Dear Dawn,

I’m in love with a man who is 9yrs sober and I’m 4yrs sober.  From the start of our relationship 6yrs ago, I was not honest I was using and he did not know. When the truth came out he was very supportive in seeing me get help, he loved me very much even though there was a lot of stealing and lying while I was active.  At 10 months sober he told me I had to find another place to live. I was devastated but I did so and have remained sober for the last 4yrs. my sobriety is the most important thing to me and I am very active in working the 12 steps of AA (recovery). We have remained friends and he has helped me get on my feet. We used to tell each other that we loved each other.  Recently, he stopped responding when I would say I love you. Things have changed between us. I always felt that we would reunite and we were just taking things slow. I don’t know what happened but he is definitely pulling away even as my friend. I know that it is time to let go but it is very sad and painful I am praying to God how I should act in this relationship. I can’t believe that I have to ask that question with someone I love so much. I feel he does not know how to tell me (not a very good communicator) so he is just pulling away. He knows how I feel about him I guess I should just walk away right?

Dear Sweetheart,

I know how painful it feels when someone you love pulls away. That pain and fear causes you to search for reasons why its happening, believing if you figure it out you might be able to change the outcome. It sounds like you had someone very special in your life. He came at the right time and he actually knew what to do to take care of both of you.

You are very fortunate. Instead of rejecting you, he stood by you and helped you. He asked you to move at 10 months so he was not enabling you. Now you have 4 years sober. Wow! Now it appears he is moving on. It sounds like its time.

My biggest challenge in recovery has always been maintaining faith during a tough time. It’s easy to have faith when things are going my way, but do I still believe when things become painful?

This is a loss and it’s going to hurt. That’s ok. It’s ok to cry and to miss him. But, have faith that this is happening for a reason and for your highest good. It looks like he was placed in your life for your highest good and now it’s time to let him go for your highest good.

You knew the answer when you wrote to me. You titled the letter letting go; now its time to take your own advice. Make this a selfish time. Just be alone for a while, and become completely comfortable by yourself. You have changed a lot over the course of this relationship, and you’re still changing. When you’re ready, someone else will come into your life.  Get ready for him.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I just don’t have enough time in to really appreciate the complexities of a serious relationship. Sure I love being in love, I’m a romantic and not ashamed of it. But when it comes down to the day to day comfortable relationship it all seems quite dull. How can a guy in my position find the right woman? I don’t think I could seriously get into a relationship with someone who is in recovery, but anyone outside of it will be wary of a guy with my alcoholic background, and rightfully so. I want to leave it in God’s hands, but I certainly have to do some of the work myself down here. I’ve met two women on this site all ready and they were ready to do more than fall in love, they wanted a total commitment from me, a guy they had never met face to face before. I can understand their lonely and have needs, so am I? I just can’t put my finger on how to have a special relationship with a woman, to have a soul mate, a life partner. It’s only really happened to me once before in my life and I screwed that up with my alcoholism. Will I ever get a second chance at true love? What do you think?

Hi Sweetheart,

When we are looking for a good relationship, the key to finding a healthy one is not needing one. It sounds ironic, but you can only truly be happy with someone, when you are happy alone. You made a keen observation; you said several women on this site wanted to have a committed relationship with you without even meeting you. Further you indicated this was probably stemming from loneliness rather than form a real desire to be in a relationship. Many people, myself included, have searched for a relationship expecting it to make us feel better.

In the beginning I would feel great, full of hope and promise. But after awhile I would grow bored and discontent. The reason was because the relationship was just a Band-Aid. It was a temporary diversion from my internal pain. The pain and uneasiness would always come back.

In order to find true love, I needed to do some internal work. True love can only be found when two whole people meet to share, not when two wounded people meet to take. Keep doing your work…prayer, journaling and meditation. Keep yourself open for a relationship, but stop searching. You asked if you would get a second chance at true love. The answer is no, you will get the first chance at real love.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I have a question for you I am 43 soon to be 44, I have almost 3 years in recovery and I have been single all my life and want to find someone who I can spend time with where I   live. I have gone to meetings but didn’t get a lot out of them so I stopped going and that was my downfall but I have been alone for quite some time and I hate it I want to meet someone but I don’t know how to go about it and when I did go to meetings nobody talked to me I felt like an outsider and that’s why I quit going I don’t want to drink I just want to find someone that I can relate with and see where it goes can you give me advice on what I should do because I want to bettermyself and meet new people I just don’t know where to start I am a member of in the rooms and I have been in the chat rooms but is there other places here where I can meet someone.. Thank you

Signed,

Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you for writing to me. Your problem is not unique; our disease is the disease of loneliness. In fact, it tries to separates us from other people so we are more vulnerable. I know it’s tempting to think, “If I had a relationship it would be better.” But you are looking for a relationship to make you better. No one can do that for you.

However, if you work on yourself, that means going to meetings and developing friends and a fellowship, you will get better. Once your life becomes full and you start feeling better about yourself, you will naturally attract people into your life. But I am afraid you’re going to need to get out of your house. On line chat rooms are nice, but they are no substitute for human contact. Go back to meetings and introduce yourself. Raise your hand and tell them you are struggling and would like phone numbers…of women. Then start using them. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but there really is no short-cut to happiness. All of us have been looking for that most of our lives and it lead straight back here…in the rooms. Your sunshine is waiting,

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I have been out of recovery for awhile now, I am back in and I have been clean for 1 month today. I really don’t think about using, it’s the living on life’s terms that gets me. I go to church and I love it.  But I need meetings also and my family doesn’t think they help, they believe I just go there to find other addicts and get high. Which I have in the past. I am 46 years old I have been trying to stay clean all my life but I end up relapsing and in and out of I don’t know how many treatment centers. Can you give me some advice on what I need to do?

Thanks,

Signed Not Sure What to do

Dear Not Sure what to Do,

I wish I had the magical words for you. I really wish I had the magical cure that could make everything better. The words that could keep you clean and restore your families trust in you. But I don’t.

What I can tell you is that the majority of the people that walk into recovery end up walking back out. Even though they are in pain, even though it’s obvious they need the 12 steps, even though they might die, they say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You see, this program is not for people that need it; it’s for people that want it. I can only hope that God gives you that special gift he gave me. It’s the gift of desperation.   

The old timers would tell their stories in an effort to raise the bottom. They hoped if you can identify with what they had been through prior to their bottom that you might not have to ride all the way down. Go to lots of meetings until you find someone who you can identify with, then ask them for help. Do exactly as they tell you, especially if you don’t want to.

I am going to wish you what they wished me when I came in. When I first heard it I thought it was cruel, but now I understand. My dear I wish you a long slow recovery. Don’t get well too soon, stay green and desperate.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m a drunk, father and married to great women. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 18Yrs old I am now 48. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety and have been unemployed for the past 6 months because of layoffs after working at the same job for over 20 years. I come from a dysfunctional family, Dad was a drunk and has passed last year, and mother has been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 6years of age. I remember on time when she burnt my hands with matches for playing around with her cigarettes when I was 7 or 8 years old. She also loved to beat me with anything she could get her hands on when I was growing up. I was woken up once at night when I was 8Yrs old by my mother who was trying to stop my dad from raping her. My sister was born because of that rape and was later kicked out of the house at the age of 15 years old by my mother for having sex with her boy friend. The list goes on and on and I’ve tried to go to consoling and therapy, but nothing helps. I have nightmares that I’m back living with my mother. I started drinking again in July 2010 and just recently stopped in Sept. 2010 but the mental pain of depression and anxiety get the best of me every day, I take Cymbalta and xanax and that seems to help, but I do not want to get hooked again on drugs. I have no friends, not interested in sports like every other guy is and I always feel that I am less of a person and that everybody is better than me. I have very low esteem about myself. The only thing I’m good with is fixing computers, and I apply daily for jobs and call job recruiters daily. My wife avoids me because I’m always depressed and so do my kids. I really have no one I trust to talk too and when I go to AA meetings they depress me more and there is always someone that feels they have to tell me what to do and try to control my life. No one controls my life but god and my actions, but my prays are not being answered so I’m lost and want to kill myself. But I’m too chicken to get the job done. Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Sweetheart,

This is the toughest letter I have received. I am afraid not to respond, yet not sure of what to say. I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand how you feel. I have been in similar places myself, but each place is unique.

I can however provide you with some advice. I know something that can lessen your burden instantly and help you to feel better about your life and yourself. The question is if I told you what this key is would you actually pick it up? If I explained what to do, would you dismiss it or us it? I can only hope you give my suggestion a try.

There is one thing that works when all else fails. In fact this is the thing the Bill Wilson learned that started 12 step programs. Wonder what it is? Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. It can be a simply as giving someone a ride or talking to a homeless man. You can make some sandwiches and drive them down and feed people in need, or volunteer a habit for humanity.

Once I was driving down the road when it started to rain. An older woman was walking and getting wet, so I stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to risk getting it. It turned out she was trying to go to the grocery store. I was able to take her shopping and drive her back home with her groceries. Her gratitude and happiness instantly lifted the burden I had been carrying. Also, it turned out that she lived on my street, just a few buildings down. She continued to make me feel good because when I would see her she would wave and ask me in for tea.

I have to admit, I only gave her a ride because my sponsor had suggested that I help another person. And, I hate to admit it, but just like many things that are good for me, the minute I felt better I stopped doing the activity that made me feel better. Therefore, I have not continued to put myself out there as much as I would like. But I can tell you, I think if more people would just take a few moments to be kind to someone else, anti-depressant sales would plummet.

In addition to helping someone else, I would suggest asking for help for yourself. Get back to meetings and ask for help. Find a sponsor or mentor, someone whose life you admire and ask them how they did it. Then follow their directions. What you are feeling right now is temporary. There is a wonderful and amazing life beyond your wildest dreams out there waiting for you, if you dare work for it. I wish you only happiness.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am nearing a divorce with my husband of 23 years. He is 6 months sober but not thinking any differently. His alcoholism mostly caused financial neglect. I have stayed with him thru bankruptcy, IRS issues, and now a job loss. He has always been kind, attentive, and a good father. My therapist says leave. “Nice, attentiveness” is the easy stuff. He has been terribly reckless with my future. He is lingering, refusing to believe I’d end it and I feel paralyzed, not able to break away, be “cruel”. My head says he is a liability. Why is it so hard? I don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Afraid to say goodbye

Dear Afraid To Say Goodbye,

I am so sorry for your pain and frustration, I completely understand, this is a huge decision. You have spent a great deal of your life with this man, and that is probably why he doesn’t believe you. We tend to believe things will continue as they are. We find a level of comfort with the familiar even if it’s painful.

You said he is 6 months sober but not thinking differently, which is probably a very good assessment. Recovery takes some time, the thinking doesn’t really change until after working the steps. The spiritual awakening is a result of working all the 12 steps. So it does take some time.

You indicated he is sober, so I am going to assume he has a big book. That’s the Alcoholics Anonymous book. If so, I would like you to read a chapter called the Family Afterwards. I believe it may explain some of the things you are feeling right now. In addition, before you make any major changes, I would recommend attended a few Alanon meetings. These are people just like you that have been living with the pain of alcoholism for many years. There you will find help and guidance to make the best decision for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am most definitely an addict. I used for at least 20 years. When I decided to quit I made the mistake of thinking I could drink. This is something I’m sure many of us have told ourselves. Where I live the closest N.A. meeting is 50 miles away, but there are A.A. meetings every day. I have been going to the AA meetings and get quite a bit out of them. My problem is I feel if I tell my whole story nobody would really understand being that a huge part of my life I was addicted to drugs. Should I just give up going to AA and try my best to go to NA meetings when I can or continue and hope maybe I’ll find someone there who is an alcoholic addict like me?

Dear Sweetheart,

I realize what I am about to say may be criticized by some people but the truth is once you get past the first step all the steps are basically the same. You can take the first step and put in alcohol, or drugs, or food, or even relationships. The point of the steps is to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. If an AA meeting that you can get to is much preferable to an NA meeting you can’t. By the way, most people in an AA meeting short of a few really old timers have used drugs. The 60’s (sex, drugs and rock and roll) was 50 years ago. Just be respectful when you tell your story in a meeting. Leave the drug details for your sponsor. You are not alone. Welcome.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I was wondering how many sponsees you can take on without being too much??

Signed Wondering

Dear Wondering,

 This is an interesting question. I am afraid my answer might be frustrating to you but here it is…it depends. A lot of factors come into play with this question. For example, I can easily see a retired guy with over 30 years having a bunch of sponsees with lots of time. On the other hand, I can also see a young mother with two kids that works full-time having difficulties handling one new comer.

            The rule of thumb is that the newer the sponsee the more time they need. Then we need to look at the sponsor and what’s going on in their life. When I was going through my divorce I had several sponsee’s under 6 months. I was taught that when I am going through a tough time that I need to get out of myself and help someone else.

            The important thing is how many is right for you? You need to be fair to yourself and check your motives. Some people like lots of sponsees for the accolades and some don’t want any sponsees because they are selfish with their time. But, there is a lot of room in the middle.  The most rewarding thing you can ever do in your life is help someone in utter despair become happily, whole and free of addiction.

 Love,

Dawn