I believe that in every relationship we come together to help each other. Some people come into our lives to help us learn lessons, some people help us to grow spiritually, and some people simple love and support us. But intimate relationships are all about healing. When we attract a painful relationship, that is a sure sign that we have old wounds that need to be addressed. But even after we address those surface wounds, deeper down we will find more.
We all dream of the “happily ever after” relationship, the relationship that once we enter it will be wonderfully happy without having to do anything. The thought is once we find the perfect person, they will always love us no matter what and we don’t have to look at ourselves ever again.
Unfortunately (and I had to learn this the hard way) that’s not how life works. We are constantly growing and changing and we naturally attract partners to help us grow…usually by pushing our buttons. Yeah, that’s right! Our perfect partner is actually the person that upsets us the most. Because they are so close, they can see our wounds and they seem to like to poke at them and ask us “does that hurt?” Sometimes we respond back by poking at theirs, producing a painful power struggle.
This pain is spurring us forward on our spiritual path. I once heard a speaker explain that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. Without pain we tend to rest, we stop growing. In biology we call this equilibrium. We only achieve perfect equilibrium when we die. So in our quest to live we will naturally gravitate to situations that will helps us grow. It’s basic biology.
In the past, many of us responded to this push for growth by either running, either physically or through substances, hiding by isolating, or fighting against it. After a while our responses started causing us more pain than just simply growing.
The point is that each relationship is here for a lesson. We attract people to help us grow. When we realize that every relationship is for our benefit, to support our spiritual development, then and only then do we find our “happily ever after.”

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn, I know you are a biologist and therefore believe in nature and the oxytocin connection rather than nurture. I believe in both. Either way, my question is really is there a possibility of friendship after a sexual relationship or not and how do gender differences figure in that equation? Thanks! Nancy

Hi Nancy,

What a great question! And, yes as a biologist I am very attuned to the oxytocin connection. When a female has sex and achieves orgasm (which of course we all hope to do) she will release oxytocin. This is a hormone that produces bonding. She will typically have warm regards for the person who gave her the orgasm.

Now your question is can you be friends afterwards? Yes, of course. But the big factor here is time. The oxytocin will eventually wear off. You might have noticed this if you ever meet an old flame after a couple of years. Sometimes you can walk away from a reunion wondering what you ever saw in them. Your oxytocin has definitely worn off.

Like yourself, I believe in both nature and nurture. So the real answer to your question is what is happening in the relationship? For example, if you maintain the relationship because he is the father of your children and it has turned into a friendship, I think that’s fabulous. However, if the relationship is preventing you from moving on and finding a healthy relationship, than you are better off without it.

Only you can decide if a relationship is for your highest good. One way to help you figure this out; is to sit down in your meditation as ask yourself the question…is this relationship love-based or fear-based. A fear-based relationship is one where you are afraid to be alone. A love-based relationship is one where you want the highest spiritual good for both people. If you determine that it is a love-based relationship, then congratulations! You have a healthy wonderful friendship!

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi, I’ve been on recovery for over 6 months. I’m really proud of myself and feel fantastic. I see and know many couples, and I wish I had someone to share my life with. However, when I really give it some thought-I immediately feel exhausted-relationships are a lot of work and there are many concessions one has to make. I was married for 20 yrs.-to the king of emotional abuse-who had me doubt my perceptions-he was a deceitful sneaky guy. To add insult to injury-he was a banker-yep! He screwed me royally in the end-but I am so happy to be free of him-it was worth every dollar I was duped out of. Much as I would like to share my life (I’ve been in several relationships since my divorce) I just can’t find a guy who fits my criteria-he very 1st time catch him lying to me-he’s out. I’m 57 yet I’m told-and I work hard at it-look 10-15 yrs. younger. At this stage of life a woman becomes either “a nurse or a purse” I am NO ONE”S NURSE OR PURSE! This is the 1st time in my life that I live alone and I LOVE it! I can do anything I want-or do nothing-I’m free. Is their something wrong preferring NOT to be in a relationship? Are there any men out there who can be trusted if so-how many? Do I need therapy because I don’t trust men-actually I don’t like them very much either. Is there any hope for me, or am I destined to end my days living with my cat? PLS help- Lady with a cat

Dear Lady with a cat,

Congratulations on your new life. You sound happy and excited about the next chapter. So let’s get busy so you can enjoy it. You have a wonderful opportunity to move on to the next loving level of your life. It sounds like you have learned some great lessons, including recovery. There is a saying in recovery to wait until after the 1st year to begin a relationship, this maybe a good idea for you, since it sounds like you have a lot of healing to do. The loss of a 20 year marriage is a big deal and to throw on top of it emotional abuse.

First, I hope you have a great sponsor to help you through the steps. Working out the issues of the marriage will be critical to do before you get into a new relationship. The tragedy that many people find themselves in, is escaping a bad relationship, only to find themselves in a similar relationship because they failed to do the healing work. The healing work is recognizing that everything that happened in your life was for a reason and for your own good. Once you can accept the things not only happened, but also find the blessing in them, than will you be truly heal. This is not an easy thing to do, but acceptance and forgiveness is key.

You said something in your letter that is a little scary. You said at your age a woman becomes either a nurse or a purse. Although that’s a very cute saying, it could be an insidious thought. Your thoughts are constructive, so what you believe you achieve. For example, if your belief is all men cheat. You will end up only meeting men that cheat because your mind only picks out the things it resonates with. The good news is that positive affirmations can help. Affirmations such as “I only attract healthy, self-supporting men with integrity” will help you to rewrite that old belief.

Your question was do I need a therapist because I don’t like men. If that’s what you truly believe – that you don’t like men. But, you want a relationship, it sounds like a therapist might be in order. You can do the work yourself, but a therapist can help speed up the process and keep you on the right track. You are going through a wonderful growth period in your life, a time to reevaluate and to decide what is important and what you truly want. Enjoy the process and I guarantee you wouldn’t end your days living with your cat, if you don’t want to.

Love,
Dawn

Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’ll start at the beginning. Last year around this time I started a relationship with a girl I was working with. She was going through a break-up with her boyfriend of 3 yrs. She inquired about my hobby of running and said that she would like to try to run and would be interested in learning from me. We started running together a couple of times a week and then began hanging out quite a bit before and after runs. This went on for a couple of weeks until after our first 5k together she kissed me goodbye. I was completely awestruck. It was exciting and scary and confusing. I said to myself,”surely this beautiful, classy, smart and funny girl doesn’t want anything to do with me ” She said she did. It was a very quick and intense start and continued until this last April. We went through this “I need some space phase” I thought it was cool because we had spent every single moment possible for 9 straight months. I didn’t go to meetings like I usually would have, didn’t hang out with friends anymore. So I was cool with it. I thought we were just rebooting, starting over from the friends aspect. We still ran together, still hung out and were intimate and spent the night with each other. Then one day last at the end of April she sends me an email and said that she went out of town that weekend and got engaged. She came to bring me more of my personal stuff, spent the night, made love, and told me she was afraid of loving me too much. She went off and got married the next week. I was devastated. The pain was almost unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think of anything other than her and the pain. I was a complete automaton for almost two months, just going through the motions of life. She told me that we would always be friends, she would always carry a piece of me with her and that she would always love me. She then proceeded to defriend me on Facebook, Stopped calling or texting and emailing me. I later found out that the guy she married worked with her, she asked him to teach her golf. He is older than me, has more money than me and will probably treat her like the princess that she thinks she is. She was always more interested in the material things than I was. Was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, had depression issues that she wouldn’t address, etc, etc. I still loved her regardless of her flaws and shallowness. Now it’s the anniversary of all of our firsts. First time we made love, first time we went camping, first time she asked me to marry her, etc. Since the break -up I have been haunted by her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about her, expecting her to be beside me in bed, hoping this was all just a bad dream. It’s not. I have dated other women since her, tried to move on. I can’t seem to get over her. When I’m with other women I think about how much they’re not her. I have prayed and asked him to remove the pain and the obsession of her. It hasn’t worked. Every morning she’s the first thing I think about. The last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I just can’t seem to get over her. I’ve stopped rereading all he loving emails that she wrote, professions of undying love in cards, stopped looking at all the pictures of us. Nothing seems to work. I just want to get back to my old happy go lucky self. I just want my heart and soul back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. If you would like to post this on your page in the hope that it might help someone else going through something similar then by all mean do. Thank you for listening.

Signed,

Asking Why

Dear Asking Why,

I can hear the pain in your letter. I am sorry you are going though such a tough time. But as I read it, I can’t help but think you might be a very lucky man. Before you get upset with me, allow me to explain.

You pointed out several keys things. First, you met her after a break-up. Second, you said she was narcissistic, had no spiritual side, and had depression issues, and third, she married someone else very quickly who was older and had more money.

Women tend to marry for two very different reasons. The first and ideal reason is love. This is the type of relationship we all hope to find. The person loves you for you.

The other reason women tend to marry is for security. This is not ideal. She is marrying out of fear. Fear that she needs someone else to take care of her. This type of relationship tends to bred resentment, because she feels less than. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have married for security. When you hear of marriages that end in brutal power struggles with the women trying to take everything, you can be safe to bet she married for security and not for love. One is from love, the other from fear.

When fear is the basis of the relationship, it is destined for misery. That’s why I said you might be a very lucky man. She has just spared you of the next 10 years of pain, you might have experienced if the relationship worked out.

I know it’s painful right now, but this will pass. Get back to your meetings and start working on yourself. I can guarantee that if you work on yourself for a little while, you will find someone much more worthy of a relationship with you.

I have women that write me all the time looking for a great guy. I tell them he is out there getting ready for you, so you just need to get ready for him. There is a concept in biology that nature abhors a vacuum. What that means is that whenever anything leaves there is always something else to fill the space. Look for the blessing in lesson and focus on gratitude. Decide what you really want in your life. Once you get a clear picture, it will show up. Thank you for writing and trusting me with this.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi I’m a single mother in my early 30′s with one child who’s turning 9 this year. I’ve been a meth user on and off for the last 10 years and have gotten to a point where I would like to get help but I am not willing to lose custody of my daughter as a result of this. I’ve heard that there are recovery houses or places that actually allow you to have your child there with you in treatment and need to know if there is a place like this in my area. I live near Vancouver Canada. Thanks in advance for your help.

Dear Sweetness,

First I want to commend you for taking this first big step. Making a discussion to get help takes a lot of courage.

I have been looking around, and I have to admit I don’t know much about Canada and the resources available. Please take a look at the resources on InTheRooms, but also I found website that might help.

This website appears to offer a variety of services in your area: http://www.angelscommunity.com

Also this one has the rehab centers:

http://www.canadiandrugrehabcentres.com/support_groups/British_Columbia_support_groups/index.html

Also, I discovered that you have some unique resources including The Chopra Center and The Paradise Valley Wellness Center. That website is: http://www.chopra.com.

Please don’t let the fear of being away from you child keep you from recovery. The best gift you can give that child is a mother who is free from addiction. I wish you luck and love.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

I have an In The Rooms friend that you might be familiar with…Sandra of Sandraswalk.org. She is spending the summer walking from Fort Lauderdale to Philadelphia. She will be stopping in different places such a Washington DC to participate in recovery events.

I will be following her on her journey and updating periodically. Sandra is not traveling alone. She is carrying with her several signed copies of my book, CD’s and other fun items she will be giving to people who spot her. You can also buy one of her mustard seed necklaces. For each one she sells, she gives one away to someone who can’t afford one.

Check in here to find out were she is. Today she is near the A1A Pier on North Ocean Blvd in Pompano Beach Florida heading North. Stop by to say “hi.” She would love to see you.

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn