Hi Dawn,

I have a question for you I am 43 soon to be 44, I have almost 3 years in recovery and I have been single all my life and want to find someone who I can spend time with where I   live. I have gone to meetings but didn’t get a lot out of them so I stopped going and that was my downfall but I have been alone for quite some time and I hate it I want to meet someone but I don’t know how to go about it and when I did go to meetings nobody talked to me I felt like an outsider and that’s why I quit going I don’t want to drink I just want to find someone that I can relate with and see where it goes can you give me advice on what I should do because I want to bettermyself and meet new people I just don’t know where to start I am a member of in the rooms and I have been in the chat rooms but is there other places here where I can meet someone.. Thank you

Signed,

Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

Thank you for writing to me. Your problem is not unique; our disease is the disease of loneliness. In fact, it tries to separates us from other people so we are more vulnerable. I know it’s tempting to think, “If I had a relationship it would be better.” But you are looking for a relationship to make you better. No one can do that for you.

However, if you work on yourself, that means going to meetings and developing friends and a fellowship, you will get better. Once your life becomes full and you start feeling better about yourself, you will naturally attract people into your life. But I am afraid you’re going to need to get out of your house. On line chat rooms are nice, but they are no substitute for human contact. Go back to meetings and introduce yourself. Raise your hand and tell them you are struggling and would like phone numbers…of women. Then start using them. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but there really is no short-cut to happiness. All of us have been looking for that most of our lives and it lead straight back here…in the rooms. Your sunshine is waiting,

Love,

Dawn

Recently I was interviewed about my book From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System). If you can told me when I first came into the rooms, that I would be a published author I would have never believed you. Then, if you told me I would write a book about over-coming some of the painful trials of my life, I would have doubted you even more. But it’s all true. I was given a gift. The gift of taking a painful life lesson and watching it transform into a miracle that can help others. Wow! We do find a life beyond our wildest dreams!

Click to see Interview

Dear Dawn,

I have been out of recovery for awhile now, I am back in and I have been clean for 1 month today. I really don’t think about using, it’s the living on life’s terms that gets me. I go to church and I love it.  But I need meetings also and my family doesn’t think they help, they believe I just go there to find other addicts and get high. Which I have in the past. I am 46 years old I have been trying to stay clean all my life but I end up relapsing and in and out of I don’t know how many treatment centers. Can you give me some advice on what I need to do?

Thanks,

Signed Not Sure What to do

Dear Not Sure what to Do,

I wish I had the magical words for you. I really wish I had the magical cure that could make everything better. The words that could keep you clean and restore your families trust in you. But I don’t.

What I can tell you is that the majority of the people that walk into recovery end up walking back out. Even though they are in pain, even though it’s obvious they need the 12 steps, even though they might die, they say “thanks, but no thanks.”

You see, this program is not for people that need it; it’s for people that want it. I can only hope that God gives you that special gift he gave me. It’s the gift of desperation.   

The old timers would tell their stories in an effort to raise the bottom. They hoped if you can identify with what they had been through prior to their bottom that you might not have to ride all the way down. Go to lots of meetings until you find someone who you can identify with, then ask them for help. Do exactly as they tell you, especially if you don’t want to.

I am going to wish you what they wished me when I came in. When I first heard it I thought it was cruel, but now I understand. My dear I wish you a long slow recovery. Don’t get well too soon, stay green and desperate.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am recently sober (70 days) and am loving being that way. My problem is that even though I’ve started attending NA meetings, I’m missing the comfort of having a significant other. Is it too soon to start looking for a potential boyfriend and is it wrong to consider my fellow NA members as prospects? I know I got a lot of work to do as far as I’m concerned but I miss having someone around to share my life with. What should I do?

Signed,

Looking for love

Dear Love Bug,

Congratulations are getting clean! You are on the start of a wondrous journey. Thank you for writing in and asking this question. This is a great one!

One of the first things I heard when I can into the rooms was “don’t have a relationship for the first year.” Since this was not one of the steps, I realized it was optional. Not having the comfort of a significant other was simply too much for me to bear. I got involved with a semi-recovering heroin addict which was disastrous. The relationship didn’t last very long and I began a series of serial relationships that lasted for the next 17 years. During that time, I stayed clean and sober but I robbed myself of a lot of the growth and happiness and caused damage to myself and others.  

If you do not deflect, that is get in a relationship, or switch addictions, such as work or food, you will grow exponentially during your first year. That’s the good news. The bad news is that growth can be painful, sending you running out in the middle of the night looking for comfort. When you get involved in a relationship several things can happen. You stop growing because you focus on someone or something else. You grow but since people usually don’t grow at the same rate, your growth can be inhibited by the relationship. In other words, the relationship becomes a deterrent for change for the fear you will grow apart.

Or, the biggest issue when it comes to relationships early on is that you have a lot of pain. When you look for comfort, you are not looking for a healthy loving relationship; you are looking for a savior, someone to take away your pain. No one can do that for you. Eventually you will realize that they are not the right person, because you choose them for the wrong reasons. Then you will have to decide if you want to look for another savior, or finally give yourself the time to heal and grow.

You need to love yourself before you love another person. You cannot give what you do not have. My sweetheart, please take the time to work on yourself now, so you can enjoy all the joy, promises and love in store for you.

Love,

Dawn

I often hear people say things like, “you need to watch out for number one,” or quote Darwinism with its “the survival of the fittest out there.” This ideology of looking out for you above all else, can unfortunately produce the opposite of the desired result. For example, maybe you are in a hurry to get home. In your haste you cut someone off in traffic. That person becomes upset and decides to retaliate and cut you off. He jumps in front of you and slams on the breaks. You try to stop but end up rear ending him. Now instead of gaining time, you end up losing much more time because you now need to make an accident report, maybe get a tow truck and a ride home, and later lose time getting your car repaired.   

            As a biology professor, I have heard many people us biological concept such as Darwinism to rationalize poor behavior. They end up not doing “survival of the fittest,” but something very different. In biology when one organism only looks out for themselves and takes from another organism without providing any benefit to the relationship they are referred to as a parasite. Most parasites are undesirable blood sucking pests. Not something you probably want to be known for.

            Most of us are aware when we have a parasite relationship, although I may not define it as such. We intuitively understand a parasitic relationship by the way they make us feel. We may feel uncomfortable, put on or drained after and encounter with a parasite. For example, the friend that calls up only to talk about her problems. Then gets off the phone the minute you try to talk about yours. Or the friend who is always broke or borrowing something and never repays the money or returns any of the borrowed items. All of these are one sided parasitic relationships. There are many other examples, often more subtle, but the key to a parasitic relationship is that one person gains and the other loses, or at least they feel like they have lost something.

            You can be a parasite in a one on one relationship with another person, or even in a group. If you are part of a group and only bring your problems to the group and never bring a solution, you are behaving like a parasite. If you are part of a group and never give back by providing service, expecting others to do all the work while you are receiving some benefit you are acting like a parasite.

            The problem is no one likes a parasite. People will go to incredible lengths to avoid or eradicate parasites. So, you are acting like one, taking without giving, don’t be surprised if someone retaliates against this behavior. If you really want to watch out for number one, you may have to stop thinking so much about number one.

Hey Dawn,

I am a recovering addict. I have been clean and sober for 8 years. I am a good person who has great kids, beautiful grandkids and a fulfilling life. I am 45 years old and am still attractive and independent. I go to church, meetings, Celebrate Recovery and work (pretty much all I do). I never get asked out by anyone and often feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have had relationships all of my life (granted they weren’t the best or healthiest) but have not been in a real relationship since I’ve been clean. I believe in God and try to “Let go and let God”…. but after 8 years of being alone I sometimes feel like, “Where is my husband or partner in life?” I have looked long and hard at myself and done a lot of step-work. I actual work on my behavior.  I do know who I am today. I also know what I want out life and out of a relationship today. I get impatient and feel like there is something wrong with me because only men that I’m not interested in are interested in me. Am I going to be alone forever? By the way, I have wonderful daughters, beautiful grandbabies, a sponsor and sponsees. I do have a great life but feel like it’s not complete because I want to share my journey with “the one”. What should I do I am about at the end of my rope with waiting? I also hate feeling like I am a reject.

Dear Feeling Rejected,

There is an old story of a man who is caught in a flood. The water starts rising and his neighbors come by in a row boat and say “get in.” The man says, “No, God is going to save me.” So the row boat leaves. The water keeps rising and soon the man in on his roof. A power boat comes by and they say, “get in.” The man says “No, God will save me.” Finally, the man is forced onto the top of his chimney. A helicopter comes by and drops a rope. “Grab on,” they say. The man says, “No, God will save me.” A few minutes later the man is swept down the stream and drowns.  The man gets to heaven and asks God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God says, “What do you mean, I sent two boats and a helicopter!”

            You have probably heard this story before. The point is sometimes we don’t know what’s good for us. We expect things to be package in a certain way, so when it shows up we don’t get it. You said in your letter you haven’t meet anyone in recovery. However, you have had several men ask you out.

            When you first got in recovery, I bet you wanted the promises the first week. But, people said you needed time and to do some work; which you indicated you did. I believe you understand the principle that you must walk before you can run. That same principle applies to dating.

                In order to be happy and healthy (and not co-dependent) in a relationship, you need to understand that you can live with or without a relationship, but would like one to enhance your life. The only way to do this is practice. It sounds like you have opportunities to practice, so take them. You indicated you are not attracted to those guys. That perfect! You can practice dating with them. Practice non-sexual dating – that’s getting to know people outside of the bedroom. Then when you are ready, “the one” will show up. And, since you have practice getting in and out of relationships you will be ready for a healthy one with him. By the way…he probably will not look like what you expect, so don’t be afraid to jump into a couple of row boats. Have fun!

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m a drunk, father and married to great women. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was 18Yrs old I am now 48. I suffer with severe depression and anxiety and have been unemployed for the past 6 months because of layoffs after working at the same job for over 20 years. I come from a dysfunctional family, Dad was a drunk and has passed last year, and mother has been physically and verbally abusing me since I was 6years of age. I remember on time when she burnt my hands with matches for playing around with her cigarettes when I was 7 or 8 years old. She also loved to beat me with anything she could get her hands on when I was growing up. I was woken up once at night when I was 8Yrs old by my mother who was trying to stop my dad from raping her. My sister was born because of that rape and was later kicked out of the house at the age of 15 years old by my mother for having sex with her boy friend. The list goes on and on and I’ve tried to go to consoling and therapy, but nothing helps. I have nightmares that I’m back living with my mother. I started drinking again in July 2010 and just recently stopped in Sept. 2010 but the mental pain of depression and anxiety get the best of me every day, I take Cymbalta and xanax and that seems to help, but I do not want to get hooked again on drugs. I have no friends, not interested in sports like every other guy is and I always feel that I am less of a person and that everybody is better than me. I have very low esteem about myself. The only thing I’m good with is fixing computers, and I apply daily for jobs and call job recruiters daily. My wife avoids me because I’m always depressed and so do my kids. I really have no one I trust to talk too and when I go to AA meetings they depress me more and there is always someone that feels they have to tell me what to do and try to control my life. No one controls my life but god and my actions, but my prays are not being answered so I’m lost and want to kill myself. But I’m too chicken to get the job done. Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Sweetheart,

This is the toughest letter I have received. I am afraid not to respond, yet not sure of what to say. I am not going to sit here and pretend I understand how you feel. I have been in similar places myself, but each place is unique.

I can however provide you with some advice. I know something that can lessen your burden instantly and help you to feel better about your life and yourself. The question is if I told you what this key is would you actually pick it up? If I explained what to do, would you dismiss it or us it? I can only hope you give my suggestion a try.

There is one thing that works when all else fails. In fact this is the thing the Bill Wilson learned that started 12 step programs. Wonder what it is? Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. It can be a simply as giving someone a ride or talking to a homeless man. You can make some sandwiches and drive them down and feed people in need, or volunteer a habit for humanity.

Once I was driving down the road when it started to rain. An older woman was walking and getting wet, so I stopped and asked her if she would like a ride. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to risk getting it. It turned out she was trying to go to the grocery store. I was able to take her shopping and drive her back home with her groceries. Her gratitude and happiness instantly lifted the burden I had been carrying. Also, it turned out that she lived on my street, just a few buildings down. She continued to make me feel good because when I would see her she would wave and ask me in for tea.

I have to admit, I only gave her a ride because my sponsor had suggested that I help another person. And, I hate to admit it, but just like many things that are good for me, the minute I felt better I stopped doing the activity that made me feel better. Therefore, I have not continued to put myself out there as much as I would like. But I can tell you, I think if more people would just take a few moments to be kind to someone else, anti-depressant sales would plummet.

In addition to helping someone else, I would suggest asking for help for yourself. Get back to meetings and ask for help. Find a sponsor or mentor, someone whose life you admire and ask them how they did it. Then follow their directions. What you are feeling right now is temporary. There is a wonderful and amazing life beyond your wildest dreams out there waiting for you, if you dare work for it. I wish you only happiness.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am nearing a divorce with my husband of 23 years. He is 6 months sober but not thinking any differently. His alcoholism mostly caused financial neglect. I have stayed with him thru bankruptcy, IRS issues, and now a job loss. He has always been kind, attentive, and a good father. My therapist says leave. “Nice, attentiveness” is the easy stuff. He has been terribly reckless with my future. He is lingering, refusing to believe I’d end it and I feel paralyzed, not able to break away, be “cruel”. My head says he is a liability. Why is it so hard? I don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Afraid to say goodbye

Dear Afraid To Say Goodbye,

I am so sorry for your pain and frustration, I completely understand, this is a huge decision. You have spent a great deal of your life with this man, and that is probably why he doesn’t believe you. We tend to believe things will continue as they are. We find a level of comfort with the familiar even if it’s painful.

You said he is 6 months sober but not thinking differently, which is probably a very good assessment. Recovery takes some time, the thinking doesn’t really change until after working the steps. The spiritual awakening is a result of working all the 12 steps. So it does take some time.

You indicated he is sober, so I am going to assume he has a big book. That’s the Alcoholics Anonymous book. If so, I would like you to read a chapter called the Family Afterwards. I believe it may explain some of the things you are feeling right now. In addition, before you make any major changes, I would recommend attended a few Alanon meetings. These are people just like you that have been living with the pain of alcoholism for many years. There you will find help and guidance to make the best decision for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am most definitely an addict. I used for at least 20 years. When I decided to quit I made the mistake of thinking I could drink. This is something I’m sure many of us have told ourselves. Where I live the closest N.A. meeting is 50 miles away, but there are A.A. meetings every day. I have been going to the AA meetings and get quite a bit out of them. My problem is I feel if I tell my whole story nobody would really understand being that a huge part of my life I was addicted to drugs. Should I just give up going to AA and try my best to go to NA meetings when I can or continue and hope maybe I’ll find someone there who is an alcoholic addict like me?

Dear Sweetheart,

I realize what I am about to say may be criticized by some people but the truth is once you get past the first step all the steps are basically the same. You can take the first step and put in alcohol, or drugs, or food, or even relationships. The point of the steps is to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. If an AA meeting that you can get to is much preferable to an NA meeting you can’t. By the way, most people in an AA meeting short of a few really old timers have used drugs. The 60’s (sex, drugs and rock and roll) was 50 years ago. Just be respectful when you tell your story in a meeting. Leave the drug details for your sponsor. You are not alone. Welcome.

Love,

Dawn