Dear Dawn,

I’m having a difficult time getting over my AA relationship, mainly because I don’t know who is to fault. AA teaches us patience, tolerance, kindness and most importantly that “when we are disturbed – the disturbance is within us”. I am 4 years sober and for the better part of three years have been in a turbulent on again off again AA relationship with someone who has many, many more years sober than I do. I love him, but I also feel like our relationship is extremely unhealthy. When things are good between us it’s like magic-as if I have found my soul mate (a person who gets me perfectly). When things are bad, they are horrible- I have nasty phone messages on my machine, name calling, being given the finger, terrible temper tantrums things being broken, suspicion, accusations, being called a cheater, him spreading rumors about me, and on one instance the cops were even involved. It’s been off again on again because of that behavior, there are times when I get! t so worn out that I am determined I will stay away and then I start thinking…(about how I love him, how he loves me, he didn’t mean it, it’s my fault anyway..) The breaking point finally came (me and boyfriend were on an “off” time) when I was going to a camping trip with some friends and my family became concerned at how agitated I was over it. I had to keep the camping trip a secret (I know that was wrong) because if he knew he would be upset and wouldn’t let me go or punish me later about it. I told my family if he called the house to tell him I was someplace else. My family essentially had and intervention-they are concerned for my safety because they feel that he shouldn’t dictate where or with whom I go. I didn’t know how to respond to that, part of me feels that he should respect my need to be with my friends, and part of me understand that in a relationship you listen to and respect your partner’s wishes. Even so after the family sit down, a day at a time, I have had no contact with him for over a month. It’s strange, because of his time, everyone in the rooms thinks he is so wonderful, and I am the sick one (this irritates me because no one has had to date him for 3 years and see what really goes on). But when I think about the relationship I can’t help thinking that if I only was more tolerant, more understanding, and basically re-examine myself it would of went better and we would still be together. I know I played a part in it, and that is why it is so hard to let go. I can’t help feeling like I gave up something good and I will never have that connection (soul mate) with a man ever again. Anyways it’s been tough…staying away and trying not to drive myself crazy with the pain of it being over.

Dear Sweetheart,

            It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If the relationship has declined to the point of nasty phone calls, name calling, temper tantrum, and police visits, it has slipped into the unhealthy category. It becomes toxic is when you try to now keep it together. You are wise to let this one good. But, letting go of any relationship, even an unhealthy one is tough.

            Stick with your friends and remember you really don’t know what others are thinking. You are assuming that others thing he is wonderful and you are sick. That is just your disease talking to you. Also, I know it feels like you will never meet someone ever again, but trust me you will. And, because you have decided to be true to yourself and take care of yourself, the next one will be healthier and happier than the last.  

            You said you are afraid that you might be letting go of a soul mate, but if he really is your soul mate and you have more to learn for each other, you will see him again. Take this time to work on yourself. You have very strong qualities, and understand what a healthy relationship is about. You also value yourself enough to go after you dreams. These are all great qualities that many women in the rooms could use more of. I think you would be a great asset to other struggling women. You have a lot to give and teach. Thank you for writing to me.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am most definitely an addict. I used for at least 20 years. When I decided to quit I made the mistake of thinking I could drink. This is something I’m sure many of us have told ourselves. Where I live the closest N.A. meeting is 50 miles away, but there are A.A. meetings every day. I have been going to the AA meetings and get quite a bit out of them. My problem is I feel if I tell my whole story nobody would really understand being that a huge part of my life I was addicted to drugs. Should I just give up going to AA and try my best to go to NA meetings when I can or continue and hope maybe I’ll find someone there who is an alcoholic addict like me?

Dear Sweetheart,

I realize what I am about to say may be criticized by some people but the truth is once you get past the first step all the steps are basically the same. You can take the first step and put in alcohol, or drugs, or food, or even relationships. The point of the steps is to have a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps. If an AA meeting that you can get to is much preferable to an NA meeting you can’t. By the way, most people in an AA meeting short of a few really old timers have used drugs. The 60’s (sex, drugs and rock and roll) was 50 years ago. Just be respectful when you tell your story in a meeting. Leave the drug details for your sponsor. You are not alone. Welcome.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn:

I am so lost. I am an addict who has caused so much hurt, pain and destruction. I’m married to a beautiful woman who at one point I considered my best friend and soul-mate. As an addict I have never really gave recovery 100% and with every relapse I have simply ran from the problems I’ve caused. After losing my job in September ‘09,’ I relapsed and ran to Cali leaving my son, wife and our home. Everything was going downhill and my wife and I were separated because of my addiction and our inability to get along. I wasted about six months running around and now I’m in Oklahoma because I couldn’t stay clean in Cali where all of my previous addiction history resides and I caused a situation with a good friend and lost great trust. Another friend who I know from Cali and also recovering addict suggested I come out here to Oklahoma to the sober living house he stays in and I’ve been trying to start over and give my recovery a 100 percent. I’m going to meetings every day, I have a sponsor and I’m working the steps. My wife and I are talking again and she wants me to come home especially because I left everything to fall on her. Her mother has cancer and going through chemotherapy. My wife has also very recently had two of her good friends lose their mothers to cancer within the last year, plus she is also sick with a lifelong disease of sickle cell anemia. As I’ve started trying to be more honest for the sake of ever having any real recovery, I’ve told my wife that I have cheated. When I was running from the mess I’ve caused I figured we were not going to be together anymore which is a feeling I’ve often had while we were together. I’m realizing that I am very sick in my head. I swore everything was her fault and she was way too needy for attention. I am starting to see my part in our past conflicts. I am afraid to go back to Minnesota because mainly I’m afraid of the fact that everyone else like her parents and mine are through with me. Her parents use to think I was the best thing that has ever happened to their daughter and now it is the opposite. We still have our home which no one is living in and it will be foreclosed on in what I was told a year. I don’t know what to do. She is scared but wants me back to be with her and to love her. I want to be back with her but I’m scared to be there and own up to the hurt and wreckage I’ve created which includes leaving their car in Cali. I know all trust in me is shot and I’m sure they have no desire for me to be around. I don’t know what to do. At one point I had become addicted to my wife’s medication which was the main reason for this second separation. I feel obligated to go back because she is my wife who I deserted and hurt. I know where ever I go, my recovery must go, at the same time, I’ve always felt I’ve had such a difficult time getting along with her and now I understand that some if not all of that was due to my disease, limited communication and life skills. What do I do?

Dear Lost,

            I understand your pain. You have quite a mess on your hands, but it sounds like you have learned (the hard way) that running away doesn’t work. So now what do you do? You will need to go home eventually. Your wife needs you, but she needs the adult you. It’s time to meet your obligations and deal with your wreckage.

            It is not going to be easy, but you need to start. One step at a time, one day at a time. Some people will not trust you, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will doubt your intentions, but that doesn’t matter. Some people will not like that you came back, but that doesn’t matter. You need to go back and do the right things, because that’s all that matters.

            When we first get clean it is very tempting to be rigorously honest. We want to lessen our own guilt by admitting our faults to the ones we hurt. You can’t do that. The step says “except when to do so would injure others.” When you tell your wife about your indiscretions you feel relieved because you take the burden from yourself and place it on her. That’s not fair, you need to admit your faults to someone it will not hurt.

            Go home and be the best person you can be. When she gets mad or upset, forgive her, just as you would like to be forgiven. Go to meetings, find a home group, start working and help her as much as you can. You have a lot of ground to make up, but you can do it. You have already made huge steps; you are admitting your faults and asking for help. With that type of willingness you can’t go wrong.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I was wondering how many sponsees you can take on without being too much??

Signed Wondering

Dear Wondering,

 This is an interesting question. I am afraid my answer might be frustrating to you but here it is…it depends. A lot of factors come into play with this question. For example, I can easily see a retired guy with over 30 years having a bunch of sponsees with lots of time. On the other hand, I can also see a young mother with two kids that works full-time having difficulties handling one new comer.

            The rule of thumb is that the newer the sponsee the more time they need. Then we need to look at the sponsor and what’s going on in their life. When I was going through my divorce I had several sponsee’s under 6 months. I was taught that when I am going through a tough time that I need to get out of myself and help someone else.

            The important thing is how many is right for you? You need to be fair to yourself and check your motives. Some people like lots of sponsees for the accolades and some don’t want any sponsees because they are selfish with their time. But, there is a lot of room in the middle.  The most rewarding thing you can ever do in your life is help someone in utter despair become happily, whole and free of addiction.

 Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Why is your book designed just for women? Don’t you think men have the same relationship problems?

Wow! What a great question. I love to talk about my book. Do I think men have the same relationships problems?…absolutely!! In fact, I am sure the men would get the same benefit from the techniques I describe in the book. So, you are right I should have written more genetic.

The main reason I wrote it specifically for women is that I talk a lot about my own experience as a woman. I know how it feels to be in a frustrating and obsessive relationship as the female. Also, know how to break those unhealthy relationship patterns with men and develop healthy self-esteem. And, I can teach a woman how to attract her true heart’s desires.

Thank you for bring this up. I am working another book and don’t want to alienate anyone. The irony is that the first book I sold was bought by a man.

 Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn

When I first came into the rooms I had no intention of a relationship with anyone…other than the friendships. However, I became romantically involved with a fellow addict. It was strictly sexual at first. When he started getting “feelings” for me (I was already “all in” by then), he broke it off. He’s since done this with countless women (in and out of the rooms). Yet, I am allowing myself to continue to be the dish on the side. The sex is fantastic…better than I’ve ever had. He admits the same. But, for me, I love more than the sex. He’s a wonderful man, but still very sick. He sings nothing but MY praises…never had a bad thing to say about me. I know he cares about me or he wouldn’t do some of the stuff he does for me (I’ve never asked for anything). Yet, he’s told me he doesn’t think we’d work as a couple. Why I am not even sure. We have everything in common…from politics to music t! o recovery. When we are together I feel like his queen. When he leaves, I feel like nothing. He doesn’t call, email, text. I almost always initiate the “after we’ve been together” contact. I’ve begged him to leave me alone if that’s how it was going to be and have gone a month without talking to him before one of us contacts the other and the cycle continues. I have to see him at meetings and knowing he’s dating others while sleeping with me is the most painful thing I’ve ever felt. Others in the rooms who know us believe he’s scared and will come back but I tell them to stop telling me that…I don’t want false hope. If he doesn’t want a relationship with me WHY does he continue this? Is is simply a matter of sex? It FEELS like more. My instinct screams it’s more…He could come over, get what he wants, and leave. Yet, he doesn’t. He stays, he does my dishes, rubs my feet, just HOLDS me. If it was just sex, WHY do all that? I am absolutely sick about this. I can’t let him go yet I know I need to in order to stay clean and not lose my mind in the process. My sponsor and support group are a huge help but I’m not taking suggestions because I don’t WANT to let go. Through it all, it is ME who is suffering. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can barely function at work, can barely take care of my kids. I am miserable. I don’t even know where to BEGIN. Having to see him at meetings is so hard but I am a single mom on a super tight budget. I can ONLY afford to go to the meetings close to me. I need meetings. He is at every single one (he goes every day). I don’t know how to cope with seeing him at them. I do ok when we do not talk and I do not see him but the minute either happens, it’s over…for both of us. I will finally get the strength to break contact and ignore him then we see each other at meetings for a couple weeks and next thing I know he’s calling asking what I’m up to and I’m the idiot falling for it- everytime. It’s been almost a YEAR of this. I don’t have the strength to go on with this any longer. It feels like it’s KILLING me and using is NOT an option. So, where do I start? What the heck can I DO that will give me my LIFE back? PLEASE HELP!

Signed, Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

I know this pain very well. It wasn’t that long ago when I was feeling the same thing. It took me 17 years in the recovery to learn this lesson. You have the opportunity to learn it now and save yourself almost two decades of misery.

I want you to do something for me. Write down your experience with this man. Write down how you interactions occur. For example, Joe comes over and I feel great, we have a great evening together, but in the morning he leaves and I feel empty. For weeks I feel terrible, this relationship is killing me (I paraphrased some of your letter). Now replace his name with your drug of choice. So, now it becomes when I have crack I feel great all evening, but in the morning I feel empty. For weeks I feel terrible, this relationship is killing me.

When we replace the word, a pattern begins to emerge. We can replace our addictive substances with addictive people or activities. But they all have the same terrible residual feeling. We seldom really understand what makes us truly happy. This is a spiritual program, your higher power wants you to help you. But you have to want it, because we have free will. When you let go of painful situations you will find greater happiness. Just as when you walked in the rooms, you probably felt your life was over, when you let go of your addiction though, your life truly began.

This is hard, but you need to let go. Tell your friends what you are doing and why. Ask a friend if she will be your buddy – someone you can call instead of him. Pray for help, journal and meditate every day.  You will be amazed at the life waiting for you. I wrote a whole book on this type of situation www.brokenpickerfixer.com (you are not alone).  Keep in touch and let me know how it’s going.

 Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Hi I’m a 21 yr old male engaged to a beautiful 20 yr old woman whom I love dearly. I understand if I’m not the problem then there’s no solution and I admit I played a big part in the situation we’ve gotten into. I was clean for 18 months after rehab and some jail time, where I met my fiancé. I’ve got a felony 3 robbery conviction in 08, drug charges court on Tuesday for my fiancé and me. We are homeless; she tried to kill herself 3 times and is being released from the psych ward today. I haven’t slept in a couple of days and have been living out of my car praying almost every hour if not sooner for gods will and to not use. I’m scared and excited to pick up my fiancé at the hospital, I want to use and don’t know if she feels the same, she says she does but we’ve both relapsed before. My recovery is my responsibility so regardless of what she does I’m still reaching out for help. I’m exhausted! The few numbers I have in my phone since I’ve been back and no one has answered. This is occupying time until 9 when everything opens at Wright state where I dropped out but am attending again in the fall. I can’t see my 2 month old baby boy as a result of my actions. I need help, a suggestion…god… help me please.

Dear I Need Help,

My sponsor used to tell me something in the beginning that would drive me completely crazy. I remember telling myself that I would never say this to anyone, but I find myself wanting to pull out this old well worn phrase and tell it to you. So here it goes…when things are moving too slowly…slow down. When my sponsor said this to me I was infuriated. So you are probably wondering why I am saying it to you. Because in the beginning we want everything to change instantly over night, but as they say in the rooms time takes time.

We can work ourselves up worrying about how to manage our lives forgetting completely that in order to work the program we must stop trying to manage our own lives. I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but trust me when I tell you to relax. Everything is going to be fine, just keep doing the next right thing. Don’t use and go to a meeting. Tell them what you told me and sit back and trust that the right thing will happen as long as you are doing the right things. The hole you dug yourself is deep and it may seem like you will never get out, but I have seen men crawl out of deeper ones. You are doing all the right things, trust in God and keep reaching out. I promise it will get better. God has not brought you this far to let you go now.  Don’t give up before the miracle.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

I am 5 months sober. I have had 2 relationships in the past 7 months, one healthy the other not. I found someone again and I think this one can be my one true one. Am I crazy?

Dear Sweet Child,

No you are not crazy. We all want to love and to be loved. Mother Theresa is quoted with saying “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” When we come into recovery our heart and soul’s are broken. We are starved for love and look for it anywhere we can find it.

Sometimes we find it, but most often our search is unsuccessful. The reason is, that the people we usually meet in the beginning are usually just like us…starved for love. So we both end up trying to get love instead of giving love. For a relationship to flourish you must give love freely. Imagine a butterfly. It has a poetic beauty as it flutters from flower to flower. When we try to capture it and hold onto it, we damage the poor thing. The powder comes off its wings and it can loss its ability to fly.  By trying to capture the beauty of the butterfly, we end-up losing it. Love can be similar.

I was told early on that the people in the rooms would love me until I learned to love myself. I found that to be true. Go to meetings and plug yourself in. Find some people with time that are willing to take you under their wing. Soak up all their love until you feel full. And, then after you are whole again, you will be ready to freely love. Good luck sweetheart and thank you for writing.

Love,

Dawn

Hi Guys,

I am off on a trip of a life time. In out literature is talks about building lifelong relationships and finding a life beyond our wildest dreams. I was told early on is I work those steps to the best of my ability, those promises would come true.

Well I have to tell you, they are unfolding in my life. Over the years I have lost track of people in this fellowship. But, recently, thanks to facebook and In The Rooms, I am finding them. One of my old friends happens to live in Tanzania now. Wondering were Tanzania is? I was myself. It is on the east coast of Africa. I am on my way there right now. In fact, I am typing this from my hotel room in Zurich were I have a lay over. Tomorrow I fly over to Tanzania and on Sunday we are off to the Serengeti for an African Safari. 

Now I would have never imagined (even 6 months ago) that I would be traveling to Africa for a vacation with an old friend. In fact, I have trouble imaging all the wonderful things that I have been given in recovery. 

I won’t be posting for a few days, but I will be back. So please write to me and I will answer all your emails when I return.

Love,

Dawn

Dear Dawn,

Married 3 years with perfection, relapse, both. Stayed together, both back in recovery. 10 yrs ago prescription drugs on his part became our life, back pain problems surgeries, car accident, bike accident (all sober) he was addicted to vicodin while sober mostly, 5 years! (HE DENIES) then went to a variety of pain meds…I began to drink more after losing him to his 2nd addiction we met in AA he was cross addicted me was beer, he quit alcohol, then snuck it, started using other drugs, got sober, I drank on off through this our kids now 16 18 endured this crazy stuff.. then more back problems, me cancer 1998, mastectomy, reconstruction 2005 2nd occurrence, I think his pain pills pacified him, then was Percocet, 800 Motrin’s, suboxzone, then surgery after shoulder surgery also bike accident #2, motorcycle club, mid life crisis…3rd back triple fusion oxycondone Percocet, patches fetanyl…house fire…OMG..I was so overwhelmed I began drinking again! Believed all this pain was real…now I wonder if it’s all addiction…suboxzone again, xanax for sleep…I had a breakdown after the fire, he was down after back surgery. He was diagnosed narcissist 2004 before my 2nd cancer…extreme chemo…then I got fibromyalgia..Took forever to diagnose…no pain pills for me! We fought…found out I had drug interaction Zoloft (5 yrs) they added flexerill 5mg for fibro, caused serotonin syndrome+ mania, panic attacks…I had a heart attack..found out from chemo destroyed my heart along with congenital reasons, now have chronic heart failure…5 heart meds, Zoloft and now neurotic…I think all the stress of his narcissism, and bipolar caught up with me, creating unbearable anxiety. He is difficult, moody, chronic pain he says…seems like he fakes to continue drugs? doesn’t have empathy(narcissist) for me at all…he was making 200.00 a YR LOST HIS JOB I COULD DIVORCE HIM, I LOST MY JOB LAST SUMMER W/ ECONOMY…. I DRANK FROM EXTREME D! EPRESSION PTSD….. WHATA MESS… WE CO EXIST, NO SEX, I CANT LEAVE I M NOT WELL Tried SS, 2 pts short, always worked part time…gave up jobs under his control although I didn’t realize he was sabotaging all my friends jobs, serenity…well I’m back sober 6 months, he is dry 5 yrs alcohol free, abuses his meds, doesn’t work, lives free off his brothers firm…. I’m sick…My once super successful sober husband is a drug addict, I’m stuck, I care about him as the father of my children…this has terribly affected them…my son is graduating and disappointed in him being Boring, no fun, manic depressed, no interest…My girl is in recovery for xanax,,I never was a drug user, but I know too have a pharmacy of heart and fibromyalgia meds along with a new presc for roboxin to deal with what is now chronic body pain from the fibromyalgia caused by chemo trama to my body, I could have sudden death I was told had 6 PE w/ DVT…i walk daily, live a clean life…occasional cigarette to chill and sit down! He is pathetic to me….his uncles all three of his mother! s brothers were all genius’s, died of alcoholism, one in a desert sleeping in his car, they worked for NASA, Aeronautical Engineers, the third bro is still alive, manic depressed bipolar on med disability since age 50 suicidal-I’ve have not meet met him in 21 yrs? I see my husband becoming them! It so clear it’s sick…I can’t tell his family it’s his mother’s brothers. I told his brother…he’s an alcoholic, it is such a mess my dr. wants to put me on klonipin now because of anxiety attacks over possible foreclosure, no college money – he spent it all on himself, bikes, cars, we went bankrupt…I am so F**cked up by this…I run to meetings every day, pray every day for him, my kids, my sanity and others, I try to work w/ other alcoholics do service work etc any length to stay sober…but I can’t sleep, worry – yes even with faith. I’m worn out so bad from my heart/fibro/stress….I still function by cooking, cleaning, mtgs, spending time w/ my almost grown kids….I don’t have answers when they ask me what’s wrong with dad…I’m sick over the powerlessness….My story is unbelievable….I’ve had other tragedies along the way also, mom and BB died same week…I lost it! I know God had nothing to do with this…but I’m getting where I don’t know how to pray sometimes….because things just keep happening…I AM SO Strong….but end of the day I feel like I got hit by a bus! Dr. Phil???? Would he help a recovering person with a history of alcohol and A HUSBAND WHO PROBABLY WOULDNT APPEAR ON THE SHOW…? I AM AT THE END…I HAVE THESE TWO FANTASTIC HIGHLY INTELLIGENT PATIENT LOVING KIDS, WHO HAVE ADAPTED TOTHIS CHAOS…..I WISH I COULD DO SAOMETHINGE XTRAORDINARY FOR THEM..THE COLLEGE MONEY IS GONE…MY SONS LAST DAY OF hs WAS YESTERDAY, MY GIRL HAS 60 DAYS…IM afraid for them, because its hard to be the ! Woman I need to be although I fake it in front of them…I can’t even afford to take them anywhere to get them out of the house. God help us all!

Dear God Help Us All,

Wow! You have an amazing story.  I could never begin to address your issues in this limited forum. However, I know a place that can help. The Al-Anon Family groups can help you and your children. Please check out … www.al-anon.alateen.org you should be able to find a meeting in your area. Go there and tell them what you told me. Good luck and God Bless.

Love,

Dawn