Dear Dawn, I know you are a biologist and therefore believe in nature and the oxytocin connection rather than nurture. I believe in both. Either way, my question is really is there a possibility of friendship after a sexual relationship or not and how do gender differences figure in that equation? Thanks! Nancy

Hi Nancy,

What a great question! And, yes as a biologist I am very attuned to the oxytocin connection. When a female has sex and achieves orgasm (which of course we all hope to do) she will release oxytocin. This is a hormone that produces bonding. She will typically have warm regards for the person who gave her the orgasm.

Now your question is can you be friends afterwards? Yes, of course. But the big factor here is time. The oxytocin will eventually wear off. You might have noticed this if you ever meet an old flame after a couple of years. Sometimes you can walk away from a reunion wondering what you ever saw in them. Your oxytocin has definitely worn off.

Like yourself, I believe in both nature and nurture. So the real answer to your question is what is happening in the relationship? For example, if you maintain the relationship because he is the father of your children and it has turned into a friendship, I think that’s fabulous. However, if the relationship is preventing you from moving on and finding a healthy relationship, than you are better off without it.

Only you can decide if a relationship is for your highest good. One way to help you figure this out; is to sit down in your meditation as ask yourself the question…is this relationship love-based or fear-based. A fear-based relationship is one where you are afraid to be alone. A love-based relationship is one where you want the highest spiritual good for both people. If you determine that it is a love-based relationship, then congratulations! You have a healthy wonderful friendship!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi, I’ve been on recovery for over 6 months. I’m really proud of myself and feel fantastic. I see and know many couples, and I wish I had someone to share my life with. However, when I really give it some thought-I immediately feel exhausted-relationships are a lot of work and there are many concessions one has to make. I was married for 20 yrs.-to the king of emotional abuse-who had me doubt my perceptions-he was a deceitful sneaky guy. To add insult to injury-he was a banker-yep! He screwed me royally in the end-but I am so happy to be free of him-it was worth every dollar I was duped out of. Much as I would like to share my life (I’ve been in several relationships since my divorce) I just can’t find a guy who fits my criteria-he very 1st time catch him lying to me-he’s out. I’m 57 yet I’m told-and I work hard at it-look 10-15 yrs. younger. At this stage of life a woman becomes either “a nurse or a purse” I am NO ONE”S NURSE OR PURSE! This is the 1st time in my life that I live alone and I LOVE it! I can do anything I want-or do nothing-I’m free. Is their something wrong preferring NOT to be in a relationship? Are there any men out there who can be trusted if so-how many? Do I need therapy because I don’t trust men-actually I don’t like them very much either. Is there any hope for me, or am I destined to end my days living with my cat? PLS help- Lady with a cat

Dear Lady with a cat,

Congratulations on your new life. You sound happy and excited about the next chapter. So let’s get busy so you can enjoy it. You have a wonderful opportunity to move on to the next loving level of your life. It sounds like you have learned some great lessons, including recovery. There is a saying in recovery to wait until after the 1st year to begin a relationship, this maybe a good idea for you, since it sounds like you have a lot of healing to do. The loss of a 20 year marriage is a big deal and to throw on top of it emotional abuse.

First, I hope you have a great sponsor to help you through the steps. Working out the issues of the marriage will be critical to do before you get into a new relationship. The tragedy that many people find themselves in, is escaping a bad relationship, only to find themselves in a similar relationship because they failed to do the healing work. The healing work is recognizing that everything that happened in your life was for a reason and for your own good. Once you can accept the things not only happened, but also find the blessing in them, than will you be truly heal. This is not an easy thing to do, but acceptance and forgiveness is key.

You said something in your letter that is a little scary. You said at your age a woman becomes either a nurse or a purse. Although that’s a very cute saying, it could be an insidious thought. Your thoughts are constructive, so what you believe you achieve. For example, if your belief is all men cheat. You will end up only meeting men that cheat because your mind only picks out the things it resonates with. The good news is that positive affirmations can help. Affirmations such as “I only attract healthy, self-supporting men with integrity” will help you to rewrite that old belief.

Your question was do I need a therapist because I don’t like men. If that’s what you truly believe – that you don’t like men. But, you want a relationship, it sounds like a therapist might be in order. You can do the work yourself, but a therapist can help speed up the process and keep you on the right track. You are going through a wonderful growth period in your life, a time to reevaluate and to decide what is important and what you truly want. Enjoy the process and I guarantee you wouldn’t end your days living with your cat, if you don’t want to.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m in love with a man who is 9yrs sober and I’m 4yrs sober.  From the start of our relationship 6yrs ago, I was not honest I was using and he did not know. When the truth came out he was very supportive in seeing me get help, he loved me very much even though there was a lot of stealing and lying while I was active.  At 10 months sober he told me I had to find another place to live. I was devastated but I did so and have remained sober for the last 4yrs. my sobriety is the most important thing to me and I am very active in working the 12 steps of AA (recovery). We have remained friends and he has helped me get on my feet. We used to tell each other that we loved each other.  Recently, he stopped responding when I would say I love you. Things have changed between us. I always felt that we would reunite and we were just taking things slow. I don’t know what happened but he is definitely pulling away even as my friend. I know that it is time to let go but it is very sad and painful I am praying to God how I should act in this relationship. I can’t believe that I have to ask that question with someone I love so much. I feel he does not know how to tell me (not a very good communicator) so he is just pulling away. He knows how I feel about him I guess I should just walk away right?

Dear Sweetheart,

I know how painful it feels when someone you love pulls away. That pain and fear causes you to search for reasons why its happening, believing if you figure it out you might be able to change the outcome. It sounds like you had someone very special in your life. He came at the right time and he actually knew what to do to take care of both of you.

You are very fortunate. Instead of rejecting you, he stood by you and helped you. He asked you to move at 10 months so he was not enabling you. Now you have 4 years sober. Wow! Now it appears he is moving on. It sounds like its time.

My biggest challenge in recovery has always been maintaining faith during a tough time. It’s easy to have faith when things are going my way, but do I still believe when things become painful?

This is a loss and it’s going to hurt. That’s ok. It’s ok to cry and to miss him. But, have faith that this is happening for a reason and for your highest good. It looks like he was placed in your life for your highest good and now it’s time to let him go for your highest good.

You knew the answer when you wrote to me. You titled the letter letting go; now its time to take your own advice. Make this a selfish time. Just be alone for a while, and become completely comfortable by yourself. You have changed a lot over the course of this relationship, and you’re still changing. When you’re ready, someone else will come into your life.  Get ready for him.

Love,

Dawn

One of this summer’s a new movies is titled Friends With Benefits. The premise behind the romantic comedy is that two emotionally damaged people decide to have a sex only relationship. The idea is that they will have a strictly physical relationship and avoid any emotional entanglement. One of those ideas that sounds better on paper than practice.

The problem with a sex only relationship is that is starts out physically but ends emotionally. The issue is our biology. Both sexes complicate sex only relationships, but a woman is more prone to becoming emotional, particularly is the sex is good. It’s rather ironic; if you have good sex, expect emotion. However, if you have bad sex, you are less at risk and can keep going. But than again what would be the point?

When a woman has an orgasm, her body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone released during the contraction of the uterus, such as an orgasm, or as in childbirth. One of the effects this hormone has is bonding, a very important reaction after just giving birth. Not a very good side effect if you are trying to have meaningless sex. Therefore, once an organism occurs, emotions follow.

One of the definitions of benefit is something that promotes well-being.  So, if you find yourself tempted about having meaningless sex with someone, ask yourself this question. Will this really be a benefit? Will this really promote genuine well-being?

Dear Dawn,

 After several years of lot of arguing, I decided to break the chain of being his whipping post, so to speak. But, I do find myself hurting inside. How can I stop from hurting so much within my own skin?

 My Dear Sweet Child,

First I want to commend you on making this big step. Making a change, even a healthy one can be very difficult. I am so happy that you taking care of yourself.

The reason why change is so difficult is that it can cause pain. Any loss must be grieved. That’s the bad news. The good news is that this feeling is temporary. It hurts, but once you get through it you will find a much greater happiness and peace of mind. Unfortunately the only way to the other side it to go through it.

There are things you can do to make the process easier. First, be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a dear friend who was going through a loss. Take yourself out and pamper yourself. Maybe treat yourself to a massage or pedicure. Take hot baths, drink tea and read a good book. Let yourself cry and realize that this will pass. And, don’t forget to reach out to your friends, often during these times we like to isolate.

One of the best ways to ward off feeling of being lonely or depressed is to help someone else. Give rides if you have a car, lend an ear to someone, anything to get you out of your own head. When you focus on someone else, it takes your mind of your own pain for a little while.

I am so happy that you have taken this step for yourself. There is a saying that would give me comfort during trying times in my life. The saying goes, “If you want to discover new lands, you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.” In other words, growth takes risk. If you want to find a world beyond your wildest dreams, you must be willing to break away from your uncomfortable comfort zone. You have done that, just keep going, you are almost there.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Nearly 6 months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years due to his problems with alcohol and drugs. About 3 weeks after the break up I was asked out by a friend, who I had known for a few years and liked a lot, but that lasted only 4 months (he also has alcohol and gambling problems). Now I’m on my own again and really trying to put the pieces back together, but I’m finding it really hard to let my long-term boyfriend go. I know he is an alcoholic and drug user but I find myself thinking about the good things we did share and I feel really sad that it has to be this way. I know that I have done the right thing for my own sanity but it’s hard to move on. Although I’m not with this man anymore do you think Alanon would help me???

Dear Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know you are hurting, but this is normal and needed. You are grieving. By going out with the other guy you were hoping to avoid the grieving process by jumping into another relationship. This doesn’t work and the relationship usually dissolved in a few short months, as you discovered.

So now that your “savior” relationship is over, you find yourself thinking about your ex. Sometimes we go back to the relationship because we think this must be love, but it’s just your mind wanting closure. Alanon can help, but only if you focus on yourself and not him.

I would like you to try this exercise. Instead of thinking about him and what you both had, I want you to think about you and what you want. I want you to write down how you want your life to be in the future without putting a specific man in it. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do, do you want kids, a garden, or pets? Write down everything.

Once you figure out what you want in your life, now write down the characteristics of the relationship that you want to fit into that life. Create a sheet with four columns. In the first write down your “must haves,” in the second write down your “would likes,” and in the third write down your “negotiable” those are the characteristics that are not that important to you. In the final column write down the “deal breakers,” the deal breakers are those things that if he has you don’t want a relationship with him, such as an active alcoholic.

Once you have it all down on paper, that a look. Does your ex fit with what you really want in your life? I would guess not since you broke up because of his addictions. Now the next time you find yourself pining over your ex, pull out the list. Remind yourself, you deserve better in your life. Then, go take a hot bath, call a friend or read an inspirational book (such as From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire). Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry and grieve the lost of the relationship. But at the same time reaffirm that you deserve better. In fact, your desire for better is God given. There is something better out there waiting for you to be ready to accept it.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

It’s weird I’m in a relationship with a girl who loves me so dearly and would do anything for me but I treat her so poorly… I at time question our relationship make up crazy fights that I know that I’m wrong, try and get out of the relationship. I do care for this person but in my addiction I have spent so much time alone I fear that’s all that I am used to I don’t have many friends big crowds scare me I get jumpy very fast. Then I find this one girl who is beautiful and I don’t “want it” and at the same time it’s what I’m dying for. What is wrong with me?

Dear Sweetheart,

As I read your letter, I noticed that you said she loves you but you only care for her. Unless I am wrong, it sounds like she might love you more than you love her. In fact, I am not sure you do love her. If she is in love with you and you don’t feel the same that is going to make you both crazy.

Love feels wonderful, so we want to have it around. But love that is not reciprocated is painful for both people. You will feel guilty and she will feel cheated. You need to do some soul searching. If she is not who you want in your life, do the kindness most loving thing you can and let her go. It might hurt for a moment, but the sharp pain heals faster than the slow festering ache of not be true to each other.

If however, you realize she is what you want in your life, treat her well. Remind yourself when you find yourself picking fights that this is what you want in your life. When our anxiety builds up we can push people away in our search for relief. When you feel like that take some time for yourself in a loving way, by taking care of yourself and reassuring her.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

I would love for everyone to join me on a very exciting Valentine’s  weekend workshop.  Valentine’s Day is a romantic reminder of love, but it can also be a painful reminder of lack for people who are not in a relationship or are in the wrong relationship.

If you think you might be attracted to the wrong men, you don’t want to miss this free workshop. In the workshop will address:

• How to develop a health GPS (Guy Picking System).
• How to remove the blocks that are preventing you from finding the love.
• Provide you with concrete steps to figure out and find your true heart’s desire.

The workshop will be held:

Saturday February 12

10:00 am to 12:00pm

At:

Your Big Picture Café

 4900 S. University Dr

Davie, Fl 33314

If you have any questions please email me at dawnmaslar@yahoo.com. Hope to see you there.