change to make us happy.

By deepening our spirituality our relationships magically improve. Relationships that no longer serve us simply slip away, making room for new and better ones, which help us to strengthen our trust and faith. Marianne Williamson, bestselling spiritual teacher says in her book A Return to Love, “A relationship that is used by the Holy Spirit becomes a place where our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into out conscious awareness. Then we can see our dysfunctions clearly, and when we’re ready, ask God to show us another way.”

The “another way” is by even more spiritual growth. Every relationship is a relationship with our self. When we look for someone or something outside ourselves to make us happy, it selfdom works for very long. But when we look inside and deepen our relationship with God, we find a true happiness that is then reflected in our relationships.

Dear Dawn

When I was in my drinking days, I liked this girl and wanted to date her. We went out and everything went great and we decided to enter into a relationship with one another. We began drinking a lot together. We’d both blacked-out at times, etc. But to make a long story short after a year of dating she has broken up with me. However, she’s my biggest supporter and strength through my recovery. I feel as if it’s my fault and she blames me as well…During the relationship everything was good. But as soon as I got caught by the police and entered into sobriety court and going to IOP and such (getting sober) I filled with jealousy. I blamed her for cheating when I had no information to even back that up. I’d constantly feel as if she was cheating. I’d say things (manipulate) to dig out if she’s cheated or not. I’ve checked up on her…I have never done this in a relationship and I really don’t know what’s wrong with me….I really do love her and I miss her…yet I pushed her out the door. Any advice?

Dear Sweetheart,

Oh boy! Your behavior (although very painful looking back at it) is quite normal. Using drugs and alcohol “deadens” our emotions. Most of us will tell you we used so as not to feel. Therefore when we get into recovery, we begin to feel again. What we feel first are those old fears that caused us to use in the first place. The drugs and alcohol removed the fear. When we stop, the fear is there, but now it’s much bigger because we add in the guilt and shame from using.

That fear is what is causing your jealousy; the fear of losing what you have or not getting what you want. The fear that you are not good enough and she will either leave you for another, or worse play you for a fool by cheating. When you feel the fear, you react with jealousy. Your ego tells you that if you can catch her, it will somehow not hurt as much.

By staying in recovery, developing a spiritual program, and working on yourself. You can uncover the underlying beliefs that are causing the fears and heal them. By healing them, you can free yourself from their power over you. You may still feel jealous or afraid from time to time, but they won’t cause you to sabotage your relationship. Do the work on yourself, trust in God, be patient, and expect a miracle.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m a drunk, father and married to great women. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 18Yrs old I am now 48. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety and have been unemployed for the past 6 months because of layoffs after working at the same job for over 20 years. I come from a dysfunctional family, Dad was a drunk and has passed last year, and mother has been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 6years of age. I remember on time when she burnt my hands with matches for playing around with her cigarettes when I was 7 or 8 years old. She also loved to beat me with anything she could get her hands on when I was growing up. I was woken up once at night when I was 8Yrs old by my mother who was trying to stop my dad from raping her. My sister was born because of that rape and was later kicked out of the house at the age of 15 years old by my mother for having sex with her boy friend. The list goes on and on and I’ve tried to go to consoling and therapy, but nothing helps. I have nightmares that I’m back living with my mother. I started drinking again in July 2010 and just recently stopped in Sept. 2010 but the mental pain of depression and anxiety get the best of me every day, I take Cymbalta and xanax and that seems to help, but I do not want to get hooked again on drugs. I have no friends, not interested in sports like every other guy is and I always feel that I am less of a person and that everybody is better than me. I have very low esteem about myself. The only thing I’m good with is fixing computers, and I apply daily for jobs and call job recruiters daily. My wife avoids me because I’m always depressed and so do my kids. I really have no one I trust to talk too and when I go to AA meetings they depress me more and there is always someone that feels they have to tell me what to do and try to control my life. No one controls my life but god and my actions, but my prays are not being answered so I’m lost and want to kill myself. But I’m too chicken to get the job done. Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Sweetheart,

This is the toughest letter I have received. I am afraid not to respond, yet not sure of what to say. I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand how you feel. I have been in similar places myself, but each place is unique.

I can however provide you with some advice. I know something that can lessen your burden instantly and help you to feel better about your life and yourself. The question is if I told you what this key is would you actually pick it up? If I explained what to do, would you dismiss it or us it? I can only hope you give my suggestion a try.

There is one thing that works when all else fails. In fact this is the thing the Bill Wilson learned that started 12 step programs. Wonder what it is? Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. It can be a simply as giving someone a ride or talking to a homeless man. You can make some sandwiches and drive them down and feed people in need, or volunteer a habit for humanity.

Once I was driving down the road when it started to rain. An older woman was walking and getting wet, so I stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to risk getting it. It turned out she was trying to go to the grocery store. I was able to take her shopping and drive her back home with her groceries. Her gratitude and happiness instantly lifted the burden I had been carrying. Also, it turned out that she lived on my street, just a few buildings down. She continued to make me feel good because when I would see her she would wave and ask me in for tea.

I have to admit, I only gave her a ride because my sponsor had suggested that I help another person. And, I hate to admit it, but just like many things that are good for me, the minute I felt better I stopped doing the activity that made me feel better. Therefore, I have not continued to put myself out there as much as I would like. But I can tell you, I think if more people would just take a few moments to be kind to someone else, anti-depressant sales would plummet.

In addition to helping someone else, I would suggest asking for help for yourself. Get back to meetings and ask for help. Find a sponsor or mentor, someone whose life you admire and ask them how they did it. Then follow their directions. What you are feeling right now is temporary. There is a wonderful and amazing life beyond your wildest dreams out there waiting for you, if you dare work for it. I wish you only happiness.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am nearing a divorce with my husband of 23 years. He is 6 months sober but not thinking any differently. His alcoholism mostly caused financial neglect. I have stayed with him thru bankruptcy, IRS issues, and now a job loss. He has always been kind, attentive, and a good father. My therapist says leave. “Nice, attentiveness” is the easy stuff. He has been terribly reckless with my future. He is lingering, refusing to believe I’d end it and I feel paralyzed, not able to break away, be “cruel”. My head says he is a liability. Why is it so hard? I don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Afraid to say goodbye

Dear Afraid To Say Goodbye,

I am so sorry for your pain and frustration, I completely understand, this is a huge decision. You have spent a great deal of your life with this man, and that is probably why he doesn’t believe you. We tend to believe things will continue as they are. We find a level of comfort with the familiar even if it’s painful.

You said he is 6 months sober but not thinking differently, which is probably a very good assessment. Recovery takes some time, the thinking doesn’t really change until after working the steps. The spiritual awakening is a result of working all the 12 steps. So it does take some time.

You indicated he is sober, so I am going to assume he has a big book. That’s the Alcoholics Anonymous book. If so, I would like you to read a chapter called the Family Afterwards. I believe it may explain some of the things you are feeling right now. In addition, before you make any major changes, I would recommend attended a few Alanon meetings. These are people just like you that have been living with the pain of alcoholism for many years. There you will find help and guidance to make the best decision for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn