Dear Dawn,

Well you are a terrific looking woman …I am having great difficulty in motivating myself to actually break through and eh speak with women , especially ones I’m attracted to . Women friends of mine cant believe I am still single and have been for almost the 24 years I have been clean! They also notice I am very slow at picking up signals. I have a great attitude to life and believe I am a good man, any chance of getting me a date? YOURS in sunny OZ

Dear In Sunny Oz,

Well first of all thank you for such a sweet compliment! I can’t imagine you would have too much trouble with women. But, this is a common theme I hear from men. And, oh boy do I feel for you. It really is much easier being a woman. All we have to do send a little signal, and the man has to do the rest of the work.

So, now to your question…”any chance of getting me a date?” I guess with the name like Love In The Rooms, it does sound a little like a place to find love. I would so love to help you out, but I can’t on this one.

But maybe I can give you a little motivation. When I was doing sales, and also feared rejection, I would remind myself of a little quote form Zig Ziglar, the master salesmen. He liked to say, “don’t fear the no. Just remind yourself, that it takes ten ‘no’s’ to get to a ‘yes,’ therefore, each ‘no’ is getting your closer to your goal.”

We all want love. Fear is the opposite of love. Reach out with love and the fear losses every time. Thank you for writing and I wish you the best of luck!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 years. We seemed to be stuck in a rut. He comes over and spends the night on Wednesday and Saturday, but the rest of the week I never see him. He calls and text’s, but I want more. When I ask him about it, he says he’s just not ready yet. What can I do?

Signed,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I completely understand your frustration. After two years, we like to know were things are going. That’s only normal for a woman. The problem is that sometimes this can feel like pressure to a man. He knows you want more. The good thing is that is hasn’t left. That means he is still thinking about it.

I know it’s hard, but try to relax a little, or better yet, get busy. Start expanding your life. If he’s not available on Friday, start going out with friends and doing new things. Have fun! When he sees your not sitting at home fretting over your relationship, he will feel more at ease. He might also wonder what you are doing and want to come along. The point is to take the pressure off the relationship and see how it unfolds. I am sure you both will be pleasantly surprised.

Love,
Dawn

I believe that in every relationship we come together to help each other. Some people come into our lives to help us learn lessons, some people help us to grow spiritually, and some people simple love and support us. But intimate relationships are all about healing. When we attract a painful relationship, that is a sure sign that we have old wounds that need to be addressed. But even after we address those surface wounds, deeper down we will find more.
We all dream of the “happily ever after” relationship, the relationship that once we enter it will be wonderfully happy without having to do anything. The thought is once we find the perfect person, they will always love us no matter what and we don’t have to look at ourselves ever again.
Unfortunately (and I had to learn this the hard way) that’s not how life works. We are constantly growing and changing and we naturally attract partners to help us grow…usually by pushing our buttons. Yeah, that’s right! Our perfect partner is actually the person that upsets us the most. Because they are so close, they can see our wounds and they seem to like to poke at them and ask us “does that hurt?” Sometimes we respond back by poking at theirs, producing a painful power struggle.
This pain is spurring us forward on our spiritual path. I once heard a speaker explain that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. Without pain we tend to rest, we stop growing. In biology we call this equilibrium. We only achieve perfect equilibrium when we die. So in our quest to live we will naturally gravitate to situations that will helps us grow. It’s basic biology.
In the past, many of us responded to this push for growth by either running, either physically or through substances, hiding by isolating, or fighting against it. After a while our responses started causing us more pain than just simply growing.
The point is that each relationship is here for a lesson. We attract people to help us grow. When we realize that every relationship is for our benefit, to support our spiritual development, then and only then do we find our “happily ever after.”

Love,
Dawn

Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I met this guy at a meeting. He’s 26 I’m 32…we’ve been talking about having sex for the past 4 months. Neither one of us want a relationship, with our work obligations being the excuse. He’s been clean 7 years, me 3. I’ve never done the casual sex thing but have needs and want to experiment. I’m a little skeptical only because I’ve been told that no matter how much people say its just “sex” that there’s always some type of feeling involved. How true is this???

Signed,

Thinking Casual

Dear Thinking Casual,

Wow! Great question. I am so glad you asked me this. As a biologist, I can tell you men and women are different when it comes to sex. Now, I realize this is not news for most people, but just how different we are may be surprising to some.

A young man in his twenties produced about 300,000 sperm per minute, or about 400 million per day! As, you might imagine he has a great desire to get rid of them; therefore it’s a little easier for men to have “casual sex.” Women, on the other hand, have a natural desire for sex but we produce a hormone that can get is in trouble when it comes to casual sex.

When women have a uterine contraction such during an orgasm or childbirth she releases a hormone called oxytocin. This hormone causes bonding, which is important after giving birth, but not so great after casual sex.

What ends up happening is you decide to have sex with a logical mind clear of oxytocin, and then find yourself a few weeks late “in love” and wondering what happened? Well oxytocin happened.

So to answer your question…is there always some type of feelings involved? The answer is yes. If the sex is good and you have an orgasm, bonding emotions will follow. Hope that helps with you decision.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m in love with a man who is 9yrs sober and I’m 4yrs sober.  From the start of our relationship 6yrs ago, I was not honest I was using and he did not know. When the truth came out he was very supportive in seeing me get help, he loved me very much even though there was a lot of stealing and lying while I was active.  At 10 months sober he told me I had to find another place to live. I was devastated but I did so and have remained sober for the last 4yrs. my sobriety is the most important thing to me and I am very active in working the 12 steps of AA (recovery). We have remained friends and he has helped me get on my feet. We used to tell each other that we loved each other.  Recently, he stopped responding when I would say I love you. Things have changed between us. I always felt that we would reunite and we were just taking things slow. I don’t know what happened but he is definitely pulling away even as my friend. I know that it is time to let go but it is very sad and painful I am praying to God how I should act in this relationship. I can’t believe that I have to ask that question with someone I love so much. I feel he does not know how to tell me (not a very good communicator) so he is just pulling away. He knows how I feel about him I guess I should just walk away right?

Dear Sweetheart,

I know how painful it feels when someone you love pulls away. That pain and fear causes you to search for reasons why its happening, believing if you figure it out you might be able to change the outcome. It sounds like you had someone very special in your life. He came at the right time and he actually knew what to do to take care of both of you.

You are very fortunate. Instead of rejecting you, he stood by you and helped you. He asked you to move at 10 months so he was not enabling you. Now you have 4 years sober. Wow! Now it appears he is moving on. It sounds like its time.

My biggest challenge in recovery has always been maintaining faith during a tough time. It’s easy to have faith when things are going my way, but do I still believe when things become painful?

This is a loss and it’s going to hurt. That’s ok. It’s ok to cry and to miss him. But, have faith that this is happening for a reason and for your highest good. It looks like he was placed in your life for your highest good and now it’s time to let him go for your highest good.

You knew the answer when you wrote to me. You titled the letter letting go; now its time to take your own advice. Make this a selfish time. Just be alone for a while, and become completely comfortable by yourself. You have changed a lot over the course of this relationship, and you’re still changing. When you’re ready, someone else will come into your life.  Get ready for him.

Love,

Dawn

One of this summer’s a new movies is titled Friends With Benefits. The premise behind the romantic comedy is that two emotionally damaged people decide to have a sex only relationship. The idea is that they will have a strictly physical relationship and avoid any emotional entanglement. One of those ideas that sounds better on paper than practice.

The problem with a sex only relationship is that is starts out physically but ends emotionally. The issue is our biology. Both sexes complicate sex only relationships, but a woman is more prone to becoming emotional, particularly is the sex is good. It’s rather ironic; if you have good sex, expect emotion. However, if you have bad sex, you are less at risk and can keep going. But than again what would be the point?

When a woman has an orgasm, her body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone released during the contraction of the uterus, such as an orgasm, or as in childbirth. One of the effects this hormone has is bonding, a very important reaction after just giving birth. Not a very good side effect if you are trying to have meaningless sex. Therefore, once an organism occurs, emotions follow.

One of the definitions of benefit is something that promotes well-being.  So, if you find yourself tempted about having meaningless sex with someone, ask yourself this question. Will this really be a benefit? Will this really promote genuine well-being?

I have been writing about relationship for several years now and have come to the understanding that all relationships stem from your relationship with God, or the Universe, or your higher power (or what ever you wish to call it). In other words, it’s your relationship with the world that dictates your personal relationships. If you live is faith, your relationship reflect faith, if you live in fear, your relationships reflect fear.

Ask yourself, if your relationships are based on fear or faith? If it’s fear you tend to try to change people so you can be happy. That is a silly task since its almost impossible to change another person. The fact that we want to change them usually results in their resistance.  And, to top it off we seldom are good judges at what’s going to make us happy. So if somehow we finally get to them to change, we quickly realize that wasn’t the problem, and look for something else that needs to change to make us happy.

By deepening our spirituality our relationships magically improve. Relationships that no longer serve us simply slip away, making room for new and better ones, which help us to strengthen our trust and faith. Marianne Williamson, bestselling spiritual teacher says in her book A Return to Love, “A relationship that is used by the Holy Spirit becomes a place where our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into out conscious awareness. Then we can see our dysfunctions clearly, and when we’re ready, ask God to show us another way.”

The “another way” is by even more spiritual growth. Every relationship is a relationship with our self. When we look for someone or something outside ourselves to make us happy, it selfdom works for very long. But when we look inside and deepen our relationship with God, we find a true happiness that is then reflected in our relationships.

Five Sisters – A Spiritual Journey

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Miami, FL 33176
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