Dawn,

I met a man in recovery and we have for the most part fell in love. That’s the problem; I have always had problems with men and have NEVER had a healthy relationship with any man. Dad, grandfather bf, nobody! I trust that he will not cheat but when the subject of moving in together or a future he always tells me the same “programed” thing “I don’t look at the future I live just for today” well to me it sounds like a cop-out, but that’s my addict thinking. How can I convince my thinking to understand that he loves me and wants to be with me but doesn’t want to jump to far ahead & ruin it. Please help, cause I love him and want this to work so I need help getting over this hump. Signed desperately wanting change.

Hi Desperately Wanting Change,

Thank you so much for writing to me. I know exactly how you feel, as a female in recovery I have struggled with relationships. Many times we are attracted to a person because they are familiar. In other words, they remind you of another relationship. You said you never had a healthy relationship with a man. I have to wonder if this relationship reminds you of any others that you had.

For example, I grew-up in a family full of chaos, where I tended to hide in my room and not speak up. As an adult, I find myself attracted to those types of relationships, one where I don’t tend to speak up. Eventually it gets so bad I run away. I have repeated that pattern over and over again even in sobriety.

We can recreate those old childhood scenarios until we work them out. Stop trying to convince your thinking and listen to your heart. When we respond with love for ourselves and not fear, we are never wrong. If your heart truly believes it’s a cop-out you need to listen. Be gentle with yourself and ask yourself during your mediation how you really feel.

Love,
Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I’m in love with a man who is 9yrs sober and I’m 4yrs sober.  From the start of our relationship 6yrs ago, I was not honest I was using and he did not know. When the truth came out he was very supportive in seeing me get help, he loved me very much even though there was a lot of stealing and lying while I was active.  At 10 months sober he told me I had to find another place to live. I was devastated but I did so and have remained sober for the last 4yrs. my sobriety is the most important thing to me and I am very active in working the 12 steps of AA (recovery). We have remained friends and he has helped me get on my feet. We used to tell each other that we loved each other.  Recently, he stopped responding when I would say I love you. Things have changed between us. I always felt that we would reunite and we were just taking things slow. I don’t know what happened but he is definitely pulling away even as my friend. I know that it is time to let go but it is very sad and painful I am praying to God how I should act in this relationship. I can’t believe that I have to ask that question with someone I love so much. I feel he does not know how to tell me (not a very good communicator) so he is just pulling away. He knows how I feel about him I guess I should just walk away right?

Dear Sweetheart,

I know how painful it feels when someone you love pulls away. That pain and fear causes you to search for reasons why its happening, believing if you figure it out you might be able to change the outcome. It sounds like you had someone very special in your life. He came at the right time and he actually knew what to do to take care of both of you.

You are very fortunate. Instead of rejecting you, he stood by you and helped you. He asked you to move at 10 months so he was not enabling you. Now you have 4 years sober. Wow! Now it appears he is moving on. It sounds like its time.

My biggest challenge in recovery has always been maintaining faith during a tough time. It’s easy to have faith when things are going my way, but do I still believe when things become painful?

This is a loss and it’s going to hurt. That’s ok. It’s ok to cry and to miss him. But, have faith that this is happening for a reason and for your highest good. It looks like he was placed in your life for your highest good and now it’s time to let him go for your highest good.

You knew the answer when you wrote to me. You titled the letter letting go; now its time to take your own advice. Make this a selfish time. Just be alone for a while, and become completely comfortable by yourself. You have changed a lot over the course of this relationship, and you’re still changing. When you’re ready, someone else will come into your life.  Get ready for him.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I live in a very small town of 3000 and want to find a sponsor. I am in AlAnon, ACA, and AA. I have 19 years in AA and 25 years in ACA and AlAnon. Is there a place on the In The Rooms site where I can find & interview someone to be my sponsor? Thanks.

Signed Searching

Dear Searching,

Great question. I understand the difficulty of living in a small town. In The Rooms is a great resource for someone like you. Although, In The Rooms doesn’t have an area to interview sponsors, it does provide you with the ability to connect with many people.

One suggestion is to look around the site for people with time. You can post on the forums or join in on chats. We are also starting video meetings, which will give you even more exposure to people.

In The Rooms does have counselors and coaches for hire in the support section, if you need someone quick. Keep putting it out there that you are looking for someone. But, don’t underestimate the benefit of finding someone close to home. Try to hit some new meetings even if it means a little travel. Face-face sponsorship is what the fellowship was built on. Good Luck!

Love,

Dawn

I have an In The Rooms friend that you might be familiar with…Sandra of Sandraswalk.org. She is spending the summer walking from Fort Lauderdale to Philadelphia. She will be stopping in different places such a Washington DC to participate in recovery events.

I will be following her on her journey and updating periodically. Sandra is not traveling alone. She is carrying with her several signed copies of my book, CD’s and other fun items she will be giving to people who spot her. You can also buy one of her mustard seed necklaces. For each one she sells, she gives one away to someone who can’t afford one.

Check in here to find out were she is. Today she is near the A1A Pier on North Ocean Blvd in Pompano Beach Florida heading North. Stop by to say “hi.” She would love to see you.

Hi Dawn,

I’m an alcoholic and have been recovering now for 6 years. My fiancée of 3 years died from a sudden an unexpected heart attack in May 2010. She was also in recovery. This was the first relationship I have ever had in recovery. Yes, there were sordid fumbles with “normies” prior to that. Also I was married twice whilst drinking and thought I knew what love was, until I met her (the one who died.) I have recently been letting go of my past with her and have come to fully accept that she is gone. I’m lonely, scared most of the time and fairly depressed. The thing I want to ask is, after my experience with dating sites and normies running like hell when they find out you are in recovery, is this. How can I find love in recovery? I mean someone who also has a program? My self-doubt and low self-worth won’t let me explore that avenue. Yours hopefully.

Dear Sweetheart,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can hear your pain in the letter when you say you are scared and lonely most of the time. Those feelings are understandable and normal. Grieving a loss of someone you love is difficult and painful.

I had a great loss in recovery myself. What I discovered was my biggest obstacle was that I had lost trust in God. I couldn’t understand why if God loved me he would let this happen? I was in a lot of pain, but what I learned later that most of my pain was because I didn’t believe God wanted me to be happy.

Until I could believe that everything happens for a reason and for my highest good, I would never find happiness.  I would love to tell you that I recovered quickly but I am afraid I searched for happiness in vain for several years, because I was looking outside myself. I was looking for that person or place that was going to make me feel better.

 What happened was I experienced several more loses. When the pain got great enough I turned to God. I learned the pain I was experiencing was because I had turned away. Through prayer and meditation I was able to reconnect and the fear and loneliness slipped away.

It’s only after you are a happy healthy person can you enter into a happy healthy relationship. You can’t place your happiness on the shoulder of another person. Expecting someone else to take away your loneliness places an unfair burden on their shoulders. No one can do that.

Talk to God, heal and be gentle with yourself. Journal, take walks in nature and cry. Once you find peace, you will naturally attract a healthy woman in recovery. I have heard from them all the time. Trust me they are waiting for you.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

 How do I find a sponsor?

Dear Sweetheart,

Finding a sponsor is an important step in recovery. Sometimes we worry we might make a mistake and chose the wrong person. The good news is if you do you can always chose again. The important thing is to have someone to listen to that doesn’t reside in your own head. There is an old saying, that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client. The same holds true for anyone in recovery that listens to themselves without an interpreter (sponsor).

So how do you find a sponsor? Go to meetings and look around. Find someone of your own sex. That’s important because our brains are actually wired a little differently causing us to think differently. A female will understand how a female thinks and vice-versa.  

Look for someone you respect and would like to emulate. Someone who has a quality about them that feels good to you. If you don’t feel comfortable with them, you probably will not want to take their advice. The important thing is to develop a trust, so that you will follow their suggestion even when you don’t want to.

I am glad you are getting one. A sponsor can be a wonderful lifelong relationship.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

It’s weird I’m in a relationship with a girl who loves me so dearly and would do anything for me but I treat her so poorly… I at time question our relationship make up crazy fights that I know that I’m wrong, try and get out of the relationship. I do care for this person but in my addiction I have spent so much time alone I fear that’s all that I am used to I don’t have many friends big crowds scare me I get jumpy very fast. Then I find this one girl who is beautiful and I don’t “want it” and at the same time it’s what I’m dying for. What is wrong with me?

Dear Sweetheart,

As I read your letter, I noticed that you said she loves you but you only care for her. Unless I am wrong, it sounds like she might love you more than you love her. In fact, I am not sure you do love her. If she is in love with you and you don’t feel the same that is going to make you both crazy.

Love feels wonderful, so we want to have it around. But love that is not reciprocated is painful for both people. You will feel guilty and she will feel cheated. You need to do some soul searching. If she is not who you want in your life, do the kindness most loving thing you can and let her go. It might hurt for a moment, but the sharp pain heals faster than the slow festering ache of not be true to each other.

If however, you realize she is what you want in your life, treat her well. Remind yourself when you find yourself picking fights that this is what you want in your life. When our anxiety builds up we can push people away in our search for relief. When you feel like that take some time for yourself in a loving way, by taking care of yourself and reassuring her.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I just left a 13 year marriage, the breakdown due to alcoholism on both our parts. I have been sober almost 5 years now, and he is still struggling. This is the first time on my own, and I’m finally starting to like it! I’m not so afraid. A fellow member made it possible for me to leave the marriage, and I have ended up in a relationship with this person. I’ve discovered though, I don’t want to commit to a long term relationship while I am getting on my feet and discovering things about myself. How can I make boundaries without hurting feelings? I live alone and he lives in his place. We are spending nearly every evening and overnight together, and I’m starting to feel that “married feeling” already!!! I’m scared of that. Any counsel on this would be appreciated… Thank you!

Dear Sweetheart,

You are right to feel the way you are feeling. You cannot simply jump from a 13 year marriage and start a new relationship. You need time to heal and figure out who you are and what you want.

Congratulations on having the courage to leave a relationship that was not working for you. I also commend you for having the presence of mind to realize that you need to get on your own feet and discover who you are.

You asked how you can set boundaries without hurting feelings. That maybe a little tough to do, but you need to set the boundaries anyway. This person that helped you should understand that you need time to get on your own feet. Since your friend is in recovery he already knows you need time before you start a new relationship. If he doesn’t honor your request and give you time, then he really doesn’t care about you. He is just looking for a vulnerable situation to exploit.

Take the time you need. Start sleeping at your own place alone, make lots of female friends and spend time with them. Later, after you have taken some time (start with 6 months) you can reevaluate your relationship. You may want to be with him, but you might want to date a little before you decide…whatever you choose is okay.   

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I just don’t have enough time in to really appreciate the complexities of a serious relationship. Sure I love being in love, I’m a romantic and not ashamed of it. But when it comes down to the day to day comfortable relationship it all seems quite dull. How can a guy in my position find the right woman? I don’t think I could seriously get into a relationship with someone who is in recovery, but anyone outside of it will be wary of a guy with my alcoholic background, and rightfully so. I want to leave it in God’s hands, but I certainly have to do some of the work myself down here. I’ve met two women on this site all ready and they were ready to do more than fall in love, they wanted a total commitment from me, a guy they had never met face to face before. I can understand their lonely and have needs, so am I? I just can’t put my finger on how to have a special relationship with a woman, to have a soul mate, a life partner. It’s only really happened to me once before in my life and I screwed that up with my alcoholism. Will I ever get a second chance at true love? What do you think?

Hi Sweetheart,

When we are looking for a good relationship, the key to finding a healthy one is not needing one. It sounds ironic, but you can only truly be happy with someone, when you are happy alone. You made a keen observation; you said several women on this site wanted to have a committed relationship with you without even meeting you. Further you indicated this was probably stemming from loneliness rather than form a real desire to be in a relationship. Many people, myself included, have searched for a relationship expecting it to make us feel better.

In the beginning I would feel great, full of hope and promise. But after awhile I would grow bored and discontent. The reason was because the relationship was just a Band-Aid. It was a temporary diversion from my internal pain. The pain and uneasiness would always come back.

In order to find true love, I needed to do some internal work. True love can only be found when two whole people meet to share, not when two wounded people meet to take. Keep doing your work…prayer, journaling and meditation. Keep yourself open for a relationship, but stop searching. You asked if you would get a second chance at true love. The answer is no, you will get the first chance at real love.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Dawn,

This is not about love life (not yet). I have tried it all, ‘the secret’ positive affirmations in AA but I cannot get to day 3 staying sober. Is it wrong of me to use CAMPRAL and or Naltrexone? Dr. wants me to use both, which seems like a lot? I don’t know if you are even allowed to go to AA on this stuff? Love some answers thank you. Hope in 1 year I will ask you about love.

Signed, RX

Dear RX,

My sweet child, I have had this issue in my own recovery. I am not a doctor, so I asked a REAL doctor about the medications you sent me. She said that those are used to help people stop drinking. It is far too common to find people who are well meaning but ill advised to make prescription drug suggestions. This can have devastating effects.

When I first came in, I was placed on anti-depressants. There were people in the rooms that believed you should not take anything. But what my doctor said was it would help keep me alive long enough for the program to start working. I took the medication for two years. Last October I celebrated 22 years in recovery, so I am inclined to think that the doctor was right.

Unfortunately after 22 years, I have also gone to my share of funerals. Some of the deaths were by suicide in recovery. This is not a disease to be played with. If you doctor believes that the medication will help you, by all means take it. It might upset a few people, but as you grow in recovery, they will get over it. Can’t wait until next year when you send me that question about love.

Love,

Dawn