Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

I received an email last week from a woman who wanted advice on dating. She explained she had made bad choices in the past. In fact, her ex-husband is currently in jail. She went on to tell me that she has comes to term with her past and is ready to move forward. But she is worried about dating again. She is afraid she will get back into her old pattern of settling for less then she deserves.

            By simply writing the email, she is well on her way to a better life. Realizing the mistakes you have made in the past, helps you to not repeating them. She will think twice before accepting unacceptable behavior. She will also more likely stop when she finds herself trying to fix or take care of a man.

            She concluded her letter with asking for advice on dating. My advice on dating is threefold. First, you need to heal you past so you don’t keep repeating the same mistakes. Something she is already doing. Second, it’s important to love yourself. No one will treat you better than you treat yourself. So learn how to treat yourself well, by pampering yourself. Get a new hair cut or massage, do things that make you feel good. It’s also important to bolster your self-esteem by doing esteem-able things such as helping another person, or being kind and patient.

            Finally, before you ever think about a date, decide what you want for your life. It’s important to think about what you want in your future, where do you want to live, what do you want to do? Once you decide what you want in your life, then you need to decide the characteristics of the person you would like to be with. Remember, you want to find someone who will fit into your life. As women, we usually worry how we will fit in somebody else’s life. Once you know what you want in your life, than you will be able to spot him when he shows up. With a clear picture of what you want, you are less likely to settle for less than you deserve.

Dear Dawn,

It’s weird I’m in a relationship with a girl who loves me so dearly and would do anything for me but I treat her so poorly… I at time question our relationship make up crazy fights that I know that I’m wrong, try and get out of the relationship. I do care for this person but in my addiction I have spent so much time alone I fear that’s all that I am used to I don’t have many friends big crowds scare me I get jumpy very fast. Then I find this one girl who is beautiful and I don’t “want it” and at the same time it’s what I’m dying for. What is wrong with me?

Dear Sweetheart,

As I read your letter, I noticed that you said she loves you but you only care for her. Unless I am wrong, it sounds like she might love you more than you love her. In fact, I am not sure you do love her. If she is in love with you and you don’t feel the same that is going to make you both crazy.

Love feels wonderful, so we want to have it around. But love that is not reciprocated is painful for both people. You will feel guilty and she will feel cheated. You need to do some soul searching. If she is not who you want in your life, do the kindness most loving thing you can and let her go. It might hurt for a moment, but the sharp pain heals faster than the slow festering ache of not be true to each other.

If however, you realize she is what you want in your life, treat her well. Remind yourself when you find yourself picking fights that this is what you want in your life. When our anxiety builds up we can push people away in our search for relief. When you feel like that take some time for yourself in a loving way, by taking care of yourself and reassuring her.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I just don’t have enough time in to really appreciate the complexities of a serious relationship. Sure I love being in love, I’m a romantic and not ashamed of it. But when it comes down to the day to day comfortable relationship it all seems quite dull. How can a guy in my position find the right woman? I don’t think I could seriously get into a relationship with someone who is in recovery, but anyone outside of it will be wary of a guy with my alcoholic background, and rightfully so. I want to leave it in God’s hands, but I certainly have to do some of the work myself down here. I’ve met two women on this site all ready and they were ready to do more than fall in love, they wanted a total commitment from me, a guy they had never met face to face before. I can understand their lonely and have needs, so am I? I just can’t put my finger on how to have a special relationship with a woman, to have a soul mate, a life partner. It’s only really happened to me once before in my life and I screwed that up with my alcoholism. Will I ever get a second chance at true love? What do you think?

Hi Sweetheart,

When we are looking for a good relationship, the key to finding a healthy one is not needing one. It sounds ironic, but you can only truly be happy with someone, when you are happy alone. You made a keen observation; you said several women on this site wanted to have a committed relationship with you without even meeting you. Further you indicated this was probably stemming from loneliness rather than form a real desire to be in a relationship. Many people, myself included, have searched for a relationship expecting it to make us feel better.

In the beginning I would feel great, full of hope and promise. But after awhile I would grow bored and discontent. The reason was because the relationship was just a Band-Aid. It was a temporary diversion from my internal pain. The pain and uneasiness would always come back.

In order to find true love, I needed to do some internal work. True love can only be found when two whole people meet to share, not when two wounded people meet to take. Keep doing your work…prayer, journaling and meditation. Keep yourself open for a relationship, but stop searching. You asked if you would get a second chance at true love. The answer is no, you will get the first chance at real love.

Love,

Dawn

I would love for everyone to join me on a very exciting Valentine’s  weekend workshop.  Valentine’s Day is a romantic reminder of love, but it can also be a painful reminder of lack for people who are not in a relationship or are in the wrong relationship.

If you think you might be attracted to the wrong men, you don’t want to miss this free workshop. In the workshop will address:

• How to develop a health GPS (Guy Picking System).
• How to remove the blocks that are preventing you from finding the love.
• Provide you with concrete steps to figure out and find your true heart’s desire.

The workshop will be held:

Saturday February 12

10:00 am to 12:00pm

At:

Your Big Picture Café

 4900 S. University Dr

Davie, Fl 33314

If you have any questions please email me at dawnmaslar@yahoo.com. Hope to see you there.

Hi Dawn,

I’m in recovery 7 years next month. I have been in this unhealthy relationship for almost 2 years.  In the beginning he had good reasons to leave, but in the last few times he left he left me for no good reason.  I’m co dependent, and I’m deeply in love with him. I never want him to leave, so after 30 days of him being gone he calls tells me says he’s not going to leave me again.  He sounds so sincere, and I want to believe him, so I take him back, then he leaves again and I’m left hurting over and over. I feel like the monuments of pleasure are worth the pain, that’s so sick, every time I take him back I’m telling him it’s ok to treat me like this, it’s such a vicious cycle, HELP.

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you for having the courage to write me. I know this painful cycle because I have been in it. You spend days yearning for him, looking at your phone hoping he calls. You obsessively replay every moment you have with him, wondering what you can do differently. I bet you talk to anyone that will still listen about this relationship. You feel caught in a painful vicious cycle and want help.

You are not alone. Many beautiful, talented, and intelligent women get caught in this. You are right it is a vicious cycle, but there is help. I wrote an entire book on this (From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System)). In it I explain how to stop the madness, heal and finding the love you truly desire. I can’t explian everything here, but if you write me back and send me your address I will send you a copy free of charge. It is my gift to you. I was given a gift; I was shown the way out. I would love to now share that gift with you.

Also take a look at my television interview …Dawn Maslar TV Interview

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I have a question for you I am 43 soon to be 44, I have almost 3 years in recovery and I have been single all my life and want to find someone who I can spend time with where I   live. I have gone to meetings but didn’t get a lot out of them so I stopped going and that was my downfall but I have been alone for quite some time and I hate it I want to meet someone but I don’t know how to go about it and when I did go to meetings nobody talked to me I felt like an outsider and that’s why I quit going I don’t want to drink I just want to find someone that I can relate with and see where it goes can you give me advice on what I should do because I want to bettermyself and meet new people I just don’t know where to start I am a member of in the rooms and I have been in the chat rooms but is there other places here where I can meet someone.. Thank you

Signed,

Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you for writing to me. Your problem is not unique; our disease is the disease of loneliness. In fact, it tries to separates us from other people so we are more vulnerable. I know it’s tempting to think, “If I had a relationship it would be better.” But you are looking for a relationship to make you better. No one can do that for you.

However, if you work on yourself, that means going to meetings and developing friends and a fellowship, you will get better. Once your life becomes full and you start feeling better about yourself, you will naturally attract people into your life. But I am afraid you’re going to need to get out of your house. On line chat rooms are nice, but they are no substitute for human contact. Go back to meetings and introduce yourself. Raise your hand and tell them you are struggling and would like phone numbers…of women. Then start using them. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but there really is no short-cut to happiness. All of us have been looking for that most of our lives and it lead straight back here…in the rooms. Your sunshine is waiting,

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ve been in recovery for many years but would like to have a relationship with somebody. I do know guys at my AA group but am too shy to do anything about it. I’m also old fashioned and as a woman don’t make the first move. As I don’t rarely go to any social events how do I get to find someone? Thanks

Signed,

Looking

Dear Looking,

I am glad you understand yourself enough to know you don’t like to make the first move. I agree with that. I also believe that the man pursues the female. In fact, I would say that’s the man’s job. The woman’s job is to show receptivity. That means to show that she is available and interested.

There are several ways to show receptivity. One of the easiest is to smile. But this is not your normal smile; the receptivity smile involves holding the gaze for a few moments before turning away. That exact second tells the man that this is not just a friendly smile. Now, it’s up to him to pursue or not. If he doesn’t come up to talk to you the next course is to tell a mutual friend of your interest. Again, you indicate receptivity and then wait for him to pursue. If he doesn’t, it means he is not available or interested. Don’t waste any more time with him, it’s time to find someone else.

If there is no one available in your immediate environment, you will have to make yourself more available. This will require you to get out of your comfort zone and attend a few social activities. I am afraid if you really want a relationship you might have to meet him half way. Once you make a few attempts at change (even if it means just going to different meetings) you are sending out the message that you are ready. Go get a new haircut and put on an outfit that makes you feel pretty and try out your smile. Then you get to choose between all the potential suitors. Have fun!

Love,

Dawn

1. Being Too Picky – It is very important to understand what you want in a relationship, however, not everything you want should carry the same weight. For example, you might want a man with dark hair, but if a wonderful blonde showed up, you might want to reconsider. It’s important to have your top ten must haves and your top ten deal breakers. But if your list of must haves is actually five pages long, than you are too picky.  Consider what is most important to you and put the rest in the “would like but can live without” category.

2. Dating in the Dress – When you are sitting there at your first meeting over coffee and you are secretly trying on his last name you are dating in the wedding dress. When you ask about his five year plan and favorite names of children you are creating an air of desperation which can cause him to run. Much like a pushy salesperson may cause you to leave a store without making a purchase, a date that feels like a job interview may cause him to leave.

3. Telling All – If he knows every man who broke your heart before the check arrives on the first date, then you are telling too much. Men like mystery. Allow him to unwrap you like a present. During the first several dates, ask questions about him. Listen more than you talk. Allow him to ask you questions, but don’t feel like you have to answer them all.

4. Generalizing – When you are tempted to start a sentence with “all men ____,” you are generalizing. No one wants to be placed in a category. Imagine how you’d feel if a man you were dating started his sentences with “all women are              .” (Not too good, I imagine.) Everyone is unique; allow him the opportunity to show you what makes him unique.

5. Being Impatient – The date is over, you had a wonderful time, and you would really like to see him again. It’s only been two days and you find yourself sending him a text to just say “Hi.” If he responds well to this and schedules another date with you, are you standing at the door with hand on hip, demanding an explanation if he’s five minutes late? Are you calling his cell to see what’s keeping him?

We all like self-confident individuals. But when we lose self-confidence and give in to our fears, we are in danger of becoming impatient. When you are comfortable in the world, it’s much easier to be patient . . . which is one of the most attractive qualities a woman can have. (Look at Catherine Middleton, recently engaged to Prince William—British newspapers gave her the nickname “Waity Katey” for the patience she displayed in her long romance, but she had the last laugh—she’s engaged to her prince now. Patience paid off for Waity Katey!)