Dear Dawn:

I am so lost. I am an addict who has caused so much hurt, pain and destruction. I’m married to a beautiful woman who at one point I considered my best friend and soul-mate. As an addict I have never really gave recovery 100% and with every relapse I have simply ran from the problems I’ve caused. After losing my job in September ’09,’ I relapsed and ran to Cali leaving my son, wife and our home. Everything was going downhill and my wife and I were separated because of my addiction and our inability to get along. I wasted about six months running around and now I’m in Oklahoma because I couldn’t stay clean in Cali where all of my previous addiction history resides and I caused a situation with a good friend and lost great trust. Another friend who I know from Cali and also recovering addict suggested I come out here to Oklahoma to the sober living house he stays in and I’ve been trying to start over and give my recovery a 100 percent. I’m going to meetings every day, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. My wife and I are talking again and she wants me to come home especially because I left everything to fall on her. Her mother has cancer and going through chemotherapy. My wife has also very recently had two of her good friends lose their mothers to cancer within the last year, plus she is also sick with a lifelong disease of sickle cell anemia. As I’ve started trying to be more honest for the sake of ever having any real recovery, I’ve told my wife that I have cheated. When I was running from the mess I’ve caused I figured we were not going to be together anymore which is a feeling I’ve often had while we were together. I’m realizing that I am very sick in my head. I swore everything was her fault and she was way too needy for attention. I am starting to see my part in our past conflicts. I am afraid to go back to Minnesota because mainly I’m afraid of the fact that everyone else like her parents and mine are through with me. Her parents use to think I was the best thing that has ever happened to their daughter and now it is the opposite. We still have our home which no one is living in and it will be foreclosed on in what I was told a year. I don’t know what to do. She is scared but wants me back to be with her and to love her. I want to be back with her but I’m scared to be there and own up to the hurt and wreckage I’ve created which includes leaving their car in Cali. I know all trust in me is shot and I’m sure they have no desire for me to be around. I don’t know what to do. At one point I had become addicted to my wife’s medication which was the main reason for this second separation. I feel obligated to go back because she is my wife who I deserted and hurt. I know where ever I go, my recovery must go, at the same time, I’ve always felt I’ve had such a difficult time getting along with her and now I understand that some if not all of that was due to my disease, limited communication and life skills. What do I do?

Dear Lost,

            I understand your pain. You have quite a mess on your hands, but it sounds like you have learned (the hard way) that running away doesn’t work. So now what do you do? You will need to go home eventually. Your wife needs you, but she needs the adult you. It’s time to meet your obligations and deal with your wreckage.

            It is not going to be easy, but you need to start. One step at a time, one day at a time. Some people will not trust you, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will doubt your intentions, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will not like that you came back, but that doesn’t matter. You need to go back and do the right things, because that’s all that matters.

            When we first get clean it is very tempting to be rigorously honest. We want to lessen our own guilt by admitting our faults to the ones we hurt. You can’t do that. The step says “except when to do so would injure others.” When you tell your wife about your indiscretions you feel relieved because you take the burden from yourself and place it on her. That’s not fair, you need to admit your faults to someone it will not hurt.

            Go home and be the best person you can be. When she gets mad or upset, forgive her, just as you would like to be forgiven. Go to meetings, find a home group, start working and help her as much as you can. You have a lot of ground to make up, but you can do it. You have already made huge steps; you are admitting your faults and asking for help. With that type of willingness you can’t go wrong.

Love,

Dawn

Tags: 12 steps, AA, addiction, going home, Love, marriage, NA, Recovery, relapse, relationships, reputation, steps, trust

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